Sometimes I wish I could dress up like a superhero everyday. Not like the generic skin tight stuff, but the weird and cool stuff like goggles, long jackets and boots. Kind of like a cross between Starman and Neo. That will make sense to all of zero people. Sorry...
Maybe a costume that would change with my thoughts. You know, kind of like the black costume in the last Spider-Man movie. More people will get that one. I could think about wearing a tux, and it would change into a tux! If I need to look young and hip, I could look at a picture of the Jonas brothers and copy their outfit. I'm pretty sure they're young and hip.
I don't know if a lot of people do this, but I get my outfit ready for the next day. I do this during the week. I don't do it to make sure it looks good, but because I don't want to look around my closet at 4am. I'm tired and I don't want to risk wearing my extra baggy "I'm fat" pants with my super tight "I swear I have pecs to show off" t-shirt.
Not only do I set my clothes out, but I also get my pants ready. That means I put the belt through the loops and all my stuff into my pockets. I don't want to forget my wallet or keys when I'm rushing out in the morning.
I do sometimes feel dorky getting my outfit ready for the next day, but I don't care when all I have to do is pull up my pants and buckle while you "morning dressers" are fumbling with belt loops and looking for your keys.
It's kind of like picking out your "first day of school" outfit. Do you remember when you were so excited about your new clothes that you wanted to lay out your outfit for the first day at school? I probably tried it on a million times just to make sure it worked. I'm sure I (thought I) looked totally cool on the first day of school.
If you were like me, you put on the outfit and the new shoes and checked yourself out in the mirror thinking you were hot stuff. And, I'll tell you, in my room, alone, I was hot stuff. When you see other people and remember where you stand in the pecking order of school, you quickly remember that you're not hot stuff...mostly just the stuff part. Well, at least I was, I don't know about you. You were probably hot stuff and your clothes were awesome. Still are, in fact!
The clothes were fine, actually. I think it was just me who made the clothes less awesome. I have some old pictures of me before my first day of school and I remember one where I'm wearing a Ghostbusters shirt. I look pretty happy in it. I was probably 5 or 6. I bet I had that outfit ready to go for a week and I probably thought I was hot stuff...and I clearly knew what to do about ghosts.
Who was I gonna call? Probably not the Ghostbusters. Well, I tried once, but I didn't get anybody. Watch the original movie. It's a 555 number. I didn't know those were fake at the time, so I called. I'm pretty sure a ghost needed to be busted.
Do you ever get so excited about a new outfit that you lay it out the night before you go to work? Is that more of a kid thing? I think I have actually bought new clothes that I wanted to get ready for the next day. I haven't done it recently, but I'm sure it's happened. Maybe I'll go buy a new outfit so I can lay it out for Monday. It'll be my "first day of the week" outfit.
I'm off to find out what the Jonas Brothers are wearing.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Friday, September 5, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
one more ply
I’m constantly amazed at what some companies put out that they never put out before. Does that make sense? Here's an example:
Big Kat. From the makers of Kit Kat. You know...that song? "Break me off a piece of that kit kat bar because it's really four bars so you can share...you greedy snot." Or something like that. I don't remember it exactly. Anyway, the folks at the Kit Kat Co. decided to take one of those four bars, make it the size of a regular candy bar and called it a Big Kat. Now you don't have to share with a bunch of needy friends. Nice, right?
So how come these just came out a few years ago? I mean, Kit Kats have been around for, like, hundreds of years and they JUST thought of this now?! How come I didn't think of it first?
What about when they made dark chocolate m&ms? Why did that take so long? It's not like dark chocolate is new. How did they miss that combination?
m&m executive in 1972: Hmmm...I am enjoying this bag of groovy m&ms...and I am also enjoying this funk-a-licious dark chocolate bar. I think I shall get down with these two items often...because I am far out like that. Now I will stare at the lava lamp a little longer.
m&m executive from 2005: People like dark chocolate. We make small candy-coated chocolate. Why the heck didn't we just make some of them with dark chocolate? Jeez...how did we miss this one? We've been putting peanuts in them for years and people are allergic to peanuts. Nobody is allergic to dark chocolate. Wow...I'm going to make millions for this one.
So, luckily, one of those smart marketing guys thought of something that was pretty much staring us in the face...again. 3-ply toilet paper. Now, this isn't just any run-of-the-mill 3-ply. Nope.
TWO layers are for softness. Ooooooooh.
So far, you like where this is going, right? What about they third layer? What could they possible come up with to warrant an extra layer? I'll tell you.
The other layer is for absorbency. AH HA! I knew it was for something important!
Ok...so I'm not fooled. How do they know which layers will be used for what? Can they guarantee that I won't accidentally get three layers of softness? I know that sounds wonderful, but then I'm losing all sorts of absorbency!
OR! What if two layers are used for absorbency?! I do NOT want to lose that softness! Do you?!?! I didn't think so.
So, I think we've made just about everything. Now we can make them bigger or add a layer and we have a seller. Like, how about double-decker Twix bars! Usually I have to put one on top of the other to do that, but they could make it easier for me by doing it at the factory! I gotta call Twix. They're gonna love this. Then, in five years, I'll call back and tell them about my plans for a triple-decker.
I'm off to make candy bigger.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Big Kat. From the makers of Kit Kat. You know...that song? "Break me off a piece of that kit kat bar because it's really four bars so you can share...you greedy snot." Or something like that. I don't remember it exactly. Anyway, the folks at the Kit Kat Co. decided to take one of those four bars, make it the size of a regular candy bar and called it a Big Kat. Now you don't have to share with a bunch of needy friends. Nice, right?
So how come these just came out a few years ago? I mean, Kit Kats have been around for, like, hundreds of years and they JUST thought of this now?! How come I didn't think of it first?
What about when they made dark chocolate m&ms? Why did that take so long? It's not like dark chocolate is new. How did they miss that combination?
m&m executive in 1972: Hmmm...I am enjoying this bag of groovy m&ms...and I am also enjoying this funk-a-licious dark chocolate bar. I think I shall get down with these two items often...because I am far out like that. Now I will stare at the lava lamp a little longer.
m&m executive from 2005: People like dark chocolate. We make small candy-coated chocolate. Why the heck didn't we just make some of them with dark chocolate? Jeez...how did we miss this one? We've been putting peanuts in them for years and people are allergic to peanuts. Nobody is allergic to dark chocolate. Wow...I'm going to make millions for this one.
So, luckily, one of those smart marketing guys thought of something that was pretty much staring us in the face...again. 3-ply toilet paper. Now, this isn't just any run-of-the-mill 3-ply. Nope.
TWO layers are for softness. Ooooooooh.
So far, you like where this is going, right? What about they third layer? What could they possible come up with to warrant an extra layer? I'll tell you.
The other layer is for absorbency. AH HA! I knew it was for something important!
Ok...so I'm not fooled. How do they know which layers will be used for what? Can they guarantee that I won't accidentally get three layers of softness? I know that sounds wonderful, but then I'm losing all sorts of absorbency!
OR! What if two layers are used for absorbency?! I do NOT want to lose that softness! Do you?!?! I didn't think so.
So, I think we've made just about everything. Now we can make them bigger or add a layer and we have a seller. Like, how about double-decker Twix bars! Usually I have to put one on top of the other to do that, but they could make it easier for me by doing it at the factory! I gotta call Twix. They're gonna love this. Then, in five years, I'll call back and tell them about my plans for a triple-decker.
I'm off to make candy bigger.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
zoo crew
Sometimes I forget how strange I must seem to people. Then something will happen to remind me. That's what happened this weekend.
I went to the forest park zoo this weekend and enjoyed all the animals. I saw a bear scratch its back. That was pretty cool. I also saw a happy turtle. That was nice. Don't ask for pictures of these things because I don't have any. I don't really think about taking pictures of stuff that I'm supposed to take pictures of.
Like the pig that would sit when you fed it. That's a good picture.
I didn't take it.
I DID take a picture of a windmill and a wheelbarrow. I liked the colors. They were pretty.
So, I'm taking pictures of a wheelbarrow and this little girl comes up to me and asks me what I'm taking a picture of. It makes sense. People are at the zoo and they're looking around for the animals and sometimes you don't see them until somebody else is pointing it out. Maybe you'll see somebody taking pictures of the corner of the cage and you finally see the little fuzzy ball of a critter. If you don't see it, you might ask them what they're taking a picture of and they'll tell you to look in the corner and that's where the animal is. Then you see it.
I had to answer this poor little girl, who, I'm sure, was all excited about finding an animal that she missed and that nobody else seemed to notice, that I was taking a picture of the wheelbarrow. Here is the exact conversation:
Girl: What are you taking a picture of?
Me: The wheelbarrow. I like the color.
Girl's Dad: C'mon honey. Get away from the weird man who takes pictures of yard equipment and not the donkey right behind him.
Ok, so that last part is not EXACTLY what he said, but it's close enough. Who wants a picture of a donkey? wooo...donkey...it's good for carrying stuff into the grand canyon. I could do that. And I won't eat your hand. Or go doo doo on the trail.
So, that's my zoo adventure. Sometimes I forget to act like a normal person when I go out in public. I'm usually good at faking it, but I can get distracted by yellow wheelbarrows and stuff. I gotta watch out for that.
Oh, I did try to get a picture of one animal, but I didn't get a good shot. It was a duck with Don King hair. It was...well...it was pretty awesome. I'll be honest...I'm totally jealous of that duck.
I'm off to practice my "normal."
Enjoy!
-DJ
I went to the forest park zoo this weekend and enjoyed all the animals. I saw a bear scratch its back. That was pretty cool. I also saw a happy turtle. That was nice. Don't ask for pictures of these things because I don't have any. I don't really think about taking pictures of stuff that I'm supposed to take pictures of.
Like the pig that would sit when you fed it. That's a good picture.
I didn't take it.
I DID take a picture of a windmill and a wheelbarrow. I liked the colors. They were pretty.
So, I'm taking pictures of a wheelbarrow and this little girl comes up to me and asks me what I'm taking a picture of. It makes sense. People are at the zoo and they're looking around for the animals and sometimes you don't see them until somebody else is pointing it out. Maybe you'll see somebody taking pictures of the corner of the cage and you finally see the little fuzzy ball of a critter. If you don't see it, you might ask them what they're taking a picture of and they'll tell you to look in the corner and that's where the animal is. Then you see it.
I had to answer this poor little girl, who, I'm sure, was all excited about finding an animal that she missed and that nobody else seemed to notice, that I was taking a picture of the wheelbarrow. Here is the exact conversation:
Girl: What are you taking a picture of?
Me: The wheelbarrow. I like the color.
Girl's Dad: C'mon honey. Get away from the weird man who takes pictures of yard equipment and not the donkey right behind him.
Ok, so that last part is not EXACTLY what he said, but it's close enough. Who wants a picture of a donkey? wooo...donkey...it's good for carrying stuff into the grand canyon. I could do that. And I won't eat your hand. Or go doo doo on the trail.
So, that's my zoo adventure. Sometimes I forget to act like a normal person when I go out in public. I'm usually good at faking it, but I can get distracted by yellow wheelbarrows and stuff. I gotta watch out for that.
Oh, I did try to get a picture of one animal, but I didn't get a good shot. It was a duck with Don King hair. It was...well...it was pretty awesome. I'll be honest...I'm totally jealous of that duck.
I'm off to practice my "normal."
Enjoy!
-DJ
Friday, August 29, 2008
big brain
This weekend is a big back “to college” weekend. I actually get to see this happen in action because I am making a work appearance at my alma mater, Westfield State College, this weekend. Ahhh...the memories of higher learning.
I'm not gonna say that I was a complete loser when I started college, but that's only because I don't want to say it out loud. Really. You don't believe me? Ok, try this. And these things are absolutely true. I have witnesses. I started school with a poof. Now, for many years I've been a fan of the shower poof. It cleans AND exfoliates. Can't beat that. I started college with a turtle poof. Yep. It had soft feet and head and the shell was the poof. Ask Chad. He might remember that. I think he made fun of me for it. Which, of course, he had every right to.
If you want more proof, ask Bobb (the extra b is for bombastic) about the Dateline hat. This hat was an epic piece in my personal history. I used to watch a lot of Dateline. How could you not watch a guy with the name Stone? I mean, seriously. His name is Stone! How could the chicks not love him?
Stone: Hey.
Lady: Hi.
Stone: My name Stone. I rock.
Lady: *swoon*
Heck, I just swooned a little!
So, this hat was covered in pins. There were pins of bands I liked, comic book characters and my name tag from Pizza Hut. My name was Spider-Man when I worked at Pizza Hut. Yeah. They let me put that on my name tag. Pretty rad, right? The hat weighed about 20 pounds. It was ridiculous.
I was lucky to have a cool roommate when I was a freshman. His name was Joe. Still is, as far as I know. He was sort of a minimalist. He could probably be one of those monks that doesn't own anything. I seem to remember him liking TV, though, so if the monks let him have cable, he might be ok.
Joe had 2 pairs of khaki shorts, 2 pairs of khaki pants, 5 white t-shirts and 2 button up shirts. I might be exaggerating for dramatic effect, but not much. My closet was FULL of clothes. He literally used about 10 centimeters of closet space. It was amazing...and empty. He had 2 posters. The Clash and Swingers. And he had a laptop computer. That is pretty much everything he brought to college. Oh, yeah, and a bar of soap. He was a clean boy. Still is, as far as I know.
I'm sure there's more to talk about. Maybe next week will be a college memory week. You can share your memories, too! Actually, I don't know how exciting my college memories are. It involves a lot of F-Zero on Nintendo 64 and Cartoon Network at 3am. Wow...that pretty much explains my four years of college...and, oddly enough, my current employment. Hmmm...I guess hard work is important. Woops.
I'm off to tell kids to study hard and stay in school.
Enjoy!
-DJJ (the extra J is for Jupiter!)
I'm not gonna say that I was a complete loser when I started college, but that's only because I don't want to say it out loud. Really. You don't believe me? Ok, try this. And these things are absolutely true. I have witnesses. I started school with a poof. Now, for many years I've been a fan of the shower poof. It cleans AND exfoliates. Can't beat that. I started college with a turtle poof. Yep. It had soft feet and head and the shell was the poof. Ask Chad. He might remember that. I think he made fun of me for it. Which, of course, he had every right to.
If you want more proof, ask Bobb (the extra b is for bombastic) about the Dateline hat. This hat was an epic piece in my personal history. I used to watch a lot of Dateline. How could you not watch a guy with the name Stone? I mean, seriously. His name is Stone! How could the chicks not love him?
Stone: Hey.
Lady: Hi.
Stone: My name Stone. I rock.
Lady: *swoon*
Heck, I just swooned a little!
So, this hat was covered in pins. There were pins of bands I liked, comic book characters and my name tag from Pizza Hut. My name was Spider-Man when I worked at Pizza Hut. Yeah. They let me put that on my name tag. Pretty rad, right? The hat weighed about 20 pounds. It was ridiculous.
I was lucky to have a cool roommate when I was a freshman. His name was Joe. Still is, as far as I know. He was sort of a minimalist. He could probably be one of those monks that doesn't own anything. I seem to remember him liking TV, though, so if the monks let him have cable, he might be ok.
Joe had 2 pairs of khaki shorts, 2 pairs of khaki pants, 5 white t-shirts and 2 button up shirts. I might be exaggerating for dramatic effect, but not much. My closet was FULL of clothes. He literally used about 10 centimeters of closet space. It was amazing...and empty. He had 2 posters. The Clash and Swingers. And he had a laptop computer. That is pretty much everything he brought to college. Oh, yeah, and a bar of soap. He was a clean boy. Still is, as far as I know.
I'm sure there's more to talk about. Maybe next week will be a college memory week. You can share your memories, too! Actually, I don't know how exciting my college memories are. It involves a lot of F-Zero on Nintendo 64 and Cartoon Network at 3am. Wow...that pretty much explains my four years of college...and, oddly enough, my current employment. Hmmm...I guess hard work is important. Woops.
I'm off to tell kids to study hard and stay in school.
Enjoy!
-DJJ (the extra J is for Jupiter!)
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
back to school
The kids are going back to school and they want stuff. New clothes and new pencils and new stuff. I remember one year that I HAD to have those pump sneakers. I don't remember who made them, but they were brilliant.
Think about it. Let's say you're a kid and you wear a size 6 shoe. But your foot is really a 5 and 3/4 size. You don't want to go a size down because that would be too small, but a 6 might feel a little loosy-goosy (loosie-goosie? loosey-goosey? I don't know). So, PUMP IT UP! How sweet is that? Fits perfectly now. Your foot is snug and you don't have to worry about your shoes floppin all over the place. If you recall, I'm not a huge fan of floppin on my feet.
You know what would be great? Other items of clothing that pump up to fit you better. I have a tough time with shirts. I'm a small and a half. It sometimes depends on the company that makes the shirt, but on average, a small is too small and a medium is too big.
So, what if I could pump up my medium shirt to fit perfectly? That would be great! I know what you're thinking...maybe I could pump up a little bit, i.e. lifting weights, so I fit into a medium a little better, but really, doesn't that sound like effort? It does. So let's not talk about that again.
I also remember really wanting a hypercolor shirt. That was the shirt that changed color with your body heat. I think I had a green one that would turn yellow when I got hot. Oddly enough, it was always yellow. (get it? I was so hot that it was always yellow.) I kinda wish they still made those shirts. They were cool.
What did you have to have before school? I'm pretty sure all the stuff I HAD to have didn't help me become popular...actually, I'm totally sure that it didn't help. Mostly because I was the opposite of popular. If there was a word to describe unpopular as even more unpopular than unpopular, that was me. No amount of hypercolor could help that. Oh well.
I'm off to pump up my shoes.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Think about it. Let's say you're a kid and you wear a size 6 shoe. But your foot is really a 5 and 3/4 size. You don't want to go a size down because that would be too small, but a 6 might feel a little loosy-goosy (loosie-goosie? loosey-goosey? I don't know). So, PUMP IT UP! How sweet is that? Fits perfectly now. Your foot is snug and you don't have to worry about your shoes floppin all over the place. If you recall, I'm not a huge fan of floppin on my feet.
You know what would be great? Other items of clothing that pump up to fit you better. I have a tough time with shirts. I'm a small and a half. It sometimes depends on the company that makes the shirt, but on average, a small is too small and a medium is too big.
So, what if I could pump up my medium shirt to fit perfectly? That would be great! I know what you're thinking...maybe I could pump up a little bit, i.e. lifting weights, so I fit into a medium a little better, but really, doesn't that sound like effort? It does. So let's not talk about that again.
I also remember really wanting a hypercolor shirt. That was the shirt that changed color with your body heat. I think I had a green one that would turn yellow when I got hot. Oddly enough, it was always yellow. (get it? I was so hot that it was always yellow.) I kinda wish they still made those shirts. They were cool.
What did you have to have before school? I'm pretty sure all the stuff I HAD to have didn't help me become popular...actually, I'm totally sure that it didn't help. Mostly because I was the opposite of popular. If there was a word to describe unpopular as even more unpopular than unpopular, that was me. No amount of hypercolor could help that. Oh well.
I'm off to pump up my shoes.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
skittles
I had some skittles the other day. I really liked them. It's been a long time since I sat down with a good bag of skittles. Maybe too long. And, just like when you haven't seen a good friend for a long time, you want to hug and laugh and enjoy your time together.
That is what I did with my skittles. I also ate my skittles. I don't eat my friends. I'm not a people-eating monster. Unless it is when I squish my skittles into a people-shape. Then I will PRETEND I am a people-eating monster. Only for pretend, though. Don't worry.
There is a phone number on the back of the skittles bag for comments. Actually, there is a number like that on most everything. I wanted to call the skittle number that day. Just to tell them that I really enjoyed my skittles. Then, I would like to call them everyday and tell them again and again that I love skittles.
Me: Hello.
Skittles: Hello.
Me: I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed my skittles today.
Skittles: Well thanks!
Me: Ok. Bye!
Skittles: Bye!
(Day 2)
Me: Hi again.
Skittles: Hello.
Me: I think yellow is my favorite skittle. I hope that doesn't make the other colors envious.
Skittles: I think they'll be fine. Somebody just called earlier complimenting red.
Me: Phew...I didn't want the skittles to fight for my affection.
Skittles: Don't worry. We make sure all our skittles are happy.
Me: Cool... ... ...Bye!
Skittles: Bye!
(Day 3)
Me: Hey...It's me.
Skittles: Hello
Me: I really like skittles.
Skittles: I've heard.
Me: Really? Did I tell you that?
Skittles: You did. The other day.
Me: Oh...well...yellow is my favorite.
Skittles: You told me that too.
Me: Oh...well...I love all my skittles.
Skittles: That's good.
Me: Sometimes I squish them together into a person shape and pretend I'm a people-eating monster and then eat my skittles.
Skittles: ...
Me: But...uh...I only did that once...when my friend was visiting and he told me to do it because it was fun...I didn't just do it before I called or anything.
Skittles: Uh huh.
Me: I have to go.
Skittles: Yes you do.
And that is exactly what happened the last three days! I recorded all three of the conversations. I can't wait to find out what happens today! I love the skittles people. They're so nice to me. And they talk to me on the phone.
This was one really long blog. I'm sorry my conversations are so wordy. Next time I'll try to talk less. But those skittles people can be chatty, you know?
I'm off to eat my skittles...like a monster. Roar!
Enjoy!
-DJ
That is what I did with my skittles. I also ate my skittles. I don't eat my friends. I'm not a people-eating monster. Unless it is when I squish my skittles into a people-shape. Then I will PRETEND I am a people-eating monster. Only for pretend, though. Don't worry.
There is a phone number on the back of the skittles bag for comments. Actually, there is a number like that on most everything. I wanted to call the skittle number that day. Just to tell them that I really enjoyed my skittles. Then, I would like to call them everyday and tell them again and again that I love skittles.
Me: Hello.
Skittles: Hello.
Me: I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed my skittles today.
Skittles: Well thanks!
Me: Ok. Bye!
Skittles: Bye!
(Day 2)
Me: Hi again.
Skittles: Hello.
Me: I think yellow is my favorite skittle. I hope that doesn't make the other colors envious.
Skittles: I think they'll be fine. Somebody just called earlier complimenting red.
Me: Phew...I didn't want the skittles to fight for my affection.
Skittles: Don't worry. We make sure all our skittles are happy.
Me: Cool... ... ...Bye!
Skittles: Bye!
(Day 3)
Me: Hey...It's me.
Skittles: Hello
Me: I really like skittles.
Skittles: I've heard.
Me: Really? Did I tell you that?
Skittles: You did. The other day.
Me: Oh...well...yellow is my favorite.
Skittles: You told me that too.
Me: Oh...well...I love all my skittles.
Skittles: That's good.
Me: Sometimes I squish them together into a person shape and pretend I'm a people-eating monster and then eat my skittles.
Skittles: ...
Me: But...uh...I only did that once...when my friend was visiting and he told me to do it because it was fun...I didn't just do it before I called or anything.
Skittles: Uh huh.
Me: I have to go.
Skittles: Yes you do.
And that is exactly what happened the last three days! I recorded all three of the conversations. I can't wait to find out what happens today! I love the skittles people. They're so nice to me. And they talk to me on the phone.
This was one really long blog. I'm sorry my conversations are so wordy. Next time I'll try to talk less. But those skittles people can be chatty, you know?
I'm off to eat my skittles...like a monster. Roar!
Enjoy!
-DJ
Friday, August 22, 2008
things to remember
I don't talk about politics too often, but this was just so silly that I had to bring it up. I'm not taking any sides, but this was funny. Did you hear about John McCain's little "I forgot" moment? Yeah, he couldn't remember how many houses he had. Now this could have been said by any insanely rich person, but McCain said it first in front of the press, so he gets all the jokes.
I have heard of things like "baby brain" where a woman becomes forgetful after giving birth. I have decided that there is now something called "McCain brain" where you forget about huge, important things in your life. For example, how many houses you own. It just shows how far removed our candidates are from the average person. If I were to ask anybody I know how many houses they owned, I would get the answer of either zero or one (with a mortgage).
So, here are a few things that you should NEVER forget if you are running for president if you want to relate to the common person:
How many houses you own - if you can't remember this, you might be too rich
How many children you have - if you can't remember this, you probably have too many or aren't very good at parenting.
How many jobs you have - and we don't want cheesy answer from our candidates like "well, running for president feels like 5 extra jobs." No, because some people actually work 5 jobs, so you're not funny. We hate that. Just say you have one job. We don't care if you do it, but don't joke.
Why people can't tell that Clark Kent and Superman is the same person - as it was clearly explained many years ago, he changes his voice and vibrates his head ever-so-slightly so you can't clearly see that they are the same person. duh.
Now, here are some things that you can forget because we all forget these things:
How many grains of sand there are in the world - we will forgive you for not knowing that because nobody does
How many comic books you have - who can remember that? I'm sure you all have more than a thousand, so don't worry about keeping track.
What you named your kids - that's easy to forget, so it's ok if you don't remember them, but, as previously stated, you should at least know the number of kids you own. Who cares what their names are, it's not like we want to talk to them. And if we do we can just yell, "Hey! Kid of presidential candidate! Come here!" See? That works.
The fact that leeches secrete an anticoagulant called hirudin when they suck your blood - sure we all know that, but we don't expect you to remember it.
So, McCain, Obama and other candidates that nobody remembers, there are your tips for running a smooth campaign. I just don't want you to get caught with your pants down again. Well, if THAT actually happened, I'm sure you wouldn't be in the campaign anymore. And it would be pretty funny.
I'm off to run for president.
Enjoy!
-DJ
I have heard of things like "baby brain" where a woman becomes forgetful after giving birth. I have decided that there is now something called "McCain brain" where you forget about huge, important things in your life. For example, how many houses you own. It just shows how far removed our candidates are from the average person. If I were to ask anybody I know how many houses they owned, I would get the answer of either zero or one (with a mortgage).
So, here are a few things that you should NEVER forget if you are running for president if you want to relate to the common person:
How many houses you own - if you can't remember this, you might be too rich
How many children you have - if you can't remember this, you probably have too many or aren't very good at parenting.
How many jobs you have - and we don't want cheesy answer from our candidates like "well, running for president feels like 5 extra jobs." No, because some people actually work 5 jobs, so you're not funny. We hate that. Just say you have one job. We don't care if you do it, but don't joke.
Why people can't tell that Clark Kent and Superman is the same person - as it was clearly explained many years ago, he changes his voice and vibrates his head ever-so-slightly so you can't clearly see that they are the same person. duh.
Now, here are some things that you can forget because we all forget these things:
How many grains of sand there are in the world - we will forgive you for not knowing that because nobody does
How many comic books you have - who can remember that? I'm sure you all have more than a thousand, so don't worry about keeping track.
What you named your kids - that's easy to forget, so it's ok if you don't remember them, but, as previously stated, you should at least know the number of kids you own. Who cares what their names are, it's not like we want to talk to them. And if we do we can just yell, "Hey! Kid of presidential candidate! Come here!" See? That works.
The fact that leeches secrete an anticoagulant called hirudin when they suck your blood - sure we all know that, but we don't expect you to remember it.
So, McCain, Obama and other candidates that nobody remembers, there are your tips for running a smooth campaign. I just don't want you to get caught with your pants down again. Well, if THAT actually happened, I'm sure you wouldn't be in the campaign anymore. And it would be pretty funny.
I'm off to run for president.
Enjoy!
-DJ
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