bow-humor

I may have mentioned in the past that I'm bow-legged. It's pretty exciting. I walk like a cowboy. Though, clearly I am not that rugged. I have a rug at home, but I don't think that counts.

If you don't know, a bow-legged person can't put their knees together if their feet are touching. Try it. Stand straight up. Put your feet together. I bet you can get your knees to touch. I can't. Thus creating a "bow" effect.

I tell myself that this happened because my legs needed the arch in order to support the major awesomeness of my upper body. I encourage you to tell me that as well.

Back to the point: I heard a bow-legged joke this weekend! I know! I didn't think there were any! But there is at least one. I'm pretty excited. I would like to use it at cocktail parties and social gatherings. Not that I go to either, but if I ever accidentally enter one, I can use this joke.

Why did the cowboy lose his job?

Because he couldn't keep his calves together!

HA!

Tell you friends. Do you know any bow-legged jokes? I'd love to hear them. And steal them so I can be popular at parties.

I'm off to ride a horse.

Enjoy!

-DJ

radio by candle

It’s been a crazy day! The radio station lost power, so we got to work in the dark today! That’s right, a huge chunk of Springfield lost power and we were lucky enough to be affected. We had a generator powering the music. And that’s it. We had candles lighting our way.

It got kinda hot (since we didn’t have air conditioning), but at least it smelled like lavender!

What are you supposed to do when you have no power, you ask? I’ll tell you. Sit in a room with people all morning and get really hot. At least, that’s what it seems like we were doing. I don’t know if you like doing that.

Hopefully you have power. There was also a water main break. So, some people had no water or power. I even heard that some tumbleweeds were blowing down the street. And then a mysterious man rode in on a horse.

Then it started raining, so he rode away.

Hopefully people will start getting power back soon.

I’m off rob a stagecoach.

Enjoy!

-DJ

mmmmm...jerky

I love hunting catalogs. I mean, I have never hunted and probably never will, but I just LOVE the products they sell. You can buy some of the most amazing things for a hunter.

Like a jerky gun. That's right! You can "make great-tasting jerky right at home." It's a large gun-shaped thing with a tube for the meat and a large handle to squeeze. As you squeeze, the meat comes out in different jerky-shapes. It's like Play-Doh Fun Factory. Except meatier.

Now, there might be people out there who are thinking, "Of course there's a jerky gun. How else did he expect me to make my jerky at home?" And they'd be right. It seems so obvious. But, since I can't remember the last time I ate beef jerky (or any other jerky for that matter), I never really thought about the procedure.

There is a pistol, a blaster AND A SUPER JERKY BLASTER! The Super Blaster has 7.2 volts of jerky pushin' power. That bad boy will "dispense meat only when you want it to."

And we all HATE it when our jerky guns dispense meat when somebody else asks it to. You gotta keep those jerky guns in line!

And that is why we have a Super Jerky Blaster. For the man or woman who wants to keep their meat in control.

It also has a "comfortable, soft-touch handle." Niiiiice.

I'm off to shoot some meat.

Enjoy!

-DJ

you won't see me here

Again, sometimes I don't quite understand other cultures. Then again, I don't understand most things that don't involve comic books, so I'm pretty clueless.

England had its annual "Tough Guy Race" a few days ago. Sound like fun? Did you know that you have to sign a death warrant before starting? I guess you have to say they won't be responsible...if you die...from this race.

I know what some people might say, "Well, you run the risk of death every time you get into your car." And they'd be right. BUT, I don't get into my car thinking, "I'm going to drive my car all crazy-like with hopes of risking death."

You have to run through a pond full of leeches, scale a 40ft tall wall, and even run over burning tires. How do you decide to do all that?!

"So, what do you want to do today?"

"Hmmm...How about we care for kittens at the local shelter?"

"OR! We could go run over burning tires!"

"Well slap my wrists and call me sprinkles! I'm all about that!"

"Really? I was just kidding. I'm all about the kittens."

"oh...yeah...me too. I love kittens. Like, way more than catching on fire."

So, if you're a tough guy or gal, you can go cover yourself with leeches and play with fire. I'll stick to fluffy bunnies.

I'm off to toughen up.

Enjoy!

-DJ

gloves for your feet

There seems to be a lot of talk these days about those Vibram Five Finger shoes. They aren't really shoes. They are like gloves for your feet. You can see each toe. And they look stupid.

I'm not one to completely care about fashion, as MANY have pointed out, but there is a point when I might say, "Do I really want feet gloves?" To which I'll answer, "NO!"

Apparently there is some sort of "science" behind this idea. They say it's better to run barefoot because that is how we evolved.

Yeah, well as much as I like nature, it didn't get EVERYTHING right.

Like the manatee. What does that do? I love manatees, but really, they look like floating rocks.

Or flamingos. Talk about NOT blending in. They're just asking to be attacked by predators! Yeah, let's stand on one leg and BE BRIGHT PINK! Nobody will find us!

Or Canadians! Sheesh! (I don't know what that means, but it's been far too long since I made fun of my friends to the north)

So if you feel inspired to run around barefoot, go for it. If you feel inspired to run around with foot-gloves, just go barefoot. Please. Nobody wants another "crocs" fad. I don't think the world can handle it.

I'm off to run with SHOES on.

Enjoy!

-DJ

mix tapes

Sometimes you notice that you are getting old. At least I do. I did when I asked a younger person about mix tapes. They don't have them anymore. They were so popular for years! Then they died quickly when digital media got so cheap and easy.

I would like to make a mix tape. I don't think anybody could listen to it, but I still want to make one. It was truly a labor of love. Especially when you had to go tape-to-tape. You had to find the song you wanted on one tape and then put it onto the blank tape. CDs made it a little easier, but it still took a long time.

And you wanted to hit pause on the tape deck because you would hear that click if you hit stop. Pause only made a slight "shwrit" noise. Much cleaner.

You could decorate the tape and the case for it. Usually with hearts because you made it for a girl you liked.

Now kids can buy and iPod and put 1000 songs on it and say, "All of these songs make me think of you." But back then, we had to pick the top 20-30 songs, so they REALLY had to mean something.

You kids have it so easy. We spent hours trying to impress girls. Now you can just transfer everything over to your mp3 player.

Did you ever make a mix tape? Decorated and everything? Or did you get a bunch of them? I still have mine. They're memories. I never taped over them. Kids can just delete the songs with the push of a button now. We had to get scotch tape and put it over the holes where the tabs were popped out.

Oh well...

I'm off to yell at those kids to get off my lawn.

Enjoy!

-DJ

moon landings

It's been 40 years since we landed on the moon. I say we, but WE didn't actually do it. At least I didn't. Maybe you did.

It seems people at NASA aren't so great with recording things because they lost original TV transmissions of the moon landings. Yeah. That's why we always see a cruddy copy of it. NASA didn't feel that putting humans on a celestial object was all that important.

I'm glad I don't have NASA in charge of my DVR. I might miss an episode of So You Think You Can Dance. If don't get my weekly dose of SYTYCD, I get cranky. And not just adult cranky, more like a hungry baby who needs a diaper change cranky.

What were they thinking? That this would happen every day?

NASA 1: Hey, can I take one of these tapes?

NASA 2: Sure, I think it's just one of those moon landing tapes. Why do you need it?

NASA 1: I want to tape the next episode of Green Acres. It looks Hi-Lar-I-Ous!

NASA 2: I love that show! I think I'll take one of those tapes too! Stupid moon landing. Who would want to watch that again when we have Green Acres?

NASA 1: I know. LAAAAAME!

It's a good thing Buzz brought his camera phone up there or we might not have ANY video of the event. It's too bad camera phone quality wasn't as good back then. I don't know how people survived without 8.59 megapixel cameras.

I'm off to land on the moon.

Enjoy!

-DJ