no really, it's supposed to be funny

It's April Fool's Day! Where people do stuff! I don't really know what, but they do it. I never got involved with it. I don't celebrate April 1. I prefer March to last 32 days. Then I go to April 2. I'm a big March fan.

If you didn't know, the French LOVE this day! They call it Poisson d'Avril. Which means "April Fish." You tape a paper fish to somebody's back. Then their friends yell, "Poisson d'Avril!" when they see it on you. And that's funny. For some reason.

Person 1: "Bonjour!"

Person 2: "Poisson d'Avril!"

Person 1: "Oh, is there a fish on my back? Cool. Thanks."

Person 2: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Person 1: "...yeah...it's not that funny...it's just a fish taped to my back."

Person 2: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! There's a fish taped to your back! You totally got fished! It's hilarious!"

Person 1: "...riiiiiight..."

Since it IS so funny, I'm going to do that today. But instead of a fish, I will use buttered toast. Or hummus! Hummus is ALWAYS funny!

And instead of putting it on their back, I will put it on their nose!

I'm already laughing.

Fish are stinky.

I'm off to Poisson d'Avril.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

feel the bastille

Bastille Day needs better PR. Did anybody even know that it was Bastille Day? I barely knew it. I found it on a scrap of paper on the sidewalk. That's how little people care.

But they SHOULD care! In 1789 people in France turned off TV and stormed the Bastille dungeon!

The monarchy was all, "You don't like French Idol? YOU GO TO JAIL!"

And the people were all like, "That's not fair! I want to watch NCIS!"

And the Kings and Queens were all like, "That's not a bad show, but you HAVE to watch French Idol! Until they invent some sort of device that lets you record two programs at once, you will watch what we tell you to watch!"

Remember, this happened way back in 1789 and they didn't have the dual-tuner DVR yet. They also yelled a lot.

So, they started a revolution.

But nobody even cares! In honor of my love of French stuff like fries and dressing and Renoir, I'm starting a new ad campaign for Bastille Day.

Loud sound of thunder: "BADOOOOOOM!"

Deep voice guy: "FEEL THE BASTILLE!"

Thunder again: "BADOOOOOOM!"

Then a bolt of lightning flashes across the screen: "FLAZASH!"

Deep voice guy: "IN FRANCE!"

Then big explosion sound: "BOOOOOM!!!!!!!"

And that is what gets people excited.

I'm off to record two things at once.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

here's a stick, kid. enjoy.

A friend of mine is going through her quarter-life crisis and is learning how to play guitar. I'm not saying that to make fun of her. I've been going through mine for a few years now. I'm probably entering my three-tenths crisis right about now. I really need to get over it. I mean, I've started taking dance classes. That's like trying to teach a rainbow lorikeet how to plow a field.

Anyway, she decided to learn how to play guitar, take french classes, learn piano, maybe some acting classes, knit for money and herd sheep blindfolded. The important one is that she is learning how to play guitar, which is totally cool because it can help her pick up chicks. It didn't help me do that in college, but I know, if you're any good at it (I'm not), that it can make the ladies swoon. I don't know if her boyfriend will get jealous, but that's what happens when you're dating a rock star. Just ask Jennifer Anniston.

We were talking about those wonderful days in kindergarten when it was music day. There were a bunch of percussion instruments in a plastic bin and you would rush to get the ONE tambourine only to end up with a stick.

For those of you who might not know, a percussion instrument is one that requires hitting. Like drums. Or my head. Both make thud sounds.

I don't think I ever got the tambourine, BUT I would sometimes get a stick and a block so I could keep time with Mary Had a Little Lamb. I rocked that song harder than any of ewe. (HA! Get it? A sheep is a ewe? Mary had a lamb? sigh...I tried.)

SO, what really got us talking was the "bumpy stick" instrument. Did you have these? It was a stick that was bumpy. You could slide it across the edge of a table and it would go "brdubrdubrdubrdubrdu." It looked a little like the coil of a notebook wire. I have no idea how else to explain it. I just remember enjoying it because you could slide it over the edge of a block AND hit the block. It was like two instruments in one! Take that tambourine!

Ok, so the tambourine could be hit AND it would jingle. That's a little bit cooler than the bumpy stick, but I'd like to see tambourine-players use the tambourine in bar fight. They would just get laughed at. Bumpy stick could whack somebody over the head AND then you could slide it over the corner of the bar to make a noise. Kind of a like an "I just beat down your tambourine! brdubrdubrdubrdu! Sucka!" Oh yeah...that's rubbing kosher sea salt into the wound.

Whew...I should really calm down. I think I have a lot of repressed anger from those music days in kindergarten. I think that's why I never actually became a rock star. It's because I never got the tambourine on music day. Yeah...we'll go with that stup...uh...BRILLIANT excuse.

I'm off to herd sheep. Where's my blindfold? Oh...it's on...heh...no wonder I couldn't see it. (I'm on fire today!)

Enjoy!

-DJ