snail races

England has snail races.

So...there you go. Yep. They race snails. Because it's fun...I guess...

They have to go 13 inches. Why 13? Because any longer and people would fall asleep.

Sidney, this year's winner, did the course in a speedy 3 minutes and 41 seconds.

That almost seems too fast, but Sidney was tested for "speed enhancers" and was found clean. He's just a fast snail.

It would be cool if snails had, like, a jet engine in their shell. And a laser gun. OH! And missiles!

The shell could open up into a whole battle station! On their back!

If they could use all those things in the snail race, THAT would be pretty hard core! Like Snail Death Race 5000!

But it's not. So...there you go. Snail races.

I'm off to trick out my snail.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

worm your way to the top

England has a contest where people try to get worms to come out of the ground. They do this by creating vibrations above the dirt so the worms will freak out and come to the top so they don't have to feel little earthquakes. They call it worm charming, but I'm pretty sure it's really worm freaking outing.

I don't know why people do this. But I can't imagine that it's pleasant for the worms.

Worm 1: So Mortimer, how are you liking this vintage 1947 dirt?

Worm 2: Why Sylvia, it's just charming!

Worm 1: I had a feeling you'd like it.

(sudden earthquake)

Worm 2: What's going on!

Worm 1: I don't know! But let's get out of the house!

(they escape!)

Worm 2: Holy segmented body! What are those giant creatures?!

Worm 1: They're aliens destroying our world! Be still my 5 beating hearts!

See? Not so great, is it! How would you like it if a giant worm started beating your house so you had to run out of it?

I believe I've made my point clear. Dirt tastes better when it's older.

I'm off to charm a worm...wait...that's not supposed to sound like that.

Enjoy!

-DJ

candy contests

I like the idea of candy contests. A kid in England got the chance to be a taster for a candy company. He wrote an essay about his favorite candy and they told him to come on over and test out three of their new candies.

One: I think more kids should have to write essays on their favorite candy. I probably would have done better in school if I did that.

"What I did on my summer vacation...I ate candy. Let me describe all the candy I ate..."

Two: How come all this stuff always happens in England? Why aren't there any candy companies here looking for me to test out their candy? I could write an essay about lollipops.

Three: Candy is yummy.

There you have it. Three good reasons why I should be a taster for a candy company. Clearly I am qualified. The kid in England is only 12! He doesn't even have any life experiences with candy! I know WAY more about candy than this kid! I have lived a life of candy! It's been hard at times, but I suffered through all the sugar highs and lows to get where I am today. I must have that job. I will battle that kid in a duel if I have to.

A candy duel. Maybe we'll throw Skittles at each other. Tie a few Twizzlers together and put a Gobstopper on top and you have a pretty deadly weapon. It's called a Twizzstopper...or maybe a Gobwizzle. heh...gobwizzle...

I'm off to get my candy arsenal ready.

Enjoy!

-DJ

plural possessive

Before I get on with today's topic, I should warn all those grammar-folk out there that this may be offensive. Granted, my grammar is pretty shoddy most of the time, but this time there will be grammar mistakes done on purpose.

Birmingham, England will be getting rid of apostrophes from all street signs. So now you are left to wonder whether "Queens Square" is owned by a queen or just a square populated with queens.

Why did they do this? They say it is too confusing. Really. That's what they said. Birmingham's officials have been debating this for years. It's been a huge problem for people. If my town council was debating this, I would throw oranges at them and tell them to fix the potholes. Or the pothole's potholes.

I guess they COULD get rid of the apostrophe. If anybody asked you to find St. Mary's Road, would you need to know if there was an apostrophe or not? Probably not.

"Hi. I'm an American. Can you help me find something?"

"Cheerio! 'Course I can guvnuh!"

"Can you point me towards St. Mary's Road?

"Are you looking for the road Mary owns or the one with more than one Mary?"

"I guess the one she owns."

"Right-oh, chap! You're on it!"

"Thank you!"

"Cheers!"

I don't think that will ever happen. What I found interesting was that the group of grammar-philes over there yell at stores that use the possessive when they really shouldn't. This would probably annoy me as well.

There are stores that put up signs that say "apple's and pear's". Are they daft? Really? I would go into that store and ask what the apple owns. If they couldn't tell me, I would steal all their apples and say I own them now.

How's that for possessive!

Take that bad grammar.

I'm off to apostrophize.

Enjoy!

-DJ