seven feet

Strange things are afoot in Canada. There is a beach in Richmond, British Columbia where two men found a sneaker. Inside the sneaker, was a foot. Officials are working on finding the owner of said foot. (Don't they use the metric system there? So shouldn't that be a 30.48 centimeter?)

This is the seventh foot they have found on that beach in the last two years. WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON UP THERE?! Who goes to the beach in Canada in October?! Doesn't winter start in September there?!

I don't know if you believe in Global Warming, but if a Canadian couple can still walk on the beach and find feet at the end of October, I'd say the world is warming up too fast.

I'm off to worry about the ice caps.

Enjoy!

-DJ

bottled water

Okay, so what is the deal with this Pepsi lawsuit? I just read that Pepsi owes 1.26 million dollars to two guys who claim they invented bottled water and that Pepsi stole the idea.

So, these guys came up with an idea in 1981 for a secret new drink. Then, 15 years later, Pepsi came out with Aquafina. Which, these guys claim, used their secret formula to make millions of dollars.

What secret formula, you ask? Putting water...into a plastic bottle.

WHAT?! Putting water into a bottle is a secret formula?! Are you kidding me?!?!?! I'm pretty sure water was being put into a bottle before Aquafina came out. Why aren't these guys suing Poland Spring as well?! They were doing it before Pepsi!

I can't understand how this even made it to court. And they just decided to sue this year. How did they not notice bottled water for the past 28 years?

I…I'm just...I am so confused by this.

I'm off to drink water from the hose. I don't want to get sued.

Enjoy!

-DJ

golden goblets of chocolate

Today is National Chocolate Day. Well, one of them, at least. It is also National Chocolate Day on December 28 and December 29. Then, it's National Milk Chocolate Day on July 28. Finally! It is National Chocolate week in March.

So, you have plenty of times to celebrate chocolate! If you weren't doing it already.

Doing some research on chocolate, I found out that the Aztec Emperor Montezuma drank 50 golden goblets of hot chocolate every morning. It was thick, dyed red and flavored with chili peppers. I don't know what they used for the red dye, but with that much chocolate in his system, it probably doesn't matter.

Why am I not drinking that every morning! That sounds like the greatest breakfast ever! Heck, I would be happy with one golden goblet with coffee. THAT would be awesome! How cool would I look drinking my beverage from a golden goblet?

"Get me my golden goblet, puny underling! I require gallons of hot chocolate in my system!"

"Sire, don't you think that is a little too much chocolate in the morning?"

"Don't you think you should get me my chocolate before I throw you into the pit of lions and sharp objects?!"

"Yes, sire."

Of course, those who serve me well will be rewarded with lavish gifts. Like hugs. And maybe a bowl of oatmeal with cinnamon...mmmm...

I'm off to chug my chocolate.

Enjoy!

-DJ

sick kids

I just read a study that said 1 in 5 kids do not get enough vitamin D. I also read that 1 in 5 kids DO have the swine flu.

Anybody else see the coincidence?

That's right. Stay away from kids. You might get the flu. Or you might not get enough vitamin D. Just hanging out with kids might suck the vitamin D right out of you.

They're like vitamin D vampires. (Get it? Because you need sunlight to create vitamin D and vampires can't go out into the sun! I wasn't sure if you'd get that joke. But it is funny, isn't it?)

Who cares about vitamin D, you ask? Ducks dancing daintily to Debussy do. That is why you see them in the sun getting their vitamin D. So they can dance.

They also put their drinks on a doily. And dangle drapes to decorate dens.

Sometimes they also quack. I mean, they are ducks after all. So, what do you expect?

I'm off to dance daintily.

Enjoy!

-DJ

what does that mean

Dick Cheney talks a lot. Unfortunately, you can't always understand what he's saying.

Most recently, he said that Obama was dithering. Yes, the White House is dithering on Afghanistan. Now, when I say the phrase, "I'm dithering on Afghanistan," I'm pretty sure I'm thinking it means something that it doesn't really mean.

It turns out "dithering" is acting irresolutely or trembling with excitement. I don't really know what Cheney meant when he said "dithering," but I'm pretty sure 97% of the population has never heard that word before. I know I never have. Not even in passing.

I thought he made it up. You know, like when old people say cute things about babies. "Awww...She's so cute! Look how she crawls all wiggly, tiggly, tithery, dithery-doo!"

I swear I heard some old guy say that about a baby the other day. Even though I just said I never heard the word dither before. I meant that I never heard it before the old guy the other day.

I don't really care what your opinion is on Afghanistan, but if you're going to argue for your side, please use real words.

Or not. It might be funnier if you don't. I can dither that.

I'm off to dither all by myself.

Enjoy!

-DJ

choices

A friend of mine got a coupon. I guess there is a store that will "reward" you for shopping with them. If you scan the card, they'll give you points and stuff. Finally, after you get some points, you can get a coupon.

But not just ANY coupon! A coupon good for one of two things! That's right, you get to CHOOSE what you want!

Her choice? A disposable toothbrush or chocolate. Seriously. That's what they give you.

WHAT?! That's not a choice! That's a desperate plea to get rid of disposable toothbrushers!

I think next month the coupon will be for a free punch in the gut or a pillow. Maybe after that they'll give you the choice of nail clippers or your very own cloud that you can ride around the world! How about the option of window cleaner or a suit made of cotton balls?!

Actually, my windows are kinda dirty, so that might be a tough one.

I'm off to brush my disposable teeth.

Enjoy!

-DJ

big oops

Have you ever caused a spill in a store? I did this weekend. Shower cleaner. Which, to me, is just fine because the floor is made from tile, so I did kinda just clean their floors.

Your welcome.

I felt sorry for the poor kid who had to clean up my mess. I would have done it, but it turns out that's not allowed. Apparently you can't open a package of paper towels and say you spilled them too. For some reason they don't believe that story.

At least I spilled something clean and not something stinky like baby food, or chili, or salsa, or soup. Or some combination of those things. Now THAT would have been a messy mess!

My advice to you is to spill something that is easy to clean up. Like toilet paper. Or a birthday card.

I'm off to clean my mess.

Enjoy!

-DJ