Thursday, December 29, 2011

words of the year

There are a lot of lists coming out, but only ONE that has words! (A selection of) The Top 10 Words of 2011!

Number 1 is "Occupy."

As in, "Would you like some pie?"

"No, but I would like to occupy."

"That's an awful joke. And not very tasty. Like pie. Which is tasty. Unless "occu" is some sort of combination of strawberry and rhubarb. If it is not, then please be quiet and let me enjoy my pie or you might be punched in the occugut."

Wow...that got violent fast. Some people just don't appreciate a good joke.

Another word on the list is "3Q." Which is "text-speak" for "Thank You." Cuz 3Q kinda, vaguely sounds like "thank you" in a round-a-bout-maybe-you're-a-little-drunk-with-a-mouth-full-of-marshmallows sort of way.

You know, like when you text "2B." That easily sounds like, "What are you doing on this fine day?"

And finally, my favorite, Kummerspeck. It's German. It means you gained weight from emotional overeating. Here's why I like it: It LITERALLY means "grief bacon." Which sounds like a great band name. It's also fun to say. And easily texted as "6T."

My word of the year, which is not on the list, is "Widdershins."

I know it sounds like a British tv show for toddlers, but it really means "counterclockwise."

It will also be my new nickname. Because it's fun to say. And textable as "8U."

I'm off to widdershins around.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj (widdershins) (8U)

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

that there's a space harpoon. arrrrrr

Hold onto your peglegs, space pirates! The space harpoon is coming soon!

Do you find yourself flying through space trying to catch a giant comet but failing constantly? The great minds at NASA are working to bring you the future...TODAY!

I always have a problem chasing comets. They go fast and they are hard to land on. And using a Rapala Jointed Shad 05 Lure just gets me striped bass. I don't want them, so I throw them back. Into space.

But now, with a harpoon? BOOOOOOOM! You got that comet!

I once used a harpoon to catch a rogue mountain. It was crushing ancient cities and stuff. But I caught it and it is now stuffed and mounted.

Yeah, it's a mounted mountain. (Taxidermists love that joke)

Now that NASA is looking for a few good harpoonists, I'm pretty sure they will call me up. Since I do hunt in space. And I also know how to harpoon things.

I'm also pretty good at bird calls. NASA is big on ornithology audio. (Try saying that 100 times fast!)

I think I'll actually call NASA right now to tell them that I'm ready for the job. Using bird calls.

I'm off to practice my bluethroat thrush.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, December 23, 2011

christmas letter 2011

What a year! I mean, really. What a YEAR!

It started simple enough. I was asked to help with some cloud farming. I spent 8 years in Laos farming clouds, so I'm kind of an expert. My friend, Damian, the sky narwhal, runs a fantastic cloud farm. You know those puffy clouds that reflect the sunset perfectly? Those are his.

So, Damian and I worked on that for a few months. Then, out of NOWHERE, we got attacked! I know! Who would attack a cloud farmer and his expert pal?

Halibots. Yes, halibut robots. That can shoot daggers made out of ice.

Damian and I fought these things for what seemed like hours. Luckily, I spent 5 years learning how to use farming tools as ninja weapons in Siberia. So, I'm kind of an expert. And kind of deadly with a huller.

Turns out Damian has a "history" with these guys. And it's not pretty. Before his peaceful clouding days, he was a secret agent for MI-6. And not the nice "James Bondy" kind.

This wasn't an isolated incident, either. Turns out there were hundreds of attacks on cloud farmers everywhere. This is part of the reason we had such crazy weather this year.

Determined to help my friend, we spent months finding out who was behind these attacks. We knew we couldn't do it alone, so we called up Oscar, our Peruvian tech/pancake guy. He comes in handy.

After months of confronting everyone from a guy named Gus in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin to a giant robot frog, our journey came to an end.

It was Atnas. Again. Santa's evil doppelganger. He wanted to ruin Christmas! By tampering with the clouds! I KNOW! That's so evil! And possibly so raven!

This time, we weren't going to let Atnas get away. So, we borrowed a time-hole that went back to before the universe was created and decided to trap Atnas outside of time and space. I spent...some amount of time...somewhere...working outside of time and space, so I'm kind of an expert.

Luckily, Atnas has a weakness for pancakes. Told you he would come in handy.

We threw some maple-syruped pancakes on his face and tossed him out of time.

And Christmas was saved. At least, we hope it is. That was two weeks ago. Gus escaped. And trust me, Gus could still cause problems. Hopefully that won't be until next year...

I'm off to take break from farming.

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, December 21, 2011

baking bubbles of flatness

As stated yesterday, I'm trying to bake cookies. Not only did I see a lot of sugar, I ALSO found out that there is a power and a soda for baking.

And you really have to READ your ingredients. I made cookies with baking soda and they needed baking powder. They were flat blobs of bubbling browness!

I tried one. They were still sugary, but not super yummy. About half-yummy. Just "yum" with no "my." That's kinda 3/5 yummy.

I may have also misread the amount of flour needed. So...that pile of dough was pretty doomed. Possibly even medically doomed. Like Dr. Doom...ed. The Fantastic it. (That's a cooking joke. Chefs love it.)

So I went back to the store to get some replacement ingredients. After staring at the butter for a few hours, I found baking POWDER. Aluminium Free! I like to say "aluminium" instead of "aluminum" because it's the british way to say it...and it's more fun. But it's the same thing. And I want neither in my cookies. Are there people who DO want aluminium in their cookies?! Why?! So you can say that you eat metal?!

Oh...that is pretty cool. And Robot Santa likes that. Because Robot Santa eats metal. So metal cookies are perfect for him. Or so I've heard.

He says, "Ho Ho Ro-Bot!" He's awesome.

I'm off to eat metal.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, December 20, 2011

going to louisiana to purchase sugar

Happy Louisiana Purchase Day! We celebrate this day because Napoleon, without his lucrative sugar business, had no use for Louisiana.

I have no idea why the two are connected, but I never took World Economics of 1803 in college. It was offered. And I heard it was historical and fantastical, but I decided to take World Literature Before 1600.

That was a lot of reading. And nothing about sugar.

Sugar is good. Did you know how much sugar is in cookies?! I mean, I knew they had sugar. But it's a LOT! I decided to try baking cookies from scratch and they just casually tell you to put cup after cup after cup of sugar in there!

I love it! Napoleon would have been rich with all the sugar I was using!

It's actually quite tempting when you have a bowl of sugar and butter in front of you. It's probably the best breakfast ever. I did not taste it. But I wanted to.

I bet Napoleon ate that for breakfast when he sold Louisiana.

I once wrote a song about the Tennessee Valley Authority. Maybe I should write one about the Louisiana Purchase.

It's easier to rhyme words with Authority than Purchase, though.

"I went to Napoleon to make a purchase,

He said it was a perfect...murchase...burchase?"

I got nothing.

Maybe I should rhyme with sugar.


I like it!

I'm off to write a new song!

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, December 16, 2011

just put some chocolate on it and call it a day

Turns out today is "National Cover Anything With Chocolate Day." They used to make cards for this holiday, but people would just cover them with chocolate and nobody could read them.

So they stopped.

Now they just make chocolate. For the covering of things. Any things.

What would YOU cover in chocolate? You could cover anything and EVERYTHING! Why not?!

Need a book cover for school? Use chocolate!

Need a cover band? How about chocolate!

Cover letter for a job? CHOCOLATE!


Look at all the covers that exist for chocolating!

What better way to get the weekend started off right?!

Cover it! With chocolate!

And it's more fun to sing it like 2 In A Room's "Wiggle It (Just A Little Bit)!"

(singing) Cover it...with some chocolate!

I'm off to 1990.

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, December 15, 2011

sharkbanana is brilliant

I love this item. Sharkbanana is a plush toy that has a shark coming out of a half-peeled banana. AND HE'S WHOLE-PEELED CUTE!

You can find it on Amazon. It's filled with fake reviews from people who also love sharkbanana. But they are great.

I mean, who wouldn't want to start their day peeling a banana and FINDING A SHARK INSIDE!

How awesome would that be?!

It's everything you could possibly want in a plush toy. If I still slept with stuffed animals (I do), then I would totally want one of these to snuggle with at night.

It's a beautiful marriage of two worlds. High atop the trees and deep below the ocean. It's really the surf & turf of plushies.

I am often called the surf & turf of HVAC, but this isn't about me. This is about sharkbanana. And I don't hold a candle to plushies.

I really don't. They might catch on fire. Unless they are flame retardant. Which I hear can be done with mountain dew.

So, if you're looking for something for that banana-eating, shark-loving person in your life (like me), then make sure you find a sharkbanana.

I'm off to surf and possibly turf.

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, December 14, 2011

fly from any part of your body

Have you ever put on your socks and thought, "Wow...these are lame socks. Sure they have fancy designs. Sure they are argylicious. Sure they have little robots on them. But where's the zing? Where's the zang? Where's the cape?"

Of course you've thought this! And that is why you can now buy socks with CAPES! That's right! The back of the sock has a cape sewn onto it so you can now have the pizzazz you need to make your socks SUPER!

Why aren't there more clothing items with capes? I mean, really, why can't I have some pants...WITH CAPES! It would go just below the cape from your shirt...with a cape.

And what about mittens! Mittens with capes would be PERFECT!

I already have a few capes to wear. And they are super. But imagine how much MORE supererer I would be if my socks and mittens and pants and shoes had capes!

That's, like, super times a MILLION! Plus THREE!

That is the kind of super I want to be.

And you do to. So buy socks with capes. You won't regret it.

Wear them with shorts, too. That would be totally awesome.

I'm off to find my zing and zang.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, December 12, 2011

how to throw a tailgate party

I can honestly say that I've never been to a tailgate party. I think that requires you to go to a sports-related event game. I don't know where they even HAVE sports things. Probably some big building somewhere with lights.

And even if I found one of these mythical sports arenas, I probably wouldn't be invited to a tailgate party. I'm not very fun at parties. I'm too busy reading comic books.

But! This weekend, I learned how to throw a tailgate party! It was in an advertisement I saw in a magazine! Here is what I learned from the picture so you can do it properly.

First you have to buy a "mobile power outlet." Which is like a car battery with plug holes. So you can get power to your TV. And blender.

And THAT is item number TWO for a successful tailgate party! A blender! The three people in the ad were all drinking bottles of something, but just in case they wanted to blend anything, they had one ready!

Also needed is organic ketchup. Yep! It HAS to be organic. There was no brand label, but it was definitely a ketchup bottle. And all it said on the sticker was "organic."

Finally, you need "Curly Waves." Again, this was a bag of something with no label EXCEPT the words "curly waves." I have NO idea what a curly wave is, BUT I WANT ONE! Or maybe MORE than one!

I mean, really, would you go to a tailgate party without curly waves?! NO! And you shouldn't! That's like going to a ballet with no tights. Or a beach with no water. Or a nuclear reactor with no plutonium. It's just silliness!

And that is how you throw a tailgate party. Curly waves, tights, and plutonium.

I'm off to watch an event game of sportinessness.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, December 9, 2011

you can send your list to santa, i mail it here

When you save the world for a living, there's only one place to go. The Brooklyn Super Hero Supply Co. Online at

I don't normally promote websites, but this is a matter of life or death. One day you will have to save the world and this is the place to get your gear.

Troubled by stray lasers? Get some Deflector Bracelets.

Need to be on the offensive? Go for a Photon Shooter

Have an evil lair underwater? Get some Cybernetic Henchfish!

Traveling off-world? You might want to buy a gallon of gravity.

Of course, they have capes for all occasions, as well.

See, those of us who tend to hero superly need a constant supply Not all of us can see invisible people without the special goggles. And we don't all come from mythical islands where invisible planes are mass produced.

So, Santa, until you can get those elves to start making matter and/or anti-matter, you won't be hearing from me. No worries about wasting space on that "naughty" or "nice" list. I'm good at staying on the "hero" list and OFF the "villain" list.

But Santa, maybe you should look into a cape. They have red. But I wouldn't put an "S" on it. It's already be done.

I'm off to save the world.

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, December 8, 2011

that's an expensive bedazzling

A designer in India has created a line of shirts that start at just $974! They are so cheap because they are encrusted with jewels and diamonds and gold.

He says that they are perfect to wear every day. But really, would you want to wear a shirt worth that much every day? What if a jewel fell off? You just lost $50!

Here's my solution. BeDazzler. Cheap AND beautiful.

Like they say, "don't be dull, BeDazzle!"

And really, that's basically my mantra for life. I say it every morning when I look in my bedazzled mirror.

Even yesterday after dropping a knife on my foot (or possibly the knife was thrown onto my foot by a ninja cow, I'm not sure), I thought, "I wish that was a dull knife. Then my foot wouldn't hurt as much."

But IMMEDIATELY after, I shouted, "NO! No knife! You should never be dull! Be Dazzle!"

My knife then got washed and I cleaned up the blood.

That's the exciting life of a bedazzled man.

The limping, shimmering life that only costs $19.95.

I'm off to dazzle.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, December 6, 2011

and we just got the flash back

Scientists have just found Earth 2! This is good and bad. As you know, during the Crisis, the Flash lost his life saving the multiverse. And he JUST got back to the land of the living WITHOUT any other Earths to threaten his life!

Oh was nice to see you again Flash. Even if it was short.

The planet is currently called Kepler 22b and is a comfortable 72 degrees Fahrenheit.

Named "Kepler" after the scientist Dr. Kepler who is known for his ability to choose very comfortable vacation spots.

I once found a planet very similar to Earth. Actually, identical to Earth. I call it Earth. Because it is Earth. The planet you are standing on. Nobody else ever actually said they "found" Earth, so I decided to take the credit.

Since I found Earth, I would like to become the CEO of Earth. I don't know what a CEO does or what it stands for, but it now means Chairmen Everything Of. Which, if you were talking to Yoda, would translate into the Chairman Of Everything.

Since that is COE, maybe I'll just change the letters around since Yoda isn't here to translate. And I am the founder, so I can do those things.

I can also swing on vines.

Just one of the many talents bestowed upon the finder of Earths.

OH! And I saw a caterpillar yesterday. That was cool.

I'm off to find Earths 3-52.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, December 5, 2011

don't sun, don't sun so, don't sun so close to me

Have you ever noticed how bright the sun is in the winter?! It, like, burns my eyes!

Usually I can look at the sun for a few minutes before anything starts hurting. But in the winter? It only takes a few seconds before that pain the back of my skull becomes unbearable! Like, super burnicious.

BUT! A very large man with gold teeth once told me that pain builds character and puts hair on my chest. I'm not sure what it means to build character, but I hope I have that. Because I do not have much of the hair. Maybe more pain will help.

It turns out that the sun is so close to the earth in the winter that you cannot look at it. It's about 5,000,000 km closer! THAT IS SO CLOSE!

That's almost as close as the moon! I'm surprised we all don't bump into each other. But we're lucky we don't. That might hurt.

Oh...these guys who call themselves "lawyers" are yelling at me. They're saying something about not looking at the sun. I guess it's dangerous and kids shouldn't try it. There's this nasty side-effect of not being able to see anymore.

I don't know what "lawyers" know about sunology, but I guess they have to study it to get their lawyer degrees. Maybe it has to do with passing the bar. I don't know what that is exactly, but I DO know it has nothing to do with a relay race. That was a hard lesson to learn.

I'm off to wear my sunglasses at day. (it's nice to come full circle with the 80's music references)

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, December 2, 2011

let me eat my house, thanks

Some place made a gingerbread house. Like, a real house. Out of gingerbread. The Great Wolf Lodge decided to make a 10x12 foot house out of gingerbread that fits 6 people around a table.

So, you can have dinner in a gingerbread house.

If possible, I would like to build a house, a car and a pyramid out of gingerbread.

Hopefully a witch won't kick me out while looking for Hansel and Gretel. this old lady who eats kids lives in a gingerbread house, right?

Then, for some reason, we decide to celebrate the gingerbread house by making them around christmas.

So...uh...what are we celebrating again? Am I the only one who sees this?!

Forget it! I'm not going to make a gingerbread house EVER! Do you know why? Because I think children should eat, not be eaten! That's why!

You can build all the ginger breaded houses you want, but don't expect me to eat your shrine to the kid-cooking witch!

I will destroy your gingerbread house into smaller pieces and THEN eat it. Because that's the kind of decent human being I am!

No witch ever lived in a gingerbread wall. Or a gum drop bush. Or a candy cane support beam. NOPE! I only eat the shattered pieces of a witch's life.

And you should too.

I'm off to destroy some gingerbread.

Enjoy Everything.