Thursday, February 9, 2012

new blog spots

After much thought and consideratering, I have decided to retire the obstruction.

NOW, everything will feel like wednesday. If you like reading my stuff and you like blogger, you'll find it here:

If you like tumblr and you like reading my stuff, go here instead:

Thank you for your time.

I'm off to blog.

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, February 8, 2012

that isn't very relaxing

I'm the kind of guy who loves to relax. If I could afford a day at the spa, you KNOW I would be there ready to be sootherated.

Since I cannot afford anything that fancy, I do listen to relaxing sounds online.

It's nice! They'll have birds chirping. Water babbling. Sometimes they have, like, wind chimes and stuff. Maybe a pan flute. I don't know if Zamfir is involved, but I secretly hope he is.

I was relaxing to some birds the other day and a lawnmower goes by! Two times!

How is that calming?!

Sure, sometimes it would be nice to have Zamfir drop that flute and chop it up with a lawnmower, but not while I'm sipping tea and eating crumpets!

I don't even know what a crumpet is! But I secretly hope that it is a cookie shaped like a trumpet.

Maybe my next relaxing night will go better. But I wouldn't be surprised if I'm listening to the sounds of the forest and a chainsaw goes by.

Because that's relaxing. Like an arrow to the knee.

I'm off to play my crumpet.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, February 6, 2012

meat doesn't go there

I don't know what's going on in Detroit, but bacon is not an adhesive bandage. I mean, I'm pretty sure it isn't. I guess I could be wrong.

It turns out doctors have, in fact, used bacon to stop massive nose bleeding. YUP! You have to stick bacon up your nose!

Now, kids...don't stick stuff up your nose. Not bacon or marbles or anything deep fried, without your parents permission.

Parents, if you permit your kids to stick bacon and marbles and anything deep fried up their nose...I'm not sure if you're the greatest or the worst parents ever.

So if you're looking for some sort of bleeding-stopper at the store and you find "nose bacon" on the shelf, you may want to try it.

If you find some "ear sausages" on the shelf, you...wait...where are you?!

What are these stores you go to?!

That's just weird stuff. If you EVER need me to buy stuff for you, I'm not going to your freaky pig-body part stores.

I'm not into that sort of thing.

I don't want to know where a pork rind might go. I don't even know what a "rind" is. And I don't WANT to know.

I'm off to stop the bleeding.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, February 3, 2012

insider and outsider trading

So there's talk around Congress about insider trading. I don't know much about the law and the government and kangaroos, but I know that they all exist.

Okay, I'm not 100% on that, but I'm about 67% sure.

According the folks in Congress, they could get insider stock tips so they could make some big monies. But, insider trading is illegal. Except for them.

Since the law DIDN'T say they COULDN'T do it, they figured it was okay.

And THAT is my kinda logic!

Since there is no actual proof that unicorns don't exist, clearly they do! And since there is no actual law specifically telling me that I, personally, cannot take all the money from a bank, clearly I can.

OH! There is also no law that says all comic book companies are supposed to NOT give me comic books free for life, therefore they should be giving me comic books, for free, for life!

Because that's how the law works!

According to congress.

That is why I'm going to start my political career today.

Vote for me. I want to do everything you can't.

Thank you.

I'm off to start a PAC.

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, February 2, 2012

i like it when it glitters

Republican candidate Mittens Romney has been going around talking about stuff lately. Sadly, he is not talking about kittens. I truly think that should be his political stance. He should just talk about kittens at every rally!

"Hello, my name is Mittens. I like Kittens. Thank you."

"WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (that's the crowd reaction)

Well! Somebody went one step further to make his campaign even better! GLITTER!

Mittens was glitter bombed! How wonderful is that!

I like it when bombs glitter. Not like those blow uppy ones that hurt. Glitter bombs are much nicer. AND they go great with kittens and Mittens!

I think we could win every war EVER if we just glitter bomb people! Imagine the love!

Other country: "We are going to war you!"

Our country "Ok!"


Other country: "We love you! And glitter! And kittens!"

Our country: "YAY!"

World problems? Solved.

I'm off to glitter my kitten and glitten my kitter.

Enjoy Everything.