new name

So, some guy in Minnesota stole fishnet stockings and some DVDs from a store. Big deal, right? That happens every day in Minnesota. I mean, if guys aren't wearing fishnet stockings in Minnesota, they're eating sugar beets, you know?

The interesting part of this story is that the suspect's name is Spiral Lightninghawk. WOAH! I would NOT mess with a guy wearing fishnets if he told me his name was Lightninghawk!

Since his name is so cool, I have decided to change my name. I have a few choices. Let me know what you think.

Vertigo Dragonhammer

Thunder Stonebreaker

Typhoon Firetiger

or Princess Pink Fairy Fuzzyglitter.

I'm quite fond of the last one, but they're all pretty tough.

I'm off to grab some fishnets full of sugar beets.

Enjoy!

-DJ

basic human rights

While our country is wasting time trying to figure out if getting health care is a basic human right, Finland is tackling the real issues.

Broadband Internet.

It is now LAW in Finland that everybody in the country must be given access to broadband internet. It is, in fact, a basic human right...to go online.

And I couldn't agree more.

I have decided to root for this new government health care because that will get us one step closer to government mandated internet access.

Think of the utopia we would achieve! Everybody could find my wishlist on Amazon! I have, like, ten pages of stuff I want! (And I have it organized by priority, so please go with the highest priority first. Thank you.)

Since everybody in Finland will be online, we'll be able to chat with them about Finnish rock band Apocalyptica. Or converse about Linus Torvalds brilliant Linux OS.

Finally, after all that wonderful conversation, we'll wind down with a Runeberg tart and talk about Pesapallo.

Oh the Finnish times we'll have. ( Editor’s note: Jokes are funnier when accompanied with the Finland Wikipedia page...we think.)

I'm off to Finnish what I started. (Okay, so that joke is funny AND you don't have to look anything up!)

Enjoy!

-DJ

alfred nobel

Alfred Nobel gives out peace prizes. Well, he doesn't, but some guy named Thorbjoern (which I pronounce "Thor-burn") Jagland does in Al's honor.

I have learned two things from reading the news this weekend.

1. President Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize

2. Norwegians have really cool names. I would NOT mess with somebody named Thorbjoern Jagland.

Some people are a little upset with Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize because it is based on his dream of peace and not any actual peace happenings.

The Republican party has even joked that he won it "for awesomeness."

To which I say, "Awesomeness is no joke!"

Now, I don't really care that he got the prize. I AM upset that they do NOT have a Nobel Awesome Prize. And slightly more upset that I haven't gotten it yet.

Finally, if the Peace Prize represents the Awesome Prize, then I SHOULD have gotten it. Dermatologists everywhere agree (even though I didn't really ask them) that my awesomeness has created world peace. Take that, Thorbjoern.

I'm off to claim my Nobel.

Enjoy!

-DJ

my house

If you think teachers have a good deal getting weekends and summers off, wait until you hear about this! The House of Representatives works only three days a week!

It's true! Their average work week starts on Tuesday night at 6:30pm and goes until Thursday night. No specific time, just when the work gets done. Which is usually before Grey's Anatomy comes on. The HoR's love that Izzie.

But really, who doesn't.

I'm thinking of getting into the house. I have your best interests at heart. I would encourage you to work multiple jobs so you can buy food while I enjoy my four-day weekend. Since you won't have time for vacation, I will go on a cruise in your place. In a way, I will "represent" you on the cruise. Nice, right?

Now, don't think I won't work hard for those other three days. I will probably tweet about our arguments on twitter. I will also be your neighbor on Farmville. While they filibuster, I'll scare crows off your farm.

Vote me in now. I don't really know when the House needs new people, but write some letters to congress and maybe they'll let me in.

Before Thanksgiving would be nice. I need some extra time for xmas shopping.

I'm off to find a political party.

Enjoy!

-DJ

people get paid for this?

The Federal Trade Commission told me that I have to disclose whether or not I have been compensated for things said on my blog. Yes, some people get free stuff for writing about it on their blogs. Now the government wants to know about it.

At this moment, I have not been paid, in any form, by the Candy Association, The Unicorn Society or the Totally Awesome Ninja Group.

Today's blog, being a legal document (because I said so), is my only notice that I will review whatever I want and say whatever I want (mostly about candy) without getting any sort of compensation for it. If I do, in fact, get something from a company that wants me to review it, I will say that they gave me their product to review.

For example, if the government sends me money to "test" out, I will inform all of you that the government sent me money. I will also give an unbiased review of the money they sent me. Maybe it was good money (like many $100 bills) or maybe it was bad money (like a few $1 bills), but either way, I will let you know who sent it to me. And I will tell you what I bought.

If you didn't get the hint, government, send me money to try. I'm sure people are wondering if it's good or not. I'll even do a taste test and everything. How else will people find out if the dollar tastes better than the euro?

They won't. So send me money.

I'm off to disclose my info.

Enjoy!

-DJ

river of january

Rio de Janeiro will host the 2016 Olympics. I never watch the Olympics, but maybe I will when they go to Rio.

Why? Let me, and their board of tourism, tell you!

It is home to the Copacabana. Granted, we're not talking about the same one north of Havana, BUT it's still pretty cool. Everybody loves Barry Manilow. He is, in fact, the man...ilow.

They have a cable car. Because people love...that...cable stuff.

For the millions of bossa nova fans out there, you could visit the girl from Ipanema.

And! If that's not enough for you! They have the EIGHTH largest library in the world! So, if you've already gone to the first seven, which I'm sure you have, you have to see the eighth! Sure they might have slightly fewer books than the other ones, but where else will you find a first edition Os Lusiadas by Luis de Camoes.

Not in the Library of Congress, I'll tell you that much.

So go to Rio to check out the Olympics. Grab a copy of Os Lusiadas and lay out on the Copacabana. Then watch some people run or something. It'll be a great time.

I'm off to Cidade Maravilhosa.

Enjoy!

-DJ

heaven in dubai

There is a giant mall in Dubai. I don't know where Dubai is, but I'm going to type it into a GPS and find it because they are adding the world's largest candy store to their giant mall.

According to Dubai officials, there is more demand than supply for candy in the region. I had no idea life was so rough there. Perhaps I should send money to Dubai children so they can get candy. For the price of a candy bar a day, I can get a candy bar to a needy child in Dubai every day.

The store will be 10,000 square feet. It will also have a 30-foot tall singing chocolate tree decorated with lollipops. Awesome.

And if you are on the other side of the mall, don't worry, you can still get candy. There will be a car that drives around the mall selling candy. Like a candy car.

So I'm thinking of sneaking into the store and living in the corner. Maybe build up a wall of jelly beans and gummy bears to hide behind. And at night, I'll eat all the candy I can before I collapse in my candy home.

I will also have a pet puma. The puma will be made out of m&ms and licorice. Her name will be Snowflake.

I'm off to Dubai.

Enjoy!

-DJ