nothing at all

There is a small town in Arizona named Nothing. It has two residents. There is a pizza parlor and a mini mart. The town is five to nine acres in size.

What does that even mean?! Five to nine acres?! How does a town change size? Is there some sort of tectonic plate there? Does it constantly shift? Are they located next to an unstable multi-dimensional shift?

Why doesn't another real town just absorb Nothing? I'll tell you why. Pizza Man Mike.

Pizza Man Mike is trying to keep Nothing going strong. He wants to create Nothing into a private community. I guess for the two people who live there. Mike wants Nothing for himself and his neighbor.

I'm not sure Mike gets the joke. I do.

So, if you're looking for a family road trip across the states, then be sure to stop in Nothing and have a pizza. Tell Mike I said hi. And to give up. Nothing isn't worth it. And not in a double negative sort of way.

I'm off to shift a tectonic plate.

Enjoy!

-DJ

tongue lashing

Did you hear the story about actress Rosario Dawson? She doesn't have kids, but when she does, she said that she will lick their face in public if they ever get rowdy.

How did she get this gross idea, you ask? Her mom did it to her. Yep. That's how moms quiet their kids. A good face licking.

I guess it could work. I would not act up if I knew that my face would get licked. Of course, if I saw a mother doing that to her child at the store, I might call security. That just seems cruel and unusual. Mostly unusual.

Do you do anything that horrible to your kids? Couldn't you think of something a little less...um...face licky? I mean, aren't people arrested for doing stuff like that?

I'm pretty sure I was, but that whole week is a bit hazy, so I can't be sure. All I know is that I can't go to Arizona or Utah anymore.

Or purchase cream of wheat. In any state.

I really can't divulge any more information. I'm sure you'll learn about it when the investigation becomes public record.

I'm off to NOT get my face licked.

Enjoy!

-DJ