secret agents

I always KNEW that the government had secret agents, but did you know that they have secret, SECRET agents?

Like a chupacabra? If you don't know, a chupa is kinda like a vampire, hyena-looking-ish creature that drinks the blood of goats. Most people thought they didn't exist, but they do. The government has them. Well, they WORK for the government, at least.

Obama put one in Arizona to "encourage" them to repeal the new immigration law. It's true! I read the news story online!

I'm pretty sure the government also has dinosaurs working for it. I saw a picture once of Obama riding a triceratops to work.

And Rahm Emanuel has a unicorn that he races with on the weekends. He doesn't ride the unicorn. They race each other. Rahm is very fast.

Oh, and there's an unconfirmed report that General Patraeus has an army of centaurs. Just in case they are needed...for something.

I thought this only happened in comic books! I didn't know it was real! (And it does happen in comic books. For related stories about "mythical" creatures working for the government, feel free to read the comic books "Proof" and "Perhapanauts.")

I'm off to race a unicorn.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

bring me 3-D

I love that movies are in 3-D now. It's so much better. I can't even watch a movie if it isn't in 3-D anymore. It doesn't look real. I can TOTALLY believe a 3-D movie.

And that is why I want comic books to get in on this 3-D action. Comic books are a tough sell these days. BUT, if they were in 3-D, I bet EVERYBODY would buy them! Why would you read a book when you could read a comic book in 3-D?!

I know there is all sorts of new technology for the new 3-D movies, so there has to be some way to make comic books look totally rad in 3-D.

That's all. I just kinda want that to happen.

Maybe if we all join hands, we can make it happen. Or an online petition. I've heard of both of those things working in the past.

I'm pretty sure 3-D comic books would bring world peace. I saw a study on it once. I may have done the study in crayon on the back of a paper placemat, but it was still a study.

100% of the people I asked said that it would create world peace. I asked myself and that was my answer. 100%.

Done.

I'm off to start holding hands.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

poet laureate

There is a new Poet Laureate! Yes! I also have no idea what that means! I think it has something to do with lassoing a poet. But maybe it has to do with rhyming cowboys.

Wonder Woman is cool because she has a golden laureate.

Whatever it is, W.S. Merwin is the new Poet Laureate.

I like this guy. Wanna know why? He feels that punctuation is too confining. I'm not talking about being on time. I'm talking about all these periods and question marks and apostrophes that we use. They hold him back! He says that we don't use them when we talk to somebody, so why use them in writing?

Love it. Punctuation is SO yesterday. No punc. is the new black. I don't even know why I'm still using them now.

Non-poets probably think Merwin is a loose cannon. And they'd be right. I think he's the inspiration for Jack Bauer from 24. When Jack would recite poetry. Which he did often, but it always looked like he was yelling at people. Remember: loose. cannon.

I'm off to punctuate.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

fire to the works

LOTS of fireworks are happening these days! It is the 4th of July weekend where we celebrate the Byzantine Empire's arrival in America to find freedom of interchangeable parts.

And they beat up a bunch of robots that ate trees. Which was helpful to the paper industry. Along with interchangeable parts.

It was a good year for paper.

And we celebrate with fireworks! Yay! I love fireworks. My favorite thing is waking up 4th of July morning and finding fireworks under the tree.

Remember Jubilee from the X-Men? She could kinda shoot fireworks from her hands. Okay, so they weren't EXACTLY fireworks, but close enough. They were plasmoids that exploded. Still pretty cool.

I dressed up as Jubilee for a 4th of July party one year. They told me it was a costume party. I SWEAR they said that!

I guess they were joking. You should look up a picture of Jubilee and then imagine that on me. It was pretty hot. Especially the jean shorts.

I'm off to fire up the works!

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

big day

Not only was there a new pond at work today, but I got my order from amazon!

I really thought the pond was going to be the big story, but they cleaned that up with a wet/dry vac. The pond is gone, but when I got into work this morning, there could have been some fishin' going on. It was pretty huge.

I did get some great stuff from amazon, though! And it was all my stuff. It looks like my stuff. Let me check again.

...

Yep...Batman comics and coffee. The little shipment slip that came in the box said something different. I don't know HOW it happened, but Courtney's order slip for Schaum's Outline of Statistics and Schaum's Outline of Financial Management got into my box!

So, it's possible that Courtney, in Chicago, is looking at my order right now. She's probably glad that she got her 5 copies of Statistics and 2 copies of Financial Management.

I'm SOOOOOO glad I didn't get them! What am I going to do with that? Become a stock broker? What does Financial Management even mean?! I'm guessing it has something to do with lemurs, but I really have no idea.

So, Courtney, if you're reading this, I hope you enjoyed my shipment slip. And I hope your statistics are as exciting as my Batman.

I doubt it, though. Let me know if you want to trade for a week. I won't read your books, but at least you get to read something exciting and non-statistic-y.

I'm off to read Batman's Outline of Statistics and Awesomeness.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

pick her up

I saw an interesting article telling guys how NOT to pick up the ladies. Not pick-up lines but rather modes of transportation.

And I can't help but disagree with ALL of them!

Unicycle: Really? What woman wouldn't want to be picked up on a unicycle?! I once had this game for Super Nintendo called Uniracers and it was awesome! If a woman doesn't want a ride on a unicycle, she gets no ride at all!

Pony: Don't girls love ponies? Heck, don't GUYS love ponies?! I do. And riding a pony to the movies is probably the best way to go on a date. AND it's cute.

Segway Scooter: Okay...I guess I could go either way with this one. The good thing is that two people on a Segway can get really tight. So that means she wants to be close to you. The bad thing is that it's really hard to steer one of those bad boys with two people on it. Trust me, I've tried.

Roller Skates: Wow...they are SO wrong with this. Any guy that can roller skate is probably the COOLEST guy in the world! Imagine going out to dinner and instead of both of you walking to the restaurant, he roller skates and you walk. All the girls seeing his slick moves would be so jealous of your catch. You'd be hotter than sea horse!

Wanna know what's lame? Fancy cars. That's so last year.

Oh, and chairs on wheels. I know they're fun at work, but it's really hard to keep those moving with two people. Even harder than a Segway. And if she has to sit on your lap the whole night, your keys are going to press into your thigh. Not always pleasant, but helpful if you need a mold of your keys.

I'm off to race my unicycle.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

text all

Have you ever gotten a text from somebody that says "I'm bored! Help!" or has some other message looking for a response only to find out that they sent that text to everybody?

I hate it when that happens. A friend of mine did that. I felt badly for her, so I texted her back. I thought, "It's nice of her to think that I'm entertaining enough to be her text conversation right now."

But I wasn't! I was just one fish a huge ocean of friends! She texted everybody. EVERYBODY! And I get suckered into it.

People do that during the holidays, too. They'll send a "Happy Thanksgiving" text to everybody. At least with email, you can see everybody else who got it. Unless they hide it. I don't go for that.

It seems less personal when that happens. They are not sending it to you. They are just sending it. There is no love!

I just felt so used.

I'm off to send a personal text to one person.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ