Obstruction Of Consciousness

new blog spots

2012-02-09T13:45:00.005-05:00

After much thought and consideratering, I have decided to retire the obstruction.

NOW, everything will feel like wednesday. If you like reading my stuff and you like blogger, you'll find it here:

http://feelslikewednesday.blogspot.com/

If you like tumblr and you like reading my stuff, go here instead:

http://feelslikewednesday.tumblr.com/

Thank you for your time.

I'm off to blog.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

that isn't very relaxing

2012-02-08T13:24:00.001-05:00

I'm the kind of guy who loves to relax. If I could afford a day at the spa, you KNOW I would be there ready to be sootherated.

Since I cannot afford anything that fancy, I do listen to relaxing sounds online.

It's nice! They'll have birds chirping. Water babbling. Sometimes they have, like, wind chimes and stuff. Maybe a pan flute. I don't know if Zamfir is involved, but I secretly hope he is.

I was relaxing to some birds the other day and a lawnmower goes by! Two times!

How is that calming?!

Sure, sometimes it would be nice to have Zamfir drop that flute and chop it up with a lawnmower, but not while I'm sipping tea and eating crumpets!

I don't even know what a crumpet is! But I secretly hope that it is a cookie shaped like a trumpet.

Maybe my next relaxing night will go better. But I wouldn't be surprised if I'm listening to the sounds of the forest and a chainsaw goes by.

Because that's relaxing. Like an arrow to the knee.

I'm off to play my crumpet.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

meat doesn't go there

2012-02-06T13:47:00.000-05:00

I don't know what's going on in Detroit, but bacon is not an adhesive bandage. I mean, I'm pretty sure it isn't. I guess I could be wrong.

It turns out doctors have, in fact, used bacon to stop massive nose bleeding. YUP! You have to stick bacon up your nose!

Now, kids...don't stick stuff up your nose. Not bacon or marbles or anything deep fried, without your parents permission.

Parents, if you permit your kids to stick bacon and marbles and anything deep fried up their nose...I'm not sure if you're the greatest or the worst parents ever.

So if you're looking for some sort of bleeding-stopper at the store and you find "nose bacon" on the shelf, you may want to try it.

If you find some "ear sausages" on the shelf, you...wait...where are you?!

What are these stores you go to?!

That's just weird stuff. If you EVER need me to buy stuff for you, I'm not going to your freaky pig-body part stores.

I'm not into that sort of thing.

I don't want to know where a pork rind might go. I don't even know what a "rind" is. And I don't WANT to know.

I'm off to stop the bleeding.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

insider and outsider trading

2012-02-03T13:57:00.000-05:00

So there's talk around Congress about insider trading. I don't know much about the law and the government and kangaroos, but I know that they all exist.

Okay, I'm not 100% on that, but I'm about 67% sure.

According the folks in Congress, they could get insider stock tips so they could make some big monies. But, insider trading is illegal. Except for them.

Since the law DIDN'T say they COULDN'T do it, they figured it was okay.

And THAT is my kinda logic!

Since there is no actual proof that unicorns don't exist, clearly they do! And since there is no actual law specifically telling me that I, personally, cannot take all the money from a bank, clearly I can.

OH! There is also no law that says all comic book companies are supposed to NOT give me comic books free for life, therefore they should be giving me comic books, for free, for life!

Because that's how the law works!

According to congress.

That is why I'm going to start my political career today.

Vote for me. I want to do everything you can't.

Thank you.

I'm off to start a PAC.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

i like it when it glitters

2012-02-02T13:20:00.000-05:00

Republican candidate Mittens Romney has been going around talking about stuff lately. Sadly, he is not talking about kittens. I truly think that should be his political stance. He should just talk about kittens at every rally!

"Hello, my name is Mittens. I like Kittens. Thank you."

"WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (that's the crowd reaction)

Well! Somebody went one step further to make his campaign even better! GLITTER!

Mittens was glitter bombed! How wonderful is that!

I like it when bombs glitter. Not like those blow uppy ones that hurt. Glitter bombs are much nicer. AND they go great with kittens and Mittens!

I think we could win every war EVER if we just glitter bomb people! Imagine the love!

Other country: "We are going to war you!"

Our country "Ok!"

POOOOOOM! GLITTER BOMB!

Other country: "We love you! And glitter! And kittens!"

Our country: "YAY!"

World problems? Solved.

I'm off to glitter my kitten and glitten my kitter.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

little bittle skittle

2012-01-31T18:59:00.001-05:00

Have you seen the Skittles Riddles? They are Skittles flavors, BUT the color doesn't match the flavor inside!

So, if you get a purple Skittle, you don't know if it's cherry or banana or table or rubber or chocolate or what!

But I would like to ask a question...Does it matter?

I have, at times, taken every color of Skittle and put them with their own colors for various reasons. Twice for eating.

I have found that a handful of Skittles of ANY color tastes good. Sugary fruit! That's it!

So do I care what color the Skittle is on the outside? NO! They all taste like sugar! Because that's all they are! And that is all I want them to be!

It's not like yellow Skittles are yellow because they use lemons to make them. I know that and I'm okay with it.

So who are they really fooling with these?

Your children. Someday, if you buy these, your child will have NO idea what color goes with what fruit. They'll see a Lime and call it a Strawberry. You can tell them otherwise, but they'll just say, "Strawberries taste green, lady!" They will say that to you whether you are the mother or the father.

And whose fault is that? Skittles.

Do you know what they should do? They should combine Skittles and M&M's. YES! Why have a peanut or a pretzel in your M&M's when you could have a Skittle in there?!

How awesome would that be?! WHY DON'T THEY HAVE THIS!

It's a conspiracy! It's a fruit-color-chocolate-coated conspiracy! I'm going to go buy a bag of Skittles and a bag of M&M's right now. JUST to prove how good it is. Not the little bags, either. I'm going LARGE BAG!

I'm off to get a tummy ache.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

are car bumpers unhappy?

2012-01-30T13:58:00.000-05:00

I know how to drive an automobile. Or, as the kids call it, a horseless carriage. And sometimes, when the police are not patrolling, I am actually allowed to drive places!

It's a lot of fun. But I do it responsibly. Partly because I like safety. Mostly because I don't want to go to jail.

For the past few weeks, I've noticed something odd during my driving adventures.

Car bumpers.

YEP! They're everywhere! Just sitting there on the side of the road!

Now, I bet you're wondering "Why would car bumpers just abandon the rest of their car bodies?"

I have 37 theories. 26 involve ninjas. 5 require large red dragons. 3 rely on theoretical physics. And 2 need me in space.

There is one other theory, but it's just too crazy to even mention. But, just in case, if you see a dinosaur with stars instead of horns that knows how to recite Shakespeare and rides on a blue cloud, please tell me. That would totally confirm my last theory.

I'd love to hear your theories. But I'm sure I already thought of it. I mean, I do have 37 of them. That's kind of a lot.

I'm off to check my bumper for ninjas.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

tattoo yourself

2012-01-27T09:09:00.000-05:00

I've had this blue dot on my hand for years. I mean, I remember having it in elementary school. I don't know where I got it, but it has never gone away.

WELL! I've asked around, and people are telling me that it IS possible to tattoo yourself! One theory is that I must have inked myself at a very young age so deep that the skin grew over it and now I have a small tattoo on my hand.

What's that? You say I'm totally hardcore for giving myself a tattoo?

Yes. Yes, I am.

I think I did it when I was behind bars. Crib-style. I had to show my cabbage patch kid who was the boss.

Turned out he was the boss because he took WAY more abuse than I did. And I named him Michael Knight, so he's automatically tougher than I am.

THEORY TWO! Turns out they sometimes give a small tattoo to twins. Well, one of the twins. So you know which is which. Could I have a twin? And not just a twin, but I'm the imperfect one that was dotted!

Where is this perfect version of me? Is he or she a ninja? A movie star? A vampire?

I've been told I look like a Flynn Rider. Is that my twin?! Is that who I'm supposed to be?! Why can't I be Flynn Rider?!

Okay...so maybe Flynn Rider is a stretch, but a 9-year-old girl thinks I look like him, so I'll believe her.

I'm off to find a third theory.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

i wanna golf like it's 1899

2012-01-26T14:01:00.000-05:00

I was reading a book. I know, pretty rad. But, while reading said book, I came across a word that made my toes tingle with excitement.

Mashie Niblick.

Okay, so it's kinda like two words, but still, you feel the tingle.

The mashie niblick is a golf club! I know! How awesome is that! Golf clubs used to have SUPER FUN NAMES! I guess the game wasn't boring enough, so they stopped using cool names and decided to call all of them woods and irons.

But did you know that there used to be a Brassie?! YEAH! You might even hit something with a Spoon! Maybe take a few shots with a Jigger!

Okay, that last sentence sounds more like a night at a bar, but isn't that how golf usually ends (OOOOOOH! GOLF ZINGER!)

It would be sooooo much more fun listening to the announcers, too.

"Well Berthold, it looks like he's going to play with his Cleek here."

" Yes Shelby, but it would probably be better if he used his Mashie."

"Really Berthold. That's the club you would use. REALLY?! Why don't you just suggest his Baffing Spoon! That would make just as much sense! ...mashie...I work with a bunch of niblicks..."

"..."

WOAH! Those old-time golf announcers are mean! But way more fun!

I'm off to play with my Mashie Niblick.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

solar storms are coming again

2012-01-24T13:30:00.000-05:00

SO PANIC!

Or don't. You don't really have to. It might only disturb the Earth's magnetic field for a little while. If you get home from work and all your magnets from your fridge fell off, you now know why.

I hope you don't magnet anything valuable on your fridge like family heirlooms or babies. Or, if you do, maybe put them on display somewhere else for a day or two. Just to be safe. Until the solar storms stop.

Or, if you have mutant powers of magnetism, like Magneto, you might not be able to do much. I wouldn't try to throw any trains around or anything. It might end up falling on you. And that's REALLY uncomfortable.

This coronal mass ejection is actually coming at us pretty fast. 4 MILLION miles an hour.

I once got my car to go that fast. But only once. It cost too much to keep replacing the tires.

Does it rain sunshine during solar storms? I bet that would be pretty! Little golden drops of sun would land on your head and make a golden rainbow!

Oh...wait...the sun is really hot. It's, like, hotter than steamed milk. And steamed milk is pretty hot. And something hotter than THAT might actually burn you.

Hmmm...maybe this solar storm isn't really that fun. Maybe I should run and panic and hide in a metal shelter.

Nah. I wanna see sunshine rain from the sky!

I'm off to catch some sun drops on my tongue.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

mittens, mittens everywhere

2012-01-23T13:45:00.000-05:00

My faith in humanity has been restored!

I was driving to work with my mittens on. Then, the heat started working, so I took them off and put them on my lap.

THEN! I got to work, forget that they were on my lap and I guess they fell onto the ground.

When I got out of work, guess what I saw next to my car...

MY MITTENS!

Nobody stole them! How amazing is that?! I even had a car next to me. That person could have seen my mittens and just taken them and kept their hands warm forever.

But they didn't! Because they love me!

I'm sure they love you, too. I bet they wouldn't steal your mittens, either.

Mittens Romney probably gets mittens for free since that's his name.

Speaking of presidential names. Well, Mittens isn't president yet, but he's trying! Did you know the president of Nigeria has a fun name? It's Goodluck Jonathan!

I wish they would work together for a bill or law or something. Like, the "Goodluck Mittens Accord."

That would be the most ADORABLE accord ever! I LOVE IT! Maybe use a picture of a kitten on it!

Kittens wearing mittens are so cute. I'd say that's tied for 3rd on my "Most Cutest Things Ever" list.

I'm off to wear my mittens.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

science should know by now that this is a bad idea

2012-01-20T13:10:00.000-05:00

What are they thinking?! Scientists have created "supersoldier" ants with HUGE HEADS! They figured out what genes to "mess around" with to give ants GIANT MANDIBLES!

REALLY?! Haven't these people watched ANY science FACT movies from the 50's! YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER!

I once saw a movie with giant grasshoppers. Do you know what happened. PEOPLE GOT HURT! They climbed buildings!

Do we REALLY want giant ants?! They lift 50 times their own weight. Do you know how much that is when an ant is bigger than you? I can tell you. IT'S A LOT!

Luckily, I have a backup plan. It involves gophers, hedgehogs and clip-on ties.

But we can avoid all this with one simple idea: Stop making giant ants.

INSTEAD! Let's make giant Hershey Kisses. I know what you're thinking, "They already make giant Hershey Kisses."

No. They don't. Those are kinda big Hershey Kisses. Bigger than the ones in the bag. But not GIANT. When I say giant, I MEAN GIANT! Like, as big as Australia! THAT is giant!

This way, we won't get eaten by giant ants. And we get chocolate.

I say that's a win-win. And two wins are better than a mandible crushing your head. Trust me, I know.

I'm off to talk with the hedgehogs.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the mug conspiracy

2012-01-19T08:49:00.000-05:00

Hi. How are you. What's that? Oh my mug? With the dragon? Yeah. I know. It's totes awesome. No bigs. Just sippin' some tea.

How do you get one? Oh, you know...YOU JUST HAVE TO USE MAGIC TO ENSCORCEL A DRAGON AND TRAP IT'S SOUL IN A MUG! That's all.

Yes, I have an amazingly huge mug with a dragon on it. It's so sweet.

I have this mug problem, so when I find a large mug with a large bottom, I get excited.

See...I notice the "average" mug is pretty small. It's, like, just big enough for 8 oz. of liquid. So when it comes to STIRRING that liquid, it just splashes everywhere! I'm NOT a dainty stirererer! I like my beverages well mixed!

ALSO! Why do a lot of mugs get smaller at the bottom? Cups too! Do you drink coffee or tea or anything in a mug near an electronic device? Wouldn't you want a large-bottomed mug next to it so it would be harder to tip? Maybe even a weighted bottom! The mug might wobble, but it won't fall down!

So finding a big, large-bottomed mug is hard. But it can be done! So don't just take what the mug companies give you! Fight back and only buy big mugs and let your voice be heard!

Occupy Mugs! Larger mugs mean larger hugs!

Stand tall like a mug with me!

I can also fight back with my ensorcelling. Though, that usually only works on dragons.

Unless dragons control the mug industry! Now THAT would explain a lot!

I'm off to sip my mug.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

it's a cookie in a jar

2012-01-17T13:41:00.001-05:00

Oh! Em! Gee! Have you ever had Biscoff spread? YOU HAVEN'T! You NEED to try this!

So, this Austrian company makes these cookies called "speculoos." One day, somebody said, "Wouldn't it be great if you could just make this fantastically tastalicious cookie into a creamy spread?!"

Half the people who heard that statement fell over. The other half screamed in excitement. 17 people walking by the building discovered the meaning of life. Two people actually learned how to fly by using pure thought energy. And 26 babies were born. They're nothing special, JUST THE MIRACLE OF LIFE!

After learning the secrets of Shangri-La and the garden of the Hesperides, they were able to magically turn speculoos into a spread!

Or a butter. I don't know how to describe it. It's like peanut butter. But peanut butter isn't really like cow butter. So...you know...it's creamy...and yummy...and butteryish?

NOW! Through the magic of science and...well...magic...YOU TOO can spread a cookie onto anything you want and not get that crumbly side-effect!

It tastes kinda like a cinnamon graham cracker. That you spread. ON EVERYTHING!

You should buy some speculoo spread. Miracles will happen. Sure it depends on your definition of "miracle," but mine includes that feeling of sparkles in your tummy. And that happens every time I eat Biscoff spread.

I'm off to speculoo.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

bad at keeping time

2012-01-12T13:56:00.001-05:00

Have you heard about this Doomsday Clock? It's not a very good clock. I mean, the time changes all willy-nilly! Some guy can just move it forward a minute or two. But then, another guy can go there and move it back!

What kind of clock is that? I might miss Sesame Street! Or my plane! Or anything else that will happen at any previously planned designated time!

I mean, I have this clock at home that keeps going. Like, I set it once, and then the second hand keeps going around and the minutes keep moving forward and stuff and I'm pretty sure that's how it's supposed to go.

But this Doomsday Clock is getting moved back and forth by some evil scientist.

At least, I imagine it's an evil scientist. What OTHER kind of scientist would name something a "Doomsday" clock?!

I've read enough comic books to know that when "Doomsday" is used to describe something, that something is made to destroy the world.

Here's my idea. Move the minute hand WAY before doomsday o'clock and take the batteries out. This way, we won't have to worry about any doomsdayery happening.

If possible, could we move it to 2:30? I like that time. That's when it's time to go to the dentist. (That joke makes me laugh EVERY TIME!)

Or, if that's not possible, could we at least set it to Pretzel Time. That'd be swell. Thanks.

I'm off to set my clock.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

i have no idea what is going on here

2012-01-10T14:17:00.001-05:00

I saw the strangest thing. D'Noddy Oh. That's all I know about it. I got a Roku player for Christmas (thanks Chris!). It has a lot free channels and a lot of pay channels. Some of the pay channels let you watch clips or something from their programming.

There is a channel for toddlers with a few clips that I can watch for free. Since I'm a HUGE fan of toddler television, I decided to check it out.

This was...weird...but I have to watch it over and over again. I can't stop!

D'Noddy Oh is a cat superimposed on different backgrounds while she's rolling around.

And some guy is singing the whole time.

So it starts normal with her on a cloud (trust me, that's normal for this). Then on grass. Which is normal for cats.

Then it starts to get weird when she is on a sphinx head. And finally, she is on...it seems to be a green cloud of fairy dust and marbles...floating to the moon.

Suddenly! It ends all angry! Out of nowhere, D'Noddy Oh gets so mad that she starts attacking party streamers!

Why D'Noddy OH?! WHY?!?!?!

Oh...and then there's the guy with the bat wings.

This is my life. That and upside down peanut butter. More on that later.

Please, feel free to watch it. Don't blame me if you need therapy.

http://amebatv.com/blog/?portfolio=spend-time-with-dnoddy-oh

I'm off to D'Noddy Oh, whatever that means.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

a dot for every occasion

2012-01-09T12:25:00.002-05:00

DOTS are the greatest candy ever. How do I know that? I eat them. THAT is how I know. Somebody harnessed the sweet taste of heaven and put it into a small chewy “dot” for humans to enjoy.

A mysterious person named “Tootsie Roll” keeps making them in a magical land called “Chicago.”

I know those words are strange, but I promise I didn't make them up. Nobody has ever seen this “Tootsie Roll” or been to this “Chicago” place, but I know they are real because DOTS keep coming to the store.

AND we are currently in a DOTS Enlightenment!

I got Valentine’s Day DOTS! Did you know they had those?! THEY DO!

There’s, like, a DOT for every holiday!

I mean, Original DOTS are great. Tropical DOTS are good on the beach. But what about when you want to celebrate Halloween?

Ghost DOTS and Bat DOTS!

They also have Christmas DOTS and Easter DOTS AND these Valentine DOTS that are red and pink and DELICIOUS!

So if you want to give something special to that person you love this Valentine’s Day, forget the diamonds and the gold and cash gifts. Show them you REALLY care with DOTS!

Any other gift says, “You’re kinda okay, but I don’t love you enough to get you DOTS.”

It’s true. You might as well write that in the card if you don’t get them DOTS. I think there is a “I didn't get you DOTS for Valentine’s Day” section in the card store. It’s next to the “Sympathy” section.

I’m off to get some DOTS and sympathy.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

ok...what was that word again????????

2012-01-06T12:44:00.000-05:00

According to otohir...no...otorhini...wait, I'll get it...otorhinolaryngologists (GOT IT!) you should not pluck your nose hairs.

I never even knew that there were otorhiblahblahblahgists out there! I have NEVER heard that word before! And if I never heard of it, I prefer it to not exist.

So, how can I REALLY know that these otorwhatevers DO exist? Hmmm...

I will say they don't. That means I can pluck all the nose hairs I want!

But I won't. Because that will hurt.

And my sicnapologogogolist told me not to. Oh, you don't have one of those? You should get one. They're great. They live in mountains that move on clouds on the planet Portusga. If you go there, ask for Dr. Uypbosjjjjjjjslkf.

Sounds made up? Really? This from the person who claims to have a otorhinolaryngologist!

Pffft.

Pluck whatever you want. If plucking is good enough for chickens, then it's good enough for me.

Did you know that a chicken worried about its beak will go to a falpinogosnopogist? True story. No really, it is. I've been to one. I was once a chicken. With a sick beak. I had to go.

Now I'm a human and I go see REAL doctors. Because that's how I roll.

I'm off to check my beak.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

first sharks now this?!

2012-01-05T12:57:00.001-05:00

Oh no. This is bad. I know zombies are totally hip right now, but this is just scary.

Zombie Bees.

Affectionately called "zombees" by apiarists.

Unaffectionately called "ZOMBIE BEES ARE TRYING TO KILL ME" by everybody else.

It's like "The Walking Dead" if it became "The Fly-And-Sting-You-And-Lure-You-Into-A-False-Sense-Of-Security-With-Their-Sweet-Nectar Dead."

I love honey. I eat it every day. I also use it as a face wash. Should I worry about becoming a zombie?

Will I become a BEE?! WILL I BECOME A MUTANT HUMAN/BEE/ZOMBIE HYBRID LIKE THE HYBRID SHARKS?!?!

These are all questions that one must ask oneself when that self enjoys honey made by not yourself!

These are also questions that one must ask oneself when oneself doesn't know what that self should write about when blogging about that self's love of honey.

OH! You know what else is good? Honey peanut butter.

Oh no...my peanut butter could make me a zombie too!

Eh...it's worth it. Honey peanut butter is really good. Good enough to go zombie for.

I'm off to zombee.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

hybrid sharks are only the beginning

2012-01-03T13:12:00.000-05:00

Hybrid sharks have been found in Australia! The "official" story is that some sharks who like cold water have mated with sharks who like warm water. Because of climate change, the water is getting warmer everywhere, so they are creating mutant sharks that can live in medium-temperature water!

Once sharks learn how to swim in medium temperatures, you KNOW what comes next! Sharks who walk on land and wear razor-tipped bowler hats and have fins that shoot fire!

Hopefully the next stage of human evolution makes us razor-proof. And maybe we can shoot fire-extinguisher stuffs from our fingers.

Let's hope other animals don't learn how to live in comfortable temperatures. I mean, what will happen if polar bears learn how to live in 70-degree weather?

That's right! Telekinesis!

They might already be here. You never know. The person next to you RIGHT NOW could be a polar bear. I hear they shave themselves to blend in.

Make some seal noises. If they start to look hungry...RUN!

I would suggest making seal noises around everybody you see today. Just to be safe.

And please tell me where you will be doing this. I would like to watch. For scientific and safety reasons.

Not to laugh. I swear.

I'm off to watch you act sealy.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

words of the year

2011-12-29T13:11:00.001-05:00

There are a lot of lists coming out, but only ONE that has words! (A selection of) The Top 10 Words of 2011!

Number 1 is "Occupy."

As in, "Would you like some pie?"

"No, but I would like to occupy."

"That's an awful joke. And not very tasty. Like pie. Which is tasty. Unless "occu" is some sort of combination of strawberry and rhubarb. If it is not, then please be quiet and let me enjoy my pie or you might be punched in the occugut."

Wow...that got violent fast. Some people just don't appreciate a good joke.

Another word on the list is "3Q." Which is "text-speak" for "Thank You." Cuz 3Q kinda, vaguely sounds like "thank you" in a round-a-bout-maybe-you're-a-little-drunk-with-a-mouth-full-of-marshmallows sort of way.

You know, like when you text "2B." That easily sounds like, "What are you doing on this fine day?"

And finally, my favorite, Kummerspeck. It's German. It means you gained weight from emotional overeating. Here's why I like it: It LITERALLY means "grief bacon." Which sounds like a great band name. It's also fun to say. And easily texted as "6T."

My word of the year, which is not on the list, is "Widdershins."

I know it sounds like a British tv show for toddlers, but it really means "counterclockwise."

It will also be my new nickname. Because it's fun to say. And textable as "8U."

I'm off to widdershins around.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj (widdershins) (8U)

that there's a space harpoon. arrrrrr

2011-12-27T12:35:00.001-05:00

Hold onto your peglegs, space pirates! The space harpoon is coming soon!

Do you find yourself flying through space trying to catch a giant comet but failing constantly? The great minds at NASA are working to bring you the future...TODAY!

I always have a problem chasing comets. They go fast and they are hard to land on. And using a Rapala Jointed Shad 05 Lure just gets me striped bass. I don't want them, so I throw them back. Into space.

But now, with a harpoon? BOOOOOOOM! You got that comet!

I once used a harpoon to catch a rogue mountain. It was crushing ancient cities and stuff. But I caught it and it is now stuffed and mounted.

Yeah, it's a mounted mountain. (Taxidermists love that joke)

Now that NASA is looking for a few good harpoonists, I'm pretty sure they will call me up. Since I do hunt in space. And I also know how to harpoon things.

I'm also pretty good at bird calls. NASA is big on ornithology audio. (Try saying that 100 times fast!)

I think I'll actually call NASA right now to tell them that I'm ready for the job. Using bird calls.

I'm off to practice my bluethroat thrush.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

christmas letter 2011

2011-12-23T08:17:00.000-05:00

What a year! I mean, really. What a YEAR!

It started simple enough. I was asked to help with some cloud farming. I spent 8 years in Laos farming clouds, so I'm kind of an expert. My friend, Damian, the sky narwhal, runs a fantastic cloud farm. You know those puffy clouds that reflect the sunset perfectly? Those are his.

So, Damian and I worked on that for a few months. Then, out of NOWHERE, we got attacked! I know! Who would attack a cloud farmer and his expert pal?

Halibots. Yes, halibut robots. That can shoot daggers made out of ice.

Damian and I fought these things for what seemed like hours. Luckily, I spent 5 years learning how to use farming tools as ninja weapons in Siberia. So, I'm kind of an expert. And kind of deadly with a huller.

Turns out Damian has a "history" with these guys. And it's not pretty. Before his peaceful clouding days, he was a secret agent for MI-6. And not the nice "James Bondy" kind.

This wasn't an isolated incident, either. Turns out there were hundreds of attacks on cloud farmers everywhere. This is part of the reason we had such crazy weather this year.

Determined to help my friend, we spent months finding out who was behind these attacks. We knew we couldn't do it alone, so we called up Oscar, our Peruvian tech/pancake guy. He comes in handy.

After months of confronting everyone from a guy named Gus in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin to a giant robot frog, our journey came to an end.

It was Atnas. Again. Santa's evil doppelganger. He wanted to ruin Christmas! By tampering with the clouds! I KNOW! That's so evil! And possibly so raven!

This time, we weren't going to let Atnas get away. So, we borrowed a time-hole that went back to before the universe was created and decided to trap Atnas outside of time and space. I spent...some amount of time...somewhere...working outside of time and space, so I'm kind of an expert.

Luckily, Atnas has a weakness for pancakes. Told you he would come in handy.

We threw some maple-syruped pancakes on his face and tossed him out of time.

And Christmas was saved. At least, we hope it is. That was two weeks ago. Gus escaped. And trust me, Gus could still cause problems. Hopefully that won't be until next year...

I'm off to take break from farming.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

baking bubbles of flatness

2011-12-21T12:42:00.001-05:00

As stated yesterday, I'm trying to bake cookies. Not only did I see a lot of sugar, I ALSO found out that there is a power and a soda for baking.

And you really have to READ your ingredients. I made cookies with baking soda and they needed baking powder. They were flat blobs of bubbling browness!

I tried one. They were still sugary, but not super yummy. About half-yummy. Just "yum" with no "my." That's kinda 3/5 yummy.

I may have also misread the amount of flour needed. So...that pile of dough was pretty doomed. Possibly even medically doomed. Like Dr. Doom...ed. The Fantastic Flour...er...Four...destroyed it. (That's a cooking joke. Chefs love it.)

So I went back to the store to get some replacement ingredients. After staring at the butter for a few hours, I found baking POWDER. Aluminium Free! I like to say "aluminium" instead of "aluminum" because it's the british way to say it...and it's more fun. But it's the same thing. And I want neither in my cookies. Are there people who DO want aluminium in their cookies?! Why?! So you can say that you eat metal?!

Oh...that is pretty cool. And Robot Santa likes that. Because Robot Santa eats metal. So metal cookies are perfect for him. Or so I've heard.

He says, "Ho Ho Ro-Bot!" He's awesome.

I'm off to eat metal.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

going to louisiana to purchase sugar

2011-12-20T16:48:00.000-05:00

Happy Louisiana Purchase Day! We celebrate this day because Napoleon, without his lucrative sugar business, had no use for Louisiana.

I have no idea why the two are connected, but I never took World Economics of 1803 in college. It was offered. And I heard it was historical and fantastical, but I decided to take World Literature Before 1600.

That was a lot of reading. And nothing about sugar.

Sugar is good. Did you know how much sugar is in cookies?! I mean, I knew they had sugar. But it's a LOT! I decided to try baking cookies from scratch and they just casually tell you to put cup after cup after cup of sugar in there!

I love it! Napoleon would have been rich with all the sugar I was using!

It's actually quite tempting when you have a bowl of sugar and butter in front of you. It's probably the best breakfast ever. I did not taste it. But I wanted to.

I bet Napoleon ate that for breakfast when he sold Louisiana.

I once wrote a song about the Tennessee Valley Authority. Maybe I should write one about the Louisiana Purchase.

It's easier to rhyme words with Authority than Purchase, though.

"I went to Napoleon to make a purchase,

He said it was a perfect...murchase...burchase?"

I got nothing.

Maybe I should rhyme with sugar.

Like...BOOGER!

I like it!

I'm off to write a new song!

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

just put some chocolate on it and call it a day

2011-12-16T13:27:00.001-05:00

Turns out today is "National Cover Anything With Chocolate Day." They used to make cards for this holiday, but people would just cover them with chocolate and nobody could read them.

So they stopped.

Now they just make chocolate. For the covering of things. Any things.

What would YOU cover in chocolate? You could cover anything and EVERYTHING! Why not?!

Need a book cover for school? Use chocolate!

Need a cover band? How about chocolate!

Cover letter for a job? CHOCOLATE!

Need to go UNDER COVER?! UNDER CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!

Look at all the covers that exist for chocolating!

What better way to get the weekend started off right?!

Cover it! With chocolate!

And it's more fun to sing it like 2 In A Room's "Wiggle It (Just A Little Bit)!"

(singing) Cover it...with some chocolate!

I'm off to 1990.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

sharkbanana is brilliant

2011-12-15T21:07:00.002-05:00

I love this item. Sharkbanana is a plush toy that has a shark coming out of a half-peeled banana. AND HE'S WHOLE-PEELED CUTE!

You can find it on Amazon. It's filled with fake reviews from people who also love sharkbanana. But they are great.

I mean, who wouldn't want to start their day peeling a banana and FINDING A SHARK INSIDE!

How awesome would that be?!

It's everything you could possibly want in a plush toy. If I still slept with stuffed animals (I do), then I would totally want one of these to snuggle with at night.

It's a beautiful marriage of two worlds. High atop the trees and deep below the ocean. It's really the surf & turf of plushies.

I am often called the surf & turf of HVAC, but this isn't about me. This is about sharkbanana. And I don't hold a candle to plushies.

I really don't. They might catch on fire. Unless they are flame retardant. Which I hear can be done with mountain dew.

So, if you're looking for something for that banana-eating, shark-loving person in your life (like me), then make sure you find a sharkbanana.

I'm off to surf and possibly turf.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

fly from any part of your body

2011-12-14T19:32:00.000-05:00

Have you ever put on your socks and thought, "Wow...these are lame socks. Sure they have fancy designs. Sure they are argylicious. Sure they have little robots on them. But where's the zing? Where's the zang? Where's the cape?"

Of course you've thought this! And that is why you can now buy socks with CAPES! That's right! The back of the sock has a cape sewn onto it so you can now have the pizzazz you need to make your socks SUPER!

Why aren't there more clothing items with capes? I mean, really, why can't I have some pants...WITH CAPES! It would go just below the cape from your shirt...with a cape.

And what about mittens! Mittens with capes would be PERFECT!

I already have a few capes to wear. And they are super. But imagine how much MORE supererer I would be if my socks and mittens and pants and shoes had capes!

That's, like, super times a MILLION! Plus THREE!

That is the kind of super I want to be.

And you do to. So buy socks with capes. You won't regret it.

Wear them with shorts, too. That would be totally awesome.

I'm off to find my zing and zang.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

how to throw a tailgate party

2011-12-12T16:57:00.000-05:00

I can honestly say that I've never been to a tailgate party. I think that requires you to go to a sports-related event game. I don't know where they even HAVE sports things. Probably some big building somewhere with lights.

And even if I found one of these mythical sports arenas, I probably wouldn't be invited to a tailgate party. I'm not very fun at parties. I'm too busy reading comic books.

But! This weekend, I learned how to throw a tailgate party! It was in an advertisement I saw in a magazine! Here is what I learned from the picture so you can do it properly.

First you have to buy a "mobile power outlet." Which is like a car battery with plug holes. So you can get power to your TV. And blender.

And THAT is item number TWO for a successful tailgate party! A blender! The three people in the ad were all drinking bottles of something, but just in case they wanted to blend anything, they had one ready!

Also needed is organic ketchup. Yep! It HAS to be organic. There was no brand label, but it was definitely a ketchup bottle. And all it said on the sticker was "organic."

Finally, you need "Curly Waves." Again, this was a bag of something with no label EXCEPT the words "curly waves." I have NO idea what a curly wave is, BUT I WANT ONE! Or maybe MORE than one!

I mean, really, would you go to a tailgate party without curly waves?! NO! And you shouldn't! That's like going to a ballet with no tights. Or a beach with no water. Or a nuclear reactor with no plutonium. It's just silliness!

And that is how you throw a tailgate party. Curly waves, tights, and plutonium.

I'm off to watch an event game of sportinessness.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

you can send your list to santa, i mail it here

2011-12-09T17:24:00.000-05:00

When you save the world for a living, there's only one place to go. The Brooklyn Super Hero Supply Co. Online at superherosupplies.com

I don't normally promote websites, but this is a matter of life or death. One day you will have to save the world and this is the place to get your gear.

Troubled by stray lasers? Get some Deflector Bracelets.

Need to be on the offensive? Go for a Photon Shooter

Have an evil lair underwater? Get some Cybernetic Henchfish!

Traveling off-world? You might want to buy a gallon of gravity.

Of course, they have capes for all occasions, as well.

See, those of us who tend to hero superly need a constant supply of...well...supplies. Not all of us can see invisible people without the special goggles. And we don't all come from mythical islands where invisible planes are mass produced.

So, Santa, until you can get those elves to start making matter and/or anti-matter, you won't be hearing from me. No worries about wasting space on that "naughty" or "nice" list. I'm good at staying on the "hero" list and OFF the "villain" list.

But Santa, maybe you should look into a cape. They have red. But I wouldn't put an "S" on it. It's already be done.

I'm off to save the world.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

that's an expensive bedazzling

2011-12-08T18:55:00.000-05:00

A designer in India has created a line of shirts that start at just $974! They are so cheap because they are encrusted with jewels and diamonds and gold.

He says that they are perfect to wear every day. But really, would you want to wear a shirt worth that much every day? What if a jewel fell off? You just lost $50!

Here's my solution. BeDazzler. Cheap AND beautiful.

Like they say, "don't be dull, BeDazzle!"

And really, that's basically my mantra for life. I say it every morning when I look in my bedazzled mirror.

Even yesterday after dropping a knife on my foot (or possibly the knife was thrown onto my foot by a ninja cow, I'm not sure), I thought, "I wish that was a dull knife. Then my foot wouldn't hurt as much."

But IMMEDIATELY after, I shouted, "NO! No knife! You should never be dull! Be Dazzle!"

My knife then got washed and I cleaned up the blood.

That's the exciting life of a bedazzled man.

The limping, shimmering life that only costs $19.95.

I'm off to dazzle.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

and we just got the flash back

2011-12-06T17:26:00.000-05:00

Scientists have just found Earth 2! This is good and bad. As you know, during the Crisis, the Flash lost his life saving the multiverse. And he JUST got back to the land of the living WITHOUT any other Earths to threaten his life!

Oh well...it was nice to see you again Flash. Even if it was short.

The planet is currently called Kepler 22b and is a comfortable 72 degrees Fahrenheit.

Named "Kepler" after the scientist Dr. Kepler who is known for his ability to choose very comfortable vacation spots.

I once found a planet very similar to Earth. Actually, identical to Earth. I call it Earth. Because it is Earth. The planet you are standing on. Nobody else ever actually said they "found" Earth, so I decided to take the credit.

Since I found Earth, I would like to become the CEO of Earth. I don't know what a CEO does or what it stands for, but it now means Chairmen Everything Of. Which, if you were talking to Yoda, would translate into the Chairman Of Everything.

Since that is COE, maybe I'll just change the letters around since Yoda isn't here to translate. And I am the founder, so I can do those things.

I can also swing on vines.

Just one of the many talents bestowed upon the finder of Earths.

OH! And I saw a caterpillar yesterday. That was cool.

I'm off to find Earths 3-52.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

don't sun, don't sun so, don't sun so close to me

2011-12-05T18:39:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed how bright the sun is in the winter?! It, like, burns my eyes!

Usually I can look at the sun for a few minutes before anything starts hurting. But in the winter? It only takes a few seconds before that pain the back of my skull becomes unbearable! Like, super burnicious.

BUT! A very large man with gold teeth once told me that pain builds character and puts hair on my chest. I'm not sure what it means to build character, but I hope I have that. Because I do not have much of the hair. Maybe more pain will help.

It turns out that the sun is so close to the earth in the winter that you cannot look at it. It's about 5,000,000 km closer! THAT IS SO CLOSE!

That's almost as close as the moon! I'm surprised we all don't bump into each other. But we're lucky we don't. That might hurt.

Oh...these guys who call themselves "lawyers" are yelling at me. They're saying something about not looking at the sun. I guess it's dangerous and kids shouldn't try it. There's this nasty side-effect of not being able to see anymore.

I don't know what "lawyers" know about sunology, but I guess they have to study it to get their lawyer degrees. Maybe it has to do with passing the bar. I don't know what that is exactly, but I DO know it has nothing to do with a relay race. That was a hard lesson to learn.

I'm off to wear my sunglasses at day. (it's nice to come full circle with the 80's music references)

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

let me eat my house, thanks

2011-12-02T15:40:00.000-05:00

Some place made a gingerbread house. Like, a real house. Out of gingerbread. The Great Wolf Lodge decided to make a 10x12 foot house out of gingerbread that fits 6 people around a table.

So, you can have dinner in a gingerbread house.

If possible, I would like to build a house, a car and a pyramid out of gingerbread.

Hopefully a witch won't kick me out while looking for Hansel and Gretel. Wait...so this old lady who eats kids lives in a gingerbread house, right?

Then, for some reason, we decide to celebrate the gingerbread house by making them around christmas.

So...uh...what are we celebrating again? Am I the only one who sees this?!

Forget it! I'm not going to make a gingerbread house EVER! Do you know why? Because I think children should eat, not be eaten! That's why!

You can build all the ginger breaded houses you want, but don't expect me to eat your shrine to the kid-cooking witch!

I will destroy your gingerbread house into smaller pieces and THEN eat it. Because that's the kind of decent human being I am!

No witch ever lived in a gingerbread wall. Or a gum drop bush. Or a candy cane support beam. NOPE! I only eat the shattered pieces of a witch's life.

And you should too.

I'm off to destroy some gingerbread.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

free trees are outside!

2011-11-30T19:17:00.001-05:00

So I went for a run yesterday. And during my run, not one, but TWO people got free tree parts! I know! There are trees everywhere! They just sit there! No price tags or anything!

I ran in the woods and found a small "tree" on the ground. It's part of the pine tree family. I don't know exactly what kind it is, but I'm calling it an awesome fir.

It was a dangerous trip. Not one, not two, but THREE dogs barked at me while I was outside! That's, like, dangerous! One of the dogs was even on a leash! Scary!

But! I also saw some guy pulling a branch off a tree! Not a connected branch. One that broke off and was just hanging there. He ALSO sees that free tree-stuffs are everywhere!

We are smart shoppers.

I brought my 7-inches of awesome fir home and put it in a pot with some potting soil. I also bought some Miracle Gro sticks to put into it. I hope that keeps it alive. I put all 20 in there, so that should help.

I will decorate it with star wars ornaments, popcorn and lights.

I will put it on a high shelf so Santa can pile presents up under it. Because that is still technically under the tree!

I'm off to decorate my branch.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

it's been six months since my last post session

2011-11-29T17:41:00.001-05:00

I just thought you should know that. It has nothing to do with anything. Life just happens. Like, really happens. No, I don't think you get it. REALLY happens. Like...life...you know?

Yeah. You get it. I knew you would. You're so smart. Smarter than the smartest smart-smart ever. Smarter than a smart car. Which is pretty smart in most countries.

Except Uruguay. And Utah. Whether or not those are countries, I do not know. Whether or not they should be considered countries, I do know. They should. That makes me sounds smart. Like a car.

So, with no real transition into my original topic, I saw a christmas peacock! And I'm not talking about the Ellen Page movie or the Katy Perry song.

Nope. A christmas peacock that just likes to light up at night for the holidays!

Actually, I don't know if it was for christmas or one of the other winter solstice holidays, but it WAS a peacock!

First of all, I think it's adorable that peacock babies are called "peachicks." And second of all, I like plumage. Not only is it fun to say, but fun to have!

And THIRD of all, plumage is especially awesome when it has lights on it!

Don't worry, the holiday peacock is not feral like the ones in Miami. This peacock brings presents to good little peachicks. Like ninjas swords and airhogs and lego bricks in the shape of a death star.

You know, the usual stuff that peachicks ask peasanta for.

And I know you know that because you're so smart! Remember? I said it earlier. Did you forget that part already? That's understandable. I get distracted by plumage, too.

Especially the light up kind!

I'm off to decorate my peacock.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

the toast don't fit in the slot

2011-05-23T15:09:00.001-04:00

Why would they make bread too big for a toaster?! Who does that?!

I forgot my lunch. Again. And again, had to steal bread. Luckily, this bread was NOT old. Unluckily, it was really wide.

So, in order to toast all angles of the bread, I let it roast for a while, popped it up, flipped it, then let it roast-a-toast again!

It was a challenge, but I had toast, so I was happy.

It was also pumpernickel. I don't know if I ever had pumpernickel bread before, but it was good. Also, it is fun to say. Pumpernickel!

I am currently not as hungry as I was before the pumpernickel. That is good because I have to get a new license picture. Thaaaaaaat's a story that, legally, I probably shouldn't share.

I'm off to pumpernickel.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

giant ants can lift fifty million times their own weight

2011-05-20T13:39:00.000-04:00

That is NOT scientific fact. But that's only because it hasn't been tested yet.

"Monstrously big ants" were found in Wyoming! By "monstrously big" we mean about 2 inches. But they can lift 50 inches times their own weight. I don't know what the volume of that is, but I think it's big.

You might think that a 2-inch ant isn't too scary. How would you feel if you saw a mosquito that size! THAT would scare the pants off me! I may or may not have been wearing pants at the time of the scare, but if I DID have pants on, they would not be there for long!

Imagine a war between giant ants and giant mosquitoes. That would be cool. I picture ants having some heavy artillery. That might only be me remembering those Army Ants toys. Still, big guns that they could lift since they are so strong.

But the mosquitoes MIGHT have a good shot with their giant blood-sucking nose thing. That would be HUGE! And probably kinda deadly!

In my head, I totally see this fight happening. It is awesome. It's too bad you can't watch it, too. OH! DID YOU SEE THAT! OUCH!

Oh yeah...you can't see it. Boy, are you missing a good time in my head.

I'm off to watch the battle.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

sweaty and sober is no way to go through life

2011-05-18T13:03:00.000-04:00

And that is why you can buy a popsicle made out of vodka. Granted, it's $500 vodka, but it's frozen!

ALSO! If you are a big spender, you can get it with gold flakes inside for $1000!

You know what's great?! Frozen orange juice. I like the Minute Maid Kids brand. It has a smiley face on the carton.

I used to freeze Kool-Aid, too. But that got a little too expensive for me, so I don't do that anymore.

Frozen gold flakes, though? TOTALLY AWESOME! They're kind of like Frosted Flakes, but golder and with more crunch. It's the perfect breakfast to have when you want to impress a robber baron from 1929.

Robber Baron: "Tally Ho, my good friend! Are those Frozen Gold Flakes you are eating?"

You: "They are! *CRUNCH*

Robber Baron: "I'm impressed! But don't they hurt your gums like the dickens?"

You: "They do! *CRUNCH*

Robber Baron: "Bully!"

And that is why people were so prosperous in 1929. Those were glorious times.

I'm off to freeze some O.J.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

when you wish upon a squid or twinkle twinkle little squid

2011-05-16T16:11:00.000-04:00

Wanna go to space?! Be a squid! A bobtail squid, to be more precise. Euprymna scolopes to be even morer preciser.

The Endeavour just went into space and it brought a squid along for the ride! The first cephalopod in space, in fact! They want to test the "effects of microgravity on beneficial bacteria." See, the bobtail squid has a symbiotic relationship with a bacteria...bacterium?...stuff that glows! Now they want to find out what happens to that stuff in space!

Symbiotic relationships can be tough. Just ask Spider-Man when he had the Venom suit. Actually, don't ask him. He might not want to get into it. If you do, don't tell him I told you to ask him. I want no part of that!

So this squid is now in space and the spacemen will do some tests on the little guy and then...I don't know. I guess release him into space? That could be bad, though! He could get hit with gamma radiation and turn into a giant squid and have to fight a whale for the control of the milky way galaxy!

Yeah, that joke will only be funny to a few people who like TMBG, but it's worth it to make those 3 people laugh. Giant squid is a palindrome of diuqstnaig. Okay, technically that's not a palindrome, but I like that song and that's the only thing I could think of.

Still, the thought of a giant squid fighting a whale in space would be cool. If only a bowl of petunias could join them. That would make for a pretty picture. It also makes another obscure reference that nobody will laugh at.

Two ducks were in a bathtub. One duck says, "Pass the soap." The other duck says, "No soap, radio!"

HA!

Now THAT'S funny!

I'm off to test microgravity on my shirts.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

love the skin you're in

2011-05-12T13:15:00.000-04:00

My arm has gotten pretty torn up lately. I've been wearing bandages to help it heal. And guess what? IT'S HEALING!

Skin is crazy, right?! It just starts connecting back together! How cool is that?!

Scientists should really study this stuff. I'm pretty sure skin is an interesting thing. I don't know why they haven't figured out what it's used for.

It's also waterproof. I see water just roll off my arm when it's raining. That's pretty cool.

Skin is probably tied for second on my top 9 organs list.

That's all. I just wanted to make sure you knew about skin. If you never noticed it before, take a look. It's neat.

I'm off to check my skin.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

wash your nose

2011-05-11T15:59:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been washing your face and stuck your finger up your nose? IT HURTS! I guess I wash my face to vigorously. But now my nose is clean. That's a first.

OH! Did you see that there is a movie about cowboys fighting aliens?! And there is going to be ANOTHER movie coming out with dinosaurs fighting aliens!

Now my world would be complete if we could get dinosaurs vs. aliens vs. cowboys vs. ninjas vs. robots!

THAT is a movie that I would see! Put that in 3-D and you have a HIT!

Give everybody lasers and swords and stuff! Especially the dinosaurs. I want them to win the fight. Mostly because they look cool when they have swords and lasers.

But partly because dinosaurs are HUGE AND WILL RULE THE WORLD! And build GIANT NINJA-ROBOT-DINOSAURS!

That is all.

I'm off to wash my face...if my dinosaur overlords allow it.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

thor uses a hammer

2011-05-09T15:10:00.001-04:00

So I saw Thor yesterday. I HAD to. It's in 3-D. And it has Thor.

It could have used some more action and fighting and Thor-hammer stuff, but it was good.

Thor's hammer is cool. Mjolnir. It's, like, a Norse word or something. I don't know how to say it.

I would like a hammer than I can throw at giant metal monsters. And have it return to me. And help me to fly.

I currently only have a hammer that injures me when I try to hit nails. And when I threw it at a frost giant, he laughed and ate it.

I won't say how I got the hammer back, but whatever, it still works.

And by works, I mean it still hurts me when I try to hammer things.

TO ME MJOLNIR!

...still nothing. I keep yelling that hoping it will come. So far a paper clip, a cassette tape and some windshield washer fluid have flown to me. No magical hammers.

Eh...I need all those things, so it's not that bad.

I'm off to MJOLNIR!

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

let's talk about bread, bay-be

2011-05-04T12:40:00.002-04:00

I had some old bread yesterday. (Why do I talk about the least exciting things ever? I don't know.) It was best before Feb. 27. After? Eh...not the best, but okay.

I HEAR that fridge-bread lasts longer. Is two months TOO much longer? According to the bread's owner, from whom I stole the bread, it IS okay. I also found out it is NOT okay to steal bread from her again. Because she has a heavy shoe that is good for throwing. And hitting me.

Did you have a bread drawer? Like, the metal drawer with a slidey cover? What's the point of those? Don't they have holes? Wouldn't the bread just dry out?

I like banana bread. I would like to try other fruit breads. They are moist.

OH! Happy Unofficial Star Wars Day! "May The Fourth Be With You!" There was a big announcement today. They made it complicated to find out what was going on, but it's just a 9-disc blu ray thing.

I don't have blu ray. I'll stick with bread ray. That I buy and not steal from large-footed women.

I'm off to get fresh bread.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

you can still get that typewriter you've always wanted

2011-05-03T12:51:00.000-04:00

Now, I have to be honest, I once saw a typewriter at the store for a few dollars and regret not buying it. I mean, it's a typewriter! Why wouldn't I want that?!

One BIG reason NOT to get a typewriter is that they are basically useless. You can't save anything. Or delete. Or, well, most stuff that a computer does for you.

There was a story last week about typewriters not being made anymore. THAT IS FALSE! It seems they ARE still being made. Why? I don't know. They just are. Because there are people who, like me, think it would be neat to have one sitting on a shelf getting dusty.

It makes us feel like we'll write that novel someday. On a typewriter. Because that would be cool.

Full of typos, but cool.

I wrote a novel once. I mean, I call it a novel, but some people call it a notebook full of squiggly lines.

To those people, I say, "Learn my language!"

They usually respond by hitting me and stealing my milk money.

The joke is on them, though, because my milk money can only be used in three countries. And the United States ain't one of them!

Good luck finding milk in Oman!

I'm off to get more Rials.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

mark point bang

2011-04-29T13:19:00.000-04:00

In my studies of worldly languages, I come across the exclamation point a lot. You've seen it. ! Right there. Did you miss it? Here it is again.

!

Cool, right? YES IT IS! Because it makes me shout more!

Since I am a scholar in punctuation marks, I learned that the exclamation point is also called an "exclamation mark" and a "bang."

Yep. You end it with a bang!

Did you know that? Have you ever heard it called that? I never have.

Did you also know that some royal wedding happened today? It was pretty much everywhere in the news. I thought the prince would have to slay a dragon, but I guess they don't do that anymore.

Which is good because not all dragons are bad. Only some should be slayed. Or slain. Slained?

Gotten ridded of...ed...ain...

Anyway, dragons are cool. I wish there was a dragon in the royal wedding. There were horses. Maybe one of them was actually a dragon in disguise.

Yeah, I'll go with that.

I'm off to !!!!!!!!!!!.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

breakfast disco party

2011-04-28T16:57:00.000-04:00

So there is a breakfast disco after the royal wedding?!

At first I thought they were lame with all their boring wedding stuffs, but this could change my mind!

At least, the sister-in-law could. Pippa! Middleton (legally, there is no exclamation point after her name, but I like it there) planned a "Breakfast Disco" after the wedding.

With disco balls! And ice cream! Two of my 23 favorite disco things!

Pippa! sounds pretty awesome. WAY more awesomer than the actual royal family people.

And she has a cool name. PIPPA!

Sadly, I will not be at the breakfast disco. I WILL have breakfast, though.

Maybe some apples. Perhaps a bit of toast. Stuff like that. Nothing flashy.

PIPPA!

I'm off to pippa.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

hi ate us and seven eight nine

2011-04-26T16:26:00.000-04:00

After two people wondered where my blog went, I decided to come back to it.

Will it be better than ever?!

Prolly not.

Will it be bigger than ever?!

Nah.

Will it be "The All New, All Different" blog?!

Sorta, I guess. And that joke only makes sense to people who read X-Men comics in the early 90s. That joke is for you!

I took a hiatus to get approval from the Food and Drug Administration. The blog now contains 100% of your daily Vitamin G! (FDA approval pending)

For Good Golly That's GOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

It's almost as useful as Vitamin K. Except when it's not. Which is most of the time.

Why don't they sell pre-hard-boiled eggs? That would be handy. Especially for decorating.

Eggs do have Vitamin K. But NO Vitamin G. You can only get that here. (FDA approval pending)

I'm off to make more jokes that nobody will get.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

you can pay for it if you want the money

2011-04-14T16:51:00.000-04:00

Why do we have to pay the postage for taxes? If it's something that the government FORCES you to do, they should have free shipping for taxes! Like Amazon!

And not only that, but that census I get in the mail every year, too. I shouldn't have to fill it out AND pay for a stamp! THAT is a lot of work!

I do it because it is my civic duty, though, and if there is anything I learned from reading comic books, it's that civic duty is the only thing non-super-powered people can do. It's kind of like saving the world from a sun eater.

Okay, so police and fire people do some stuff that is heroicy, but you get my point.

Fine, you're right, Batman doesn't have any super powers, but he's rich. So...RICH people could do stuff, too.

The point is...well...I don't remember what the point is. I DO know that I'm going through "bag drama" as I try to figure out which messenger bag I want to carry.

It's very trying on my soul.

And that makes it hard to remember to buy stamps to send things to the government.

THAT is the point.

I'm off to change my bag.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

we're gonna put you in a can and surround you with rockets to see what happens

2011-04-12T16:51:00.000-04:00

It's the 50th anniversary of the first man in space! Yuri Gagarin decided to throw caution to the wind and take the trip. Actually, he probably took caution, stepped on it, set it on fire, hit it with a hammer, ran a tank over it, and then threw it to the wind.

They put this guy in a small metal craft and shot him into space. And he was all for it! Who does that?! He didn't even have control over the ship! The guys on Earth did!

So what if that stopped working? He just had to "hope" that he wouldn't hit anything. Like Mars. Or Australia. Or Green Lantern.

Nobody even had any reason to go to space. They just hadn't been there before, so why not?

I've never been in a paper clip factory, but I'm not gonna just go there because nobody else has. With giant rockets attached to me. That might blow up.

Yuri went into space for 98 minutes. And thanks to his crazy boldness, we have GPS and Astronaut Ice Cream. Two of my 17 favorite things.

Everything tastes better when it is freeze-dried. And when I can find it.

I'm off to cryodesiccate.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

shut down until further notice

2011-04-08T13:49:00.001-04:00

Can a government just shut down? Like, really? I know it's happened in the past, but it still seems wrong. How does a government give itself the option to shut down?! Who's idea was that?!

Probably Roger Sherman. He signed any paper that came his way. Which is weird because he hated paper money.

Sherman. Pfft.

So, thanks to Sherman (possibly historically inaccurate), we have a government that can just shut down. The place that governs MILLIONS OF PEOPLE: closed.

Is that a good idea? I mean, if I got a day off for some silly disagreement, I would totally NOT come back!

I'd lock my door and say, "See ya later, legislative losers! I'm going to the beach! I'll sign a bill of relaxation and sand castles!"

Then I would make a sand castle with cannons and a princess and a mighty steed. And a prince would come from the ocean and marry the princess and they would rule over the land of Sandurbia. With their mighty steed. PLUS, their government would never shut down. Because they know that the sand people need them to work so their national parks don't close.

And so they can get their tax refunds. Which may not happen for me since I left it to the last minute. And I don't know how to do it online.

That's really why I love Sandurbia's government. And sand castles. And mighty steeds.

I'm off to run a small, sandy country.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

do you have the time for a rhyme?

2011-04-07T16:43:00.000-04:00

It's National Poetry Month! And according to the American Society of Poets, or ASP, you have to say at least one rhyme a day for the month of April. It's true. If you don't, they will send poet ninjas after you. And you can never see their rhymes coming.

You: "Oh, I didn't rhyme today. Eh...who's gonna notice."

Ninja: "You think we don't know? That you didn't show the flow? We move with nary a rustle. Except at the disco when we hustle."

You: "Oh no. I gotta think of something! The Poet Ninjas are coming!"

Ninja: "Our swords shimmer like the sun. With one swipe, you are done. Better think of something very fast. Or this next breath might be your last."

You: "Um! Uh! I met a monkey! He was funky!"

Ninja: "Cool. We'll take it. Good job. We out."

You: "Phew..."

Ninjas are cool. But rhyming ninjas are cooler. It's a historical fact. Look it up. There's, like, a whole section of it in McCullough's "The Taiheiki: A Chronicle of Medieval Japan."

Don't actually look it up, though.

I'm off to do a rhyme or two.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

how do you browse without a browser?

2011-04-05T17:14:00.000-04:00

When you get a computer, it usually has a browser on it, right? What if they didn't give that to you? What if Internet Explorer did NOT come standard on a Windows computer?

How would you get Firefox or Chrome?

I always feel kinda naughty when I use IE to get Firefox. It's like I'm not even hiding the fact that I won't even use IE. And IE HAS to take it!

But what if IE had ENOUGH and decided NOT to come on your computer? How would you get Firefox?! Can they send me a floppy disc with it on there? Would I have to send a letter to Firefox? How would I know they got it without an instant "noreply" email from them?

There are so many things in life I don't understand.

Most of them have to do with power tools. Like welding equipment.

OH! The COOL thing about welding equipment is the goggles! I SOOOOO WANT a pair of goggles!

Dark black circle ones! I'd feel like a super hero EVERY DAY!

I might even try to be a super hero! I wouldn't stop crime or anything. I would just jump around and say that I was super strong.

I bet they would help me to sew, too. A button fell off my shirt and I needled it back on last night. Totally hard core. I didn't have any black thread, so I used purple.

That's kind of like welding.

I'm off to browse.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

no really, it's supposed to be funny

2011-04-01T16:09:00.001-04:00

It's April Fool's Day! Where people do stuff! I don't really know what, but they do it. I never got involved with it. I don't celebrate April 1. I prefer March to last 32 days. Then I go to April 2. I'm a big March fan.

If you didn't know, the French LOVE this day! They call it Poisson d'Avril. Which means "April Fish." You tape a paper fish to somebody's back. Then their friends yell, "Poisson d'Avril!" when they see it on you. And that's funny. For some reason.

Person 1: "Bonjour!"

Person 2: "Poisson d'Avril!"

Person 1: "Oh, is there a fish on my back? Cool. Thanks."

Person 2: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Person 1: "...yeah...it's not that funny...it's just a fish taped to my back."

Person 2: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! There's a fish taped to your back! You totally got fished! It's hilarious!"

Person 1: "...riiiiiight..."

Since it IS so funny, I'm going to do that today. But instead of a fish, I will use buttered toast. Or hummus! Hummus is ALWAYS funny!

And instead of putting it on their back, I will put it on their nose!

I'm already laughing.

Fish are stinky.

I'm off to Poisson d'Avril.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

don't hit jupit-awww...that's gonna leave a dent

2011-03-31T16:33:00.000-04:00

An interesting question was posed the other day. Why do UFOs have lights? I found this article online. Basically, he said if beings from another planet wanted to make themselves known, they would just land and give us candy. But, if they wanted to just OBSERVE us and not chat, why would they have SUPER BRIGHT LIGHTS shining from their space craft?

It's a good question. Why DO aliens need headlights? If they can travel millions of light years to get here, don't you think they could avoid hitting a planet without the need for lights? Are they really not going to see the Kuiper Belt without some illumination going on?

I mean, if humans can create a Roomba, I'm pretty sure somebody with a background in intergalactic travel can figure out how not to hit an asteroid while moving!

Unless, of course, they just come here to disco. Which is understandable. All those flashing lights ARE pretty. And who doesn't love a good disco?

And that's why cows are always missing after a UFO comes by.

I'm off to boogaloo.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

i can totally believe it's not butter

2011-03-29T16:03:00.001-04:00

I cleaned out my fridge this weekend. I didn't even know I HAD stuff in the fridge that needed cleaning out! I don't really use it too often. I think I use it for 4 things. Orange juice, apple juice, rice milk and spinach.

But! It turns out that I bought a "spread" a few years ago and never used it. It wasn't butter. I don't really know what it was. It's in a tub that is similar to what they put butter in. But it wasn't butter.

It was VERY stinky when I opened it, though! The kind of stink that makes you open all the windows and light 5 candles. Even after that, I could not get the stink out of my nose.

AND this thing was...a thing. I don't know how to describe its form. It was this thing that looked kinda like a chunk of melted plastic. But breathing. I'm pretty sure it was breathing.

Or pulsating. Or something. I don't know what it was doing, but it was doing it. Also, I think it was trying to contact other alien beings. Or maybe trying to take over my mind. I KNOW that I heard it talk to me using telepathy.

It told me to buy more spread.

Out of fear, I hammered it down the sink into the pipe blades that reside under the sink hole.

There it met its timely death.

You don't have to worry about it taking over your brain or telling you what to do.

Let's hope it did not get its message to the others.

I'm off to buy more spread.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

lance stardust: comet hunter

2011-03-25T14:14:00.000-04:00

In 1999 NASA launched the space probe "Stardust." A "comet hunter" that followed a comet and sent us samples of the comet trail.

I want to be a comet hunter! I would change my name to Magnum Chase and ride a space sea horse! I could have a laser lasso that would catch comets that go rogue!

Like if a comet tied a damsel to some intergalactic train tracks! I could swoop in to save the day. With a laser lasso!

That would be awesome.

I would also only eat toast. Because I know how to make toast. Even in the frozen depths of space. Where it would stay fresh. Since it would be frozen.

I used to want to be an architect. I think I'll go for "comet hunter" instead.

Thank you Stardust. You're an inspiration.

I'm off to make toast.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

sister-in-law

2011-03-24T14:57:00.001-04:00

I have a sister-in-law. Which is cool. I got her a little while ago. It didn't really register until the other day, though. It started when my brother got married. I guess there is no law saying he is my brother. But we do share the same parents. As far as I know.

But this "sister-in-law" thing sounds kind of demanding! I mean, does there really need to be a "law" for it? I actually think she's a cool person and would happily just say she IS my sister! She's pretty much family! She does all sorts of stuff WITH the family.

Even if she didn't want to be my sister, she is still the wife to my brother. So why "sister-in-law" instead of "brother's wife?" Why does the law have to get involved? Every time the law gets involved, I'm usually getting handcuffed. I don't like that part.

If she owned a pet, would that be my llama-in-law?

OH! If she owned a sword, would that be my sword-in-law?! So legally, she HAS to let me use it! Since, in law, it is my sword!

I hope she has a sword. Made out of diamonds. I should ask her. Maybe the llama has it.

I'm off to check with the law.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

tis the season to be vernal

2011-03-21T16:56:00.000-04:00

I always heard of this equinox as the VERNAL equinox. The other things were the summer solstice, winter solstice and autumnal equinox. So I was GOING to ask why we call this Spring and not Vern!

BUT! I found out that summer and winter are NOT the official seasonal names! They are estival and hibernal! I know! I had never heard that before, either!

I gotta admit, I DO love the word "estival." It makes me think of a festival. But less effy.

If I ever got a pet hedgehog, I would name him Estival.

"Estival! ATTACK!"

That's what I would yell a lot. Estival would be an attack hedgehog. Kind of like Sonic the Hedgehog. But meaner. And faster. And he could shoot molten lava from his hands. And fly.

That's why you don't mess with Estival.

Vernal tried to mess with Estival once. Vernal doesn't do that anymore. Vernal also doesn't walk in a straight line anymore.

Happy first day of Vern!

I'm off to celebrate the season.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

like like like like like like like

2011-03-18T16:21:00.000-04:00

Okay, I know you probably already know this, but I just wanted to make sure you knew this.

You can "like" anything you post on facebook. Really. Because, the fact that you posted it did NOT imply that you liked it. You have to officially like what you wrote.

Why would I post something I didn't like? Do you post things you don't like on the off chance that somebody else might like it? I didn't know facebook posting was so altruistic!

Yeah, I said it. Altruistic! I have no idea what that means, but I'm pretty sure it means "posting things on facebook for other people to 'like' and stuff."

I think I'm going to "like" everything I post from now on. Because some people might not think I liked what I posted if I don't officially stamp it with a "like."

And why is there still a "poke" option? Does anybody even do that?

People used to poke me with a stick. I didn't "like" that. I didn't like it either. Quoted or not, it was painful and annoying.

Maybe I shouldn't let my emotional scars ruin my facebook time.

I'm off to "like" a "poke."

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

of course they're real

2011-03-16T13:34:00.000-04:00

So some people did a study asking other people whether they thought lightsabers were real or not. Do you know what they found? Only 24% of people thought they were real!

What?! Don't they teach kids science anymore?!

That's like saying unicorns and water don't exist. Hello! They're practically everywhere!

I'm pretty sure I'm made up of mostly water. And restly unicorn.

I also may or may not own a lightsaber.

If you prefer to (correctly) choose the "may not" option, please feel free to purchase one for me for my birthday. Or just because it's Wednesday.

I may or may not already own a ninja sword, but just in case I lose that, a lightsaber would be nice.

So if I were to ask you, "Are koala bears and lightsabers real?" You would have to answer, "Yes."

That's how we do it in science.

Also, in science, we know 42 disco moves that can reboot a computer.

Don't hate it. It's just science.

I'm off to conduct surveys.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

this...is...american monkle

2011-03-14T13:44:00.001-04:00

I almost forgot about this! I love sharing my dreams! Isn't it fun to talk about your dreams with people?

I don't know why. I guess because they are so odd.

So, I was auditioning to be a monk. Because, like American Idol, you have to audition for it. But, in my dream, monks have to take a vow of silence.

For part of my audition, I had to teach another monk some very important monk history. And I couldn't say anything while doing it.

Luckily, monk history was Batman. So, in my dream, all I had to do was think about the comic book picture and the other monk understood what was going on!

I don't know if Batman is really an important part of monk teachings, but I truly believe it should be.

Oh, after teaching some Batman stuff, the head monk asked me if I was ready to be a monk forever.

Then a school bus pulled up and I decided that I couldn't not talk for the rest of my life.

If a school bus shows up, you know some major decision will be made. It's just the way of the universe.

And my dreams.

Happy Pi Day. 3/14

I'm off to do more Batman research.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

rollin' with my oaties

2011-03-11T16:03:00.000-05:00

Why are there rolled oats and oatmeal? Are they different or something? Should I just look it up on Wikipedia to figure out what is going on?

Okay, so I did. They're kinda the same thing. Except that the oatmeal usually has the bran coating removed from the rolled oats.

Wow. That was interesting.

I don't think I've ever had rolled oats.

That's all I got. Nothing exciting.

OH! Have you ever taken a bath in oatmeal? That's supposed to be good for you! Or stop chicken pox or something.

Rolled oats might not be good for that. With all that bran. Maybe they're better for a sore knee.

OMG! I TOTALLY have a sore knee right now!

I totally want some rolled oats. For my knee. And to eat. They sound yummy.

Rollllllllled oats.

Wouldn't it be cool to have an oatmeal sword or something! I could fight evil...um...what is oatmeal good for again? "It may prevent heart disease." Okay, so I could fight evil heart disease! With an oatmeal sword!

I could see that in World of Warcraft.

I'm off to meal my oats.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

don't panic on panic day

2011-03-09T14:46:00.001-05:00

It's panic day! Don't Panic! Or Do!

I really don't know what you do on panic day.

I've heard that people panic at the disco. I can't understand that! The disco is all about fun and bubbles!

How can you panic when there are bubbles?!

I guess you might panic if you were in Disco, Wisconsin. Mostly because it's an unincorporated area. And if you ever get a flat tire there, you never know what kind of cell signal you'll get.

But, if you take a short walk east-northeast, you can go to Black River Falls and enjoy the Hoffman Aquatic Center with their heated pools, body slides and tumble buckets!

That's what I call an accidental vacation!

Panic at the disco? More like Party at the tumble bucket!

Tumble Bucket would be a good name for a band.

I'm off tumble my bucket.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

a cold and the flu

2011-03-07T13:15:00.001-05:00

Why is it "A" cold and "THE" flu? Why does cold get such a "it's one of many" title?

There are all sorts of different flus! Fluse? Flues? ... Types of flu!

"THE" makes it sound like it's the one and only. Like: THE Batman. THE Mona Lisa.

Not: "A" Crime Fighter or "A" Painting.

The cold doesn't get enough respect. That's right. I called it THE cold. How often do you get a cold?

A LOT! It has EARNED your fear and respect!

RESPECT THE COLD!

That should be a t-shirt.

I don't think I'll give flu the title of "THE" anymore. It's just a flu. One of many. Every animal has one, so WHOOPIE DOO FLU! You're so UNspecial that you give a flu for every phylum!

I'm off to wash my hands.

Enjoy Everything.

-THE DJ

watch out for my death ray

2011-03-02T13:01:00.001-05:00

Scientists have a death ray! And they are giving it to the Navy?!

It's a super powered laser that can fire blasts of energy at the speed of light! Why give up that power?!

Scientists could rule the world! That would be sweet! There would be a holiday for EVERY element on the Periodic Table!

Why celebrate Arbors and Labors when we could celebrate Thuliums and Astatines! Happy Rutherfordium Day!

Sure Rutherfordium has no practical use, but does St. Patrick's Day? It's just fun to celebrate different halogens and lanthanoids! Maybe YOU could become "reasonably stable" like Thulium, if you know what I mean (because I don't).

Of course, if scientists ruled the world with their death ray, we'd probably have to all wear lab coats. Luckily, I hear that style is all the rage these days. Scientists will read this and LOVE my ideas. Remember me when you're looking for a vice-ruler.

I'm off to find more yttrium for my TV.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

don't you know the dewey decimal system

2011-02-28T14:01:00.002-05:00

Some libraries are getting rid of the Dewey Decimal System to go with the more popular "book store" approach.

They say that people are used to browsing for books and pick up what they like. So, organizing books like a store makes people feel more comfortable and might get them to read more.

Now, I have no problem with this, but really, how often do you casually shop around for books about 18th Century Amish cooking?

You ONLY look for that stuff if you have to make yumazitti or if you are doing a report on making yumazitti.

Nobody BROWSES for yumazitti!

You browse for fiction. Maybe some biographies. But research? Who browses to learn? Show me a person who browses for education and I'll show you a deep-fried yumazitti!

What...Paula Deen already did that? Oh. Okay. On a stick, maybe?

The point is, Dewey or not, everything is in the computer. It just has to tell me where to find the book.

Librarians love Dewey, though. If you know a librarian, ask them about Dewey and they'll just talk about him for hours. It's true. And boring.

You know what I COULD have done? I could have just browsed their Book Classification section and read a book on Dewey.

I didn't. And wouldn't. But I COULD have.

I'm off to classificate.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

bending light and not bending time

2011-02-25T13:39:00.000-05:00

I can bend light by the speed of my car! As I was driving into work today, the lights hitting my windshield (or windscreen in England) were all bending and curving towards the lower left. It was beautiful!

Most of the time, when I drive to work, I pay attention to the road and that's kinda boring. But this morning, I could watch the lights bend and I didn't even have to watch where I was going!

I've always felt that the speed of my car would change my gravitational pull. Clearly it does. Since I was creating enough gravity to bend light.

Sadly, I could not bend time and I was a few minutes late to work. Bending time is much harder to do.

It's also harder to write songs about.

Sorry, that's an inside joke that maybe 6 other people will get. And only 3 will read. But trust me, if you KNEW about the song Bending Time, you would think any joke about it is hilarious. Seriously. You should just laugh because you know it's actually funny.

Go ahead, laugh. I'll wait.

See! I told you it was funny! Don't you love inside jokes?

I do too. That's why we get along so well. We never know what we're laughing about. But at least we're laughing!

I'm off to bend stuff.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

throw another blog on the fire

2011-02-23T15:25:00.001-05:00

Does anybody read blogs anymore? The new studies say they don't!

Kids just don't have time to read these horrifically long blogs. They're more than 140 characters! That's just crazy!

People like to read short bursts of info instead of the long novel-length blog.

So, what am I doing writing this? I have no idea, but I can't stop!

Some day I will make my blogs short. I should start now.

Some guy made a GIANT penny out of 84,000 regular sized pennies. Batman has a giant penny. Is this guy Batman?! I just found Batman! (Under 140 characters!)

If I DID have more characters, I COULD tell you about all the other great things that are better when they are used to make bigger versions of themselves.

Like a giant cupcake made from regular cupcakes. Or a giant cookie made from smaller cookies. Maybe a giant disco ball made from other disco balls. Can you think of anything else?

How about a giant pile of whipped cream made from smaller piles of whipped cream!

That would be fun to play in! Put a giant disco ball over that and you have a party!

Unfortunately, I didn't have the room to write all of that, so we didn't get to talk about it. But if we were able to get those characters, that would have been fun to mention.

I'm off to keep it short.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

president and absident

2011-02-21T15:26:00.000-05:00

I love presidents. They are crazy!

Actually, they only seem crazy because they are really just regular people who happen to find themselves with a great deal of power.

That's right! They are regular people who do regular things! Pretty cool, right?

In theory, and practice, I could be a president. Imagine that! All the fun things that I could do in the White House!

That's why I love it when they come out with "Presidential Fackts!" I just added the "k" for extra facktiness. And Vitamin K!

Do you know what I found out? John Quincy Adams was the FIRST president to be interviewed in the nude! Yep! He was skinny dipping, as all presidents like to do, and a reporter came up and sat on his clothes.

Reporter: "I will not relinquish these clothes until you grant me an interview!"

JQ: "Okay. I will allow it. Only if you write about how snazzy my mutton chops are."

Reporter: "Can do. Now, why are you having problems with these new tariffs you worked on?"

JQ: "Grrrrr...Andrew Jackson is the problem!"

And that was pretty much John Quincy's answer to everything that went wrong. Seriously, they hated each other. They wanted to duel in Laser Tag, but it hadn't been invented yet. So they just yelled a lot.

It's shocking we made it this far as a nation. But at least we have Laser Tag now.

Have a great Presidents' Day!

I'm off to grow my mutton chops.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

republi-show-up vs. democra-not-gonna-do-it

2011-02-18T14:17:00.001-05:00

I love this. In Wisconsin, there is some vote about some anti-union bill. The Republicans want to pass it, but the Democrats don't.

Unfortunately for the Democrats, there are more Republicans in the state senate.

But, there's a loophole! There has to be at least ONE Democrat present when the vote happens to make it valid! Instead of voting, they all just got on a bus to Rockville, Illinois!

Can I do that? If I don't like my chances for something, can I just NOT show up?

Boss: "We're thinking of firing you, can you give us any reason not to?"

Me: "Can I have a minute?"

Boss: "Sure."

Then I leave and don't come back! I don't get fired AND I get to visit Rockville!

What a sweet deal! Who doesn't want to go to Rockville with a bunch of Democrats playing hooky? Rebel-Democrats are wild. They tag buildings with washable chalk, take brisk walks with scissors and sometimes even wear their sunglasses at night.

Hey, don't switch the blade on the guy with shades, I'm just telling you what I heard.

I'm off to not show up.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

what are you doing alex

2011-02-16T13:57:00.001-05:00

There is a computer on Jeopardy! Watson. That's the computer's name.

Really? That's the name they decided to give it? How come they always give these computers such creepy names?!

Hal. Watson. Destructor. I mean, really...who comes up with this stuff? If you named the computer "Fuzzles," I bet that EVERYBODY would love it.

Even the computer would love it! The computer would love its name SO much that it would NEVER think of attacking anybody with a venomous technovirus turning us all into mindless slaves.

Not at all. Fuzzles would attack us with technohugs and technokisses. That's my 4th favorite kind of attack.

Fuzzles the computer looks kinda like a pink bunny. At least that's what it looks like in my head.

A pink computer bunny.

*giggle* So cute!

I'm off to log onto fuzzles.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

agent cupid: the arrow who loved me

2011-02-14T15:43:00.000-05:00

History doesn't give much credit to Cupid's archery skills. They focus on the fact that he shot the "love arrow" at people, but forget that he can shoot that arrow, from, like, a million miles away!

I once heard that he shot a hole through a coin at twenty paces. Blindfolded. And shirtless! Because that's how Cupid rolls.

And shirts hold back the wings. Cuz when you got wings, you want to fly!

There was this one time that Cupid had to infiltrate a secret government facility operated by evil karate ducks and had to cover his wings so he could wear all black to sneak in.

He couldn't fly, but still got in all ninja-style and arrowed everything. Like, EVERYTHING. Every arrow hit every mark perfectly! He had to get a flash drive arrow into a usb port on a computer. He did it from a ventilation shaft. He downloaded the info needed and then destroyed the computer.

WHAT?! That's right, he did that! THAT is how good he is.

He's a mad-crazy toxophilite.

So if you got hit by Cupid's arrow, you were SUPPOSED to get hit with it. He doesn't miss. Ever.

Okay, so once he scratched himself with an arrow and fell in love with Psyche, but she was kinda hot, so he was distracted. Honest mistake.

I'm off to check my fletchings.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

what makes a berry a berry

2011-02-11T14:46:00.000-05:00

Why are bananas not a berry? Is it a tree/bush thing? Are they really that different that it matters?

I ask because I'm eating some dried fruit and nuts. And it's not called "nuts and berries" because of the dried banana in it. Has anyone asked the banana if it would like to be a berry?

Is there a dragon berry? That would be cool. Especially if it was shaped like a dragon! Or a giant dinosaur berry! Like, bigger than a house! THAT would redefine the word "berry!"

WHOA! Okay! Take a second here! I just looked up berries online and it says that bananas ARE a berry! YES! They are berries!

Botanically speaking, it's a banana berry! Wow! My world just got flipped upside-down!

WHAT?! Tomatoes and pumpkins are also berries?!?! This is amazing! Did you know this?

Nice! So I can eat nuts and berries! Today is going to be a great day! A great WEEK, in fact!

Banana berries, look out! I'm a berry eatin' fool!

You should eat more berries, too! Like a banana and tomato sandwich! A BERRY SANDWICH!

Awesome.

I'm off to eat a banana berry.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

dig that hole like dig dug

2011-02-09T13:34:00.000-05:00

Tokyo has a hole digging competition. You have 30 minutes to dig a hole. Deepest hole wins the GOLDEN SHOVEL!

Not only that, but you can win for the most creative hole, too!

How do you make a "creative" hole? Do it like Dig Dug! That's right! If you can destroy some Pookas and Fygars, then I bet you would win that prize!

Granted, that joke is ONLY funny to people who know everything about the video game Dig Dug, but trust me, it's funny.

I used to dig holes thinking I could get to the center of the Earth. Now I know that's impossible because of the Earth's rotation. It keeps changing your direction, so it's impossible to get there unless you have very high-tech equipment calibrated to the spin and orbit of the earth and a few other planets.

Gravity gets all messed up the deeper you go down.

Dig Dug told me that.

Also, it's dangerous to dig to the center of the Earth. You might run into Pookas and Fygars. They are scary. Especially Fygar's fire.

OH! And watch out for wild boars! I thought I almost hit one last night! Turned out to be a trash can in the road, but still, coulda been a boar.

I'm off to dig a hole.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

happy belated nutella day

2011-02-07T13:16:00.000-05:00

Woops! Missed Nutella Day this year! Apparently it was on Saturday. Actually, every February 5 is Nutella Day.

February. That's fun to say. Feb Roo Air Ree! tee hee...

I don't know why they separate Nutella Day and Valentine's Day. Shouldn't they be the same? Why not just have Nutella for a Valentine?

It's yummy and full of love! Even though the awkwardly shaped container never allows you to get all the Nutella out of it, it's still awkwardly shaped love. That never lets you get all the Nutella/love out of it.

I don't know what today is, but they should also combine it with Nutella.

They should probably do that every day.

OH! Here's the perfect Valentine's Day gift! Throw some bread into a toaster. If you've never done that, it magically turns bread into toast. Once you have the toast, spread some Nutella on it. Then make it into the shape of a heart!

Bring that to your loved one and you just made Valentine's Day amazing! Done! You don't have to do anything else!

That's how you show love. Nutella on toast equals love on toast.

I'm off to spread things on toast.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

mona lisa or mana lisa or mony mony lisa

2011-02-04T13:21:00.000-05:00

Could the Mona Lisa be a man?! Yes it could! That's the new theory by some guy, at least.

And what's wrong with that? Some men like to be pretty! I know I do!

They think it was Da Vinci's "associate" Gian Giacomo Caprotti. Also known as "Salai." I guess that's his nickname. It's Italian for "Big G Capriscuit." Which, when I think about it, is a pretty rad nickname.

Silvano Vinceti, the man making the claim, says that he found the letter "L" in the Mona Lisa's right eye and an "S" in the left eye. Also, there is the number 72 under the bridge in the background.

Of course, you can't see these things unless you have a high-powered microscope. So clearly, Da Vinci had a high-powered, microscopic paint brush. But, who doesn't have one of those, right? I have, like, four of them in my pocket right now.

Oh, the "L" is for "Leonardo" and the "S" is for "Salai." Clearly Da Vinci was showing his affection for Gian by putting the first letter of his nickname in one eye and the name of his favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle in the other.

That's how I show affection, too.

72 stands for...um...I have no idea. It's not in the article. Maybe that was Salai's favorite number. It's not a bad number. Not really worthy of FAVORITE, though.

You know what 72 IS good for! Quarters in my pocket! That's a lot of laundry AND gumballs!

I'm off to Mona Lisa.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

transportation security hydrangea

2011-02-03T13:42:00.000-05:00

Plants are incredible! Did you know that they change color? Okay, maybe you did know that. Trees do it every year, so it's not that surprising.

But, some plants change color when they're scared! Some plants detect dangers in the air and will change from green to white to "trick" the danger into leaving it alone, I guess.

Scientists are trying to create plants that smell bomb-making stuffs so they change color when they smell it. So if you're going through airport security and you see a plant next to the metal detector, that plant MIGHT BE SMELLING YOU!

If you smell bomby, then you might get arrested. If you smell like water, it might hug you. I don't know. I've heard they can genetically modify plants to hug, too.

I like to hug plants. They grow better with hugs. And Miracle-Gro plant sticks that you put in the dirt. Those are like hugs for the roots. And snuggles for the apical meristem.

It's nice.

I'm off to hug a plant.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

ain't no mountain high enough

2011-02-01T15:36:00.000-05:00

I got snow tires for the first time in my life yesterday! They are totally hard core!

I haven't driven in snow yet, but on notsnow, they are the best tires ever! I've never had a better ride in my car! It's like driving on a cloud of soft sponges!

They should also help me in the snow. Because of their grippiness. I know I've only driven about 10 miles on them so far, but I'm pretty sure they are the best tires on any car ever. They could probably drive up a mountain. And not just a little mountain. One of those big ones that has a name! Like Rushmore or Everest!

I think I'll go try that today. Because you know what they say, "There's no point in making muffins if you can't get them out of the pan."

I'm off to tread the pavement.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

powdered milk goes great with powdered toast

2011-01-31T13:29:00.000-05:00

I don't get how powdered milk works. I understand the basic idea. It's milk that is dried. Add water and you have some liquid milk again!

But why does it last longer? Milk goes bad after a certain amount of time. Water does not. Take the water out of milk, the milk should STILL go bad, right?!

That makes sense to me! Now, I'm no scientist, but I AM related to a doctor and a physicist. So clearly, I know what I'm talking about.

The answer is clearly magic. Like Harry Potter-style magic! Powderus Stayus Unspoilicus!

I wish there were more magic powder foods. I wonder if powdered milk works like pixie dust. It DOES have magical properties. Maybe I should sprinkle some powdered milk on my head to see what happens.

I bet I can fly. Or at least jump REALLY high. Like, maybe a foot off the ground! THAT would be high!

If I can get my hands on some powdered eggs, I bet I could hold my breath for 17 seconds.

I know, that's almost unheard of!

That's what happens when you use magic to make food.

I'm off to put the power in powder.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

an ode to the silent letter

2011-01-28T16:40:00.000-05:00

It's time the silent letter was heard! The silent letter needs a voice! And now, you have an ode that honors the silent letter that is written ENTIRELY in silent letters!

Let us begin:

*sniff* Wow...(tear)...that was emotional. I hope you appreciate what the silent letter has gone through for you. That part about " " was so...powerful.

I just...I just can't go on. It's too much for me.

I'm off to .

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

more absorbent than the regular heart

2011-01-26T16:35:00.000-05:00

I love that my paper towels have absorbent hearts. I don't know why I love that, but it feels like it should mean something.

Like, "the heart can wipe up any of life's spills."

That's so eloquent that it should be on a fortune cookie. Or maybe put online and incorrectly attributed to some Greek poet.

The heart is tougher than we give it credit for.

OOOOOH! "The quicker picker-upper-hearter!"

No, wait..."The hearter picker-upper!"

I like that one better.

Yeah. It's nice to wipe things up with a heart. It makes me feel like the paper towel loves its job.

And everybody should love their job. ESPECIALLY paper towels.

I'm off to clean up life's spills.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

ice spears falling from the sky

2011-01-24T15:41:00.000-05:00

Duuuuuuuuuuuuude! You should see the icicles hanging from my room!

They're, like, the size of a Yugo! I don't even know what a Yugo is, but I hear they are HUGE!

I woke up to see a spiky shadow from my window shade. I looked out there and saw these icicles that look like a death trap!

It's totally awesome.

I hope you have some cool icicles, too. Pun intended.

But make sure you are safe around them! The ones outside my window look dangerous. Thankfully, I wear a helmet most of the time. You never know what's going to fall from the sky!

I once got bonked on the head by a starfish. I don't know where it came from, but there it was...on my helmet.

Starfish have been known to latch onto your head and take over your mind. Then you do starfishy/echinodermy things like...um...slowly moving across an ocean floor.

It's...unsettling.

So wear your helmet. Because of starfish and icicles and stuff.

I'm off to protect my head.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

don't eat raw garlic

2011-01-21T14:01:00.001-05:00

That's my warning to you. It's NASTY! Do you like garlic? I thought I did. I'm pretty sure I would have it in other foods and it never bothered me.

Well, I heard that eating a clove of raw garlic is good for you. Keeps the sick away. Little did I know how STRONG raw garlic is!

I could taste it in the back of my brain!

I ate SO MUCH food after that just trying to get rid of the nasty taste in my mouth!

I even tried a lemon juice chaser, but that only worked for a second. Though it did give me an exciting tingle.

I don't want that taste near me ever. EVER.

Maybe you like garlic. If you do, I think something is wrong with your taste buds.

OH! And after you eat it, you BURP it, too! And those are SOOOOOO GROSS!

It's all I can taste right now. I need it to go away. Gum tastes like garlic-cinnamon. Ick.

Don't say I didn't warn you. I do these things so I can help you make informed decisions.

If you have a friend who's thinking about trying some garlic, sit them down and talk to them about the dangers of garlic cloves. There are support groups if you need them.

I'm off to mouth wash.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

how many spaces could a space space space

2011-01-20T18:00:00.000-05:00

How many spaces do you put after a period? Or a question mark?

If you answered two, then you are wrong! Don't worry. I was wrong, too.

I was raised on the "two spaces after a period" mantra.

There's a whole reason behind the "two spaces" rule, but I guess that was outdated after 1976. Most of us just didn't get the memo.

I'm trying to change to the "one space" rule. It's not easy.

You know what? I do NOT like this one space thing! Everything looks too close together! I can barely read it even WITH my glasses on!

It really bothers some people if you put two spaces after a period. I don't know why. Just to make them EXTRA mad, I'm going to put two spaces after EVERY word. And THREE after every sentence!

Take that word people! I bet you hate reading this! I LOVE it! Join me in the space revolution!

I'm off to t a k e u p s p a c e .

E n j o y E v e r y t h i n g .

-DJ

even superheroes have to do taxes

2011-01-18T18:22:00.000-05:00

Did you ever dream about doing your taxes? Sounds boring, right?

Not if you are a SUPERHERO!

I had a dream that I was Green Arrow. You know him. He wears all green. Has a quiver with fancy arrows in it. That sort of thing.

So, I was Green Arrow and I was going to get my taxes done. For some reason, my tax preparer was a fifth-grade teacher. And apparently does taxes during school hours.

I walk into the classroom. With a quiver on my back. In all green. And the tax-lady started punching numbers. The kids just sat there and stared.

That was my dream. I wish I could say it was more exciting. It was not. Tax-Lady is not meant to be an evil name. More of a job title.

Yeah...sometimes I should really think twice about what I'm writing. I mean, nothing happened. No battle with arrows for taxes. Just...gettin' the ol' taxes done.

Maybe I woke up before the awesome stuff happened. Like the evil zombie, vampire robots attacking the school.

We'll go with that.

That's what you should learn today. Don't wake up too early. You miss all the good parts of tax preparation.

I'm off to fall back asleep.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

the jell-o that works like a brain

2011-01-14T13:37:00.000-05:00

A neurologist was trying to test the accuracy of an EEG machine. An EEG machine is an electroencofnosoeqvwef/miuaefolograph or something. It measures brain activity.

So, this neurologist, Adrian, took some Jell-O and hooked it up to an EEG to find out what would happen. Because, being a neurologist, he didn't have much time to goof around in medical school.

What did he find?!

The EEG showed "readings similar to human brain functions!" Wow!

There are no details on the flavor of Jell-O used, but I'm guessing it was lime. Lime Jell-O smells like a brain. If you ever smelled brains before.

I have a few zombie friends, so I know these things. You might have had that experience too.

You: "Mmmmmmm! Something smells tropical! Is that some lime Jell-O you're eating?"

Zombie Friend: "No. Brains."

You: "Oh fudgies. I was really in the mood for some lime Jell-O. Got any of that?"

Zombie Friend: "No. Just brains. Want some?"

You: "...well...it DOES smell good...

Ewwwwwwww! You actually considered eating brains?! I know it smells good, but come on!

Takes all kinds, I guess.

I'm off to hook up my EEG.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

adventures in worky-sleeping

2011-01-12T15:08:00.000-05:00

There is some major snow happening! And to be safe from the super-snow, I decided to sleep at work. Luckily, they have a nice hard table perfect for sleeping.

It sounds like I made a good decision. There was some ucky driving this morning. And I was SO early for work! That'll impress the bosses!

Have you ever been snowed in somewhere? Or maybe stayed somewhere else because of snow?

It's really not that bad. I bought some orange juice. That always makes me feel good in the morning.

I also brought some extra food. You ALWAYS bring extra food for sleepovers!

You never know what's going to happen! An extra tin of dried fruit and nuts can go a LONG way!

Since I was the only one at the sleepover, it went a really long way. That was good.

Since I was the only one at the sleepover, nobody did my hair and nails. That was bad.

Maybe next time.

I'm off to fluff up the table.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

textile fibers of unknown kind

2011-01-11T15:44:00.000-05:00

That's what my chair pillow says. I think it's a chair pillow. It also says that it is a "Vintage Borst." It's one of those pillows that you can put on a bed and it has a soft back and two arm rests.

Whatever it's called, I don't know what's IN the pillow. It says "Filling: Textile fibers of unknown kind."

Really?! You don't know what's in my pillow! What if they are fibers from a radioactive alien plant?! They should put that on the label! I'm allergic to radioactive alien plants!

Luckily, by law, they have to tell me that they filled it with stuff. They don't HAVE to specify the stuff. They just have to tell me that they put stuff in the pillow. Any stuff that they could find on the floor. Or in the walls. Insulation, maybe. Who knows!

I'd rather have it filled with candy. Soft candy.

Even "candy of unknown kind" would be okay. I'm flexible.

I'm off to textile fibers.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

ninja bird vs. pirate panda

2011-01-10T17:08:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I don't actually have any pirate pandas. Nor do I have any ninja birds. BUT! That's only because they are extinct! The birds, I mean.

Scientists have found the bones for an extinct bird in Jamaica that would whip its wings around like nunchaku.

So making a giant leap to a dramatic conclusion, these ninja birds fought evil pirate pandas to protect Jamaica from invasion. Since pirate pandas like invading things.

If you were planning a trip to Jamaica 10,000 years ago, you might want to have thought again. In the first place, time travel is still a little shaky. Secondly, you don't want to get attacked by ninja birds.

Ninja birds also protect the space-time continuum from time travelers like you.

And you might look like a panda. If you're like me, you will always wear your panda suit when you travel. Especially for time travel.

Other animals are extinct, too. Like dinosaurs. They didn't need to learn the ancient art of ninjutsu. They were pretty huge, so really, they could just step on you.

If a Stegosaurus DID learn martial arts, it could probably mess you up!

Here's today's lesson: Don't travel back in time. Ninja animals might attack you. It's not worth it. Unless expedia has a REALLY cheap price. Then it might be cool.

I'm off to nunchaku.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

so comfortable, you can wear them anywhere

2011-01-07T17:17:00.000-05:00

Jeggings have become very popular these days. I'm not sure why, but they have.

If you don't know, jeggings are leggings that look like tight jeans. They have a denim color and jeany look.

But if you think jeggings are TOO leggingly for you, why not try Pajama Jeans!

That's right! They LOOK like jeans, but FEEL like soft pajamas! You will wear them around the house. When you're traveling. For a night out on the town. And STILL want to wear them to bed!

It's true! And I want a pair. Who wouldn't want to wear pajama pants all day? Especially ones that will make my behind look fabulous!

Oh, and even better, it comes with a FREE t-shirt. Perfect for that "jeans and t-shirt" look.

If you don't like this idea, go buy a Big Top Cupcake instead.

OH! I totally forgot to tell you! I saw a shooting star the other day! It was so cool! It was all like, "Pshhhhh! Fwoosh!"

I made a wish that I could find a pair of jeans that felt like pajamas.

My wish came true. No need to thank me.

I'm off to put on pajama jeans.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

sorry green, it's time for some space

2011-01-06T15:48:00.000-05:00

Do you have a favorite color? I think a lot of people do. What's your favorite? Is it one of the primary colors? Maybe a secondary color? Perhaps a quintary color?

Whatever it is, is it the same as it was ten years ago?

I've been a hardcore fan of green for most of my life. ALWAYS loved it. But I think I'm falling in love with purple.

I have NO idea how this happened, but it's been calling to me.

Every time I see some purple clothes, I kinda want them. But I know that I only look good ("look good" is a little strong, "don't look horrible" might be better) in one color: black. So, I don't buy the purple, but I still WANT the purple.

Green is still nice, but purple is really stepping up its game.

I didn't know you could change your favorite color. I thought I was going to stick with green my whole life. We had a lot of good times together.

If I can find a green and purple suit, maybe that will make both of my colors happy.

I will also look like The Joker.

So, that's a plus.

I'm off to color it purple.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

welcome to the tri-state area of big ugly

2011-01-04T16:18:00.001-05:00

During my time away from work, I did a lot of things. One of those lot was trying to find the town of Danville in a tri-state area.

If you watch "Phineas and Ferb" on Disney, then you know what I'm talking about (and get my jokes). They live in Danville. I was curious where it might be.

I found out. Sort of. There are a bunch of Danvilles in the U.S., but none of them are close to a tri-state location. A few are kinda bi-statey. One is even bi-country! Thank you, Washington!

I also found out that Danville, WV isn't far from the Big Ugly Hunting Area!

I thought that was quite insulting for a hunting area, but it only got that name from the Big Ugly Creek. An early settler, possibly insecure, saw the creek many years ago and thought it was less than pretty. So, they called it a Big Ugly Creek. And that name stuck with it.

So now you can go to the Big Ugly Wildlife Management Area. Enjoy some Big Ugly scenery. Then top it off with a Big Ugly dinner!

That is, if you want to have a full-on Big Ugly vacation. And who doesn't!?

That is what I do with my free time. Aren't you jealous.

I'm off to...hey, where's Perry?

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

shop 'til the ball drops

2011-01-03T13:19:00.001-05:00

Would you like to shop at a store and not have to worry about other shoppers? At all?

Then you should go shopping on New Year's Eve!

I did! I know, you were probably at some party or doing some sort of celebration. But, while you were whooping it up, I was out buying underwear on clearance!

And YOU missed out on those deals! Because you were too busy having fun!

Let ME tell you about fun. Being able to shop with NOBODY around. Stores are open on New Year's Eve. And they are fabulous.

I wish I could do all my shopping for the year on the previous year's eve because it would be so easy. And the poor kids who have to work that night would just LOVE to ring up a billion dollars worth of toilet paper.

I did not do that. I wasn't ready for it. But the last day of this year? You WILL see me shopping EVERYWHERE. I will fill up a bunch of carts with everything I need. Rent a moving van. Fill it up. Then go home and resolute to not shop for another year!

I will also resolute to plant a sunflower. But that's because they are pretty.

I'm off to work on my yearly shopping list.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

in case you're interested in my year

2010-12-23T18:00:00.000-05:00

A lot of people write letters to their friends and family about what they did during the year. Or maybe they talk about their kids or their pets or whatever. Well, I decided to do one to! So, this is what I sent out with my xmas cards this year. And I just HAD to share it with everybody!

Christmas Letter 2010

So the year started off pretty normal. Then the vortex came. Granted, the psychic goose told me to expect a rift in time/space, but not so soon!

So, in January, I had to take a few days off of work for extra-dimensional adventures. The world of XhrT was under the rule of a tyrant and they needed a hero to save the day. Luckily, under their weak star, my normal human strength was pretty hardcore. So, I took down the evil ruler and ushered in a time of peace and prosperity. It was cool.

In February, Cupid needed help dealing with a gang of mutated eagles from the sewers. Luckily, I’m pretty great with a bow and arrow and we took out the whole gang. AND made a few people fall in love. Only two people fell in love with the eagles. Cupid’s fault, not mine. I can thread a needle standing on a haystack from 80 clicks.

I also ate a lot of apples with peanut butter. It is really good.

Then, the epic battle for Christmas began! See, not a lot of people know this, but Santa has a doppelganger.

An EVIL doppelganger. So, this Atnas and I had to battle it out. Atnas wanted to take over the world. Unluckily, the big star we call the sun is the same here as it is here. That means no extra strength.

I had to do it the old-fashioned way. With an army of Fabulous Robots, lasers and swords.

The Fabulous Robots are a gang of swanky robots who know how to take care of business. By that I mean they could beat up Atnas’ goons lickity-split.

The battle raged for months. Between work, reading comics and battling the evil Atnas, it was a pretty busy June-November.

As Atnas and I were battling over the burning ruins of the lost Arctic city of Amarcta, we knew one of us was going to walk away a winner.

I looked into his eyes as our swords clashed and smiled.

He said, “Why are you smiling?”

I looked at him and said, “Because I know something that you do not.”

He said back, “And what is it.”

I said, “I am not left handed.”

BOOM! Christmas was saved. For this year.

And that’s what happened in 2010. What’s next for 2011? Well, the psychic goose did tell me that I should expect a visit from the clouds. But that can’t be too bad, can it?

Until next year.

THAT is how I spent my year. I hope your year was just as exciting.

I'm off to take a break and celebrate.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

return to sender by looking on the back flap

2010-12-21T17:15:00.000-05:00

Not to sound like a 90's comedian, but what's up with the return address on the back of the envelope flap? I've noticed it becoming more popular over the last few years.

It might be old news to you. Maybe people have been doing it for years, but I'm not used to it yet. I look at the envelope and I get all excited to get mail and I can't see who it's from.

THEN! After 20 minutes of looking at the front of the envelope and seeing my name. And a stamp. And my name. And a stamp. And then my name again. Then the stamp again. Aaaaaaaand...yep...that's my name. What about...nope...that's the stamp again.

(flip letter)

There it is! On the back! NOW I can open the letter because it is from somebody I trust. Or not trust, but at least know well enough. Well enough in the sense that my mail won't have an angry fish or something in it.

There needs to be a "mail-looking-at" training course for people like me. I'm skilled in many things. Being a ninja. Being a pirate. Being a ninja pirate. Being a pirate ninja. But looking at envelopes is NOT one of my strong points.

I also didn't know that you COULD put it on the back. Do they care where the stamp and return address are on the envelope? If not, can I just stick it in random spots? Maybe put a few of them on there? Is that okay?

SEE?! I don't know the rules!

Sometimes life is just too complicated. Next time I'll just send a telegram. Perhaps a singing one. That will be much easier.

I'm off to lick my stamps.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

salsa under the tree

2010-12-17T16:41:00.000-05:00

Do you know what I LOVE?!

Holiday Tortilla Chips!

I think Tostitos makes them. They are red and green! NICE!

Who wouldn't want to eat that? It's perfect with a tomato salsa OR guacamole!

This is why I love the holidays! Red and green are great colors. And they look even better on a tortilla chip.

I do know that tortilla chips come from corn. I guess they have to breed red and green corn. That corn only blooms in December. Lucky for us, it's just in time for Christmas!

It's weird, but that's what I heard.

If you are having people over for anything holiday related. Or just red and green related. You should buy these chips. They will add a level of sophistication to any party.

Maybe some day they'll be able to invent a green tomato and you can use that if your guests don't like guacamole.

Or perhaps a red guacamole!

What is science doing? Why aren't they working on this?

I think I'll write a letter to science letting them know what they should do. It worked last time when I asked them to invent a green apple. They're cool like that.

I'm off to get a stamp.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

just follow the moving light to the action

2010-12-15T14:55:00.001-05:00

What is it about spotlights that make you have to see what is going on? I saw some of those bright spotlights from the highway the other day and just HAD to see what they were promoting!

Or are they searchlights? I don't know. They're the same thing. Those BRIGHT beams of light you see swiveling from some sort of red-carpet event.

I see those and just think they are amazing!

And sometimes, if I pretend real hard, I can see the bat signal. So, I kinda think they are summoning Batman.

Okay, I don't know if they are for sures, but I HOPE they are!

I just like the bright lights.

Like a moth to the flame.

I like that song, The Flame. It's good.

I'm off to be the flame, I will be the flaaaaaaaaaame.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

you would say that it glowed

2010-12-14T16:36:00.000-05:00

I'm a little confused about this "Rudolph" character. If he's so "famous," how come we can't "recall" him?

See, for many years, nobody remembered this guy. As they say in the song, "But do you recall, the most famous reindeer of all?"

If he really WAS the most famous of them all, why couldn't we remember him? Should we really need to "recall" him? That's like asking, "Do you recall where your rib cage is?"

The rib cage is pretty famous. And we all know about it. No need to ask. Nor recall.

And this "nose" that he has. It doesn't ACTUALLY glow. But every time I see him on TV, it's like a flashlight. But technically, it's just shiny. So, in order for his nose to give off good light, light has to hit it first. I don't understand much, but I do understand basic specular reflection.

So this "famous" reindeer isn't so famous at all, but we're told to believe he is. And you would SAY that his nose glows, but it's only shiny. Which, really, couldn't guide a sleigh unless it was sunny out. And when it's sunny, do you really need a shiny guide?

Is there a conspiracy in the air? Maybe. Or maybe this "Rudolph," or whatever his real name is, just has a really good marketing team.

Either way, I have no idea what I'm talking about.

I'm off to shine my nose.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

hello, my name is robot, and I'll be your server

2010-12-10T15:17:00.000-05:00

A new restaurant in China is run by robots! There are six robot waiters and two robot hostesses.

I guess they have genders, since there are no waitresses and no hosts. I don't know. I'm just telling you what I saw in the article.

You go to this place and eat food that was delivered to your table by a robot.

Which SOUNDS awesome, but haven't they ever seen "2001: A Space Odyssey!"

Do you really want a robot telling you what you can eat or not? Because, really, you KNOW they are correct. They're robots. And robots are never wrong.

Except that one time a robot told me that my tight leather pants didn't look cool on me.

That robot was just jealous of my totally rad, rock and roll style.

I bet that after I left that party, the robot got a pair of leather pants just like mine.

Those robots. What do they know.

Unless they take over the world, then I'm all for leather-panted robots.

You robots look totally swanky. Seriously. Leather pants AND a fedora? Awesome. Please don't shoot me with lasers.

I'm off to buy my fedora.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ