fist bu...oh...I mean pound it

It's strange to hang out with people who are younger and hipper than I am. I learn a lot. Like what the new phrases are for things to keep them cool since the action is still cool but the name for it has lost its cool.

Let me explain:

I'm directing a musical (which I will plug because it's for a good cause) at South Hadley High School. The show is Working. It's awesome. It's happening there July 23, 24 and 25 at 7pm. The money raised goes to the school's theater program. So come and help them out!

So, a lot of the people in the show are younger. At least, younger to me. College age. Around 20. They informed me that the "fist bump" is no longer the proper term for...uh...well…the actual motion of fist bumping. Now it's called "pounding". So, if I want to commend someone on a job well done, I have to say, "Pound it!" Followed by a fist bump. Or a pound, I guess?

Yeah. I never had to yell the words fist bump, I just did it. Saying to somebody "pound it" reminds me of the high five.

"That was totally rad! High Five!"

So, is pound it cooler? Probably.

Oh, and I learned it's not cool to say "pound me" when you are ready for a fist bump. I don't know why. That sounds just as stup...I mean cool.

I can't keep up with kids these days. I'm just going to start hugging people and say "huggabaloo!"

That'll make me cool.

I'm off to pound it.

Enjoy!

-DJ

the dark side of toast

If you're looking to have some good toast in the morning, this is not for you. This is for people who want bad toast. Like, evil toast. So evil that they would build a weapon the size of a small moon. And call it a Death Star.

If that's you, then the Star Wars toaster is just what you're looking for. It will make your toast AND make a darker image of Darth Vader on the toast!

The force is strong in that toaster. At least, the force of the heat from the Darth Vader image is strong.

You know what you CAN do! Jam the transmission! HA! (Spaceballs joke!). If you don't want Vader's message getting out, you can put some jam on his face and make sure the empire never gets the order to blow up Tattooine.

You could jelly the transmission, too. But that's not as funny. And it doesn't make me think of Spaceballs, which IS funny. You should watch that movie.

Breakfast would be pretty dramatic every day. So that would be cool, too.

Me: I'll never join you!

Me (speaking into my sippy cup to get a cool Darth Vader echo): If you only knew the power of the Dark Side. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Me: He told me enough! He told me you killed him.

Me (as Vader): No. I am your father.

Me (as me): No. No! That's not true! That's impossible!

Me (as Vader): Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

Me (as me again): No! Nooooooo! *CRUNCH!*

I crunch because I ate the toast, not because I fell down an air shaft in Cloud City. That would be cool, but I would also be missing my hand. Not so great.

I'm off to use the force...to butter my toast.

Enjoy!

-DJ

um...this thing...I...hmmmm...

I have no idea how to describe this, so I'm just going to blurt it out. In China, there is a mountain that lays eggs. It's true! The board of tourism says so!

They say that Gandeng Mountain has laid more than 100 eggs. And another one is expected soon. So you might want to book your next vacation to Gulu, China. To see a mountain. Lay an egg.

The article didn't specify what comes out of the egg. I think it's a baby mountain.

They're very cute. And playful. But you have to watch out for their peaks. They can be sharp. They're like baby porcupines or baby jellyfish. Fun to play with, but you could go home with an injury.

I guess the same could be said for human babies, too. Especially babies on roller skates. Scary AND dangerous.

I'm off to see a mountain baby.

Enjoy!

-DJ

fun dreams

I think I've talked about my dreams before. I usually don't remember them, but I woke up last night and wrote this down because I did NOT want to forget it.

I think I was in college. Or some sort of community housing. I don't really know. One of my neighbors was a friend of mine, Kevin. Kevin and I went to college together. He's cool. Hi Kevin! (if you're reading this)

So, Kevin comes over and I'm working on my computer. Pretty boring, right? Then Kevin leaves and THOR COMES OVER TO SAY HI!

Yes! Thor! The Norse God of Thunder! Also a superhero in the Marvel Universe. You know, he fights bad guys with Captain America and Spider-Man! And he hits people with a HUGE HAMMER! WHAM!

Thor went to college with me! How cool is that?! Wanna hear the conversation?

Thor: Hey.

Me: Hi.

OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!! I SAID HI TO THOR!!!!!!!!!!

I am officially the COOLEST person ever.

I'm off to see if Thor wants to order a pizza with a side of WHAM!

Enjoy!

-DJ

fabric softener

I don't think I've ever used fabric softener. It sounds like a lovely product, but I just never got around to checking it out.

I finally bought some, but I'm a little scared. There is a warning on the back that says my clothes might catch on fire! It's true! It says that it will make flame-resistant clothes LESS flame-resistant and regular clothes more flame-susceptible!

Why should I worry? What if it's a really hot day! The sun is shining on me and FWOOSH! Flame on!

Even if it's a mild day, I might look really good. What if I happen to look "too hot" for my clothes?! My immense hotness could cause my clothes to burst into flames!

These are some scary thoughts that I'm sure you've all had. I don't know what to do about it. I guess fabric softener might be ok for polar bears, but not for humans.

It's just not safe.

I'm off to find some fabric hardener.

Enjoy!

-DJ

hand smell

Have you ever had one of those days where your hands smell good? Like Play Doh. Or pancakes.

I love it when that happens.

You might look a little strange because you keep sniffing your hands, but it's totally worth it. I don't know why it happens, but I wouldn't complain about it. Unfortunately, you have to wash your hands at some point in time. At least, you should.

Being surprised by a good smell is always a good time. I wish more things smelled good. Like scratch and sniff stickers. Or pie.

I'm off to smell my hands.

Enjoy!

-DJ

worm your way to the top

England has a contest where people try to get worms to come out of the ground. They do this by creating vibrations above the dirt so the worms will freak out and come to the top so they don't have to feel little earthquakes. They call it worm charming, but I'm pretty sure it's really worm freaking outing.

I don't know why people do this. But I can't imagine that it's pleasant for the worms.

Worm 1: So Mortimer, how are you liking this vintage 1947 dirt?

Worm 2: Why Sylvia, it's just charming!

Worm 1: I had a feeling you'd like it.

(sudden earthquake)

Worm 2: What's going on!

Worm 1: I don't know! But let's get out of the house!

(they escape!)

Worm 2: Holy segmented body! What are those giant creatures?!

Worm 1: They're aliens destroying our world! Be still my 5 beating hearts!

See? Not so great, is it! How would you like it if a giant worm started beating your house so you had to run out of it?

I believe I've made my point clear. Dirt tastes better when it's older.

I'm off to charm a worm...wait...that's not supposed to sound like that.

Enjoy!

-DJ