Monday, May 23, 2011

the toast don't fit in the slot

Why would they make bread too big for a toaster?! Who does that?!

I forgot my lunch. Again. And again, had to steal bread. Luckily, this bread was NOT old. Unluckily, it was really wide.

So, in order to toast all angles of the bread, I let it roast for a while, popped it up, flipped it, then let it roast-a-toast again!

It was a challenge, but I had toast, so I was happy.

It was also pumpernickel. I don't know if I ever had pumpernickel bread before, but it was good. Also, it is fun to say. Pumpernickel!

I am currently not as hungry as I was before the pumpernickel. That is good because I have to get a new license picture. Thaaaaaaat's a story that, legally, I probably shouldn't share.

I'm off to pumpernickel.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, May 20, 2011

giant ants can lift fifty million times their own weight

That is NOT scientific fact. But that's only because it hasn't been tested yet.

"Monstrously big ants" were found in Wyoming! By "monstrously big" we mean about 2 inches. But they can lift 50 inches times their own weight. I don't know what the volume of that is, but I think it's big.

You might think that a 2-inch ant isn't too scary. How would you feel if you saw a mosquito that size! THAT would scare the pants off me! I may or may not have been wearing pants at the time of the scare, but if I DID have pants on, they would not be there for long!

Imagine a war between giant ants and giant mosquitoes. That would be cool. I picture ants having some heavy artillery. That might only be me remembering those Army Ants toys. Still, big guns that they could lift since they are so strong.

But the mosquitoes MIGHT have a good shot with their giant blood-sucking nose thing. That would be HUGE! And probably kinda deadly!

In my head, I totally see this fight happening. It is awesome. It's too bad you can't watch it, too. OH! DID YOU SEE THAT! OUCH!

Oh can't see it. Boy, are you missing a good time in my head.

I'm off to watch the battle.

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, May 18, 2011

sweaty and sober is no way to go through life

And that is why you can buy a popsicle made out of vodka. Granted, it's $500 vodka, but it's frozen!

ALSO! If you are a big spender, you can get it with gold flakes inside for $1000!

You know what's great?! Frozen orange juice. I like the Minute Maid Kids brand. It has a smiley face on the carton.

I used to freeze Kool-Aid, too. But that got a little too expensive for me, so I don't do that anymore.

Frozen gold flakes, though? TOTALLY AWESOME! They're kind of like Frosted Flakes, but golder and with more crunch. It's the perfect breakfast to have when you want to impress a robber baron from 1929.

Robber Baron: "Tally Ho, my good friend! Are those Frozen Gold Flakes you are eating?"

You: "They are! *CRUNCH*

Robber Baron: "I'm impressed! But don't they hurt your gums like the dickens?"

You: "They do! *CRUNCH*

Robber Baron: "Bully!"

And that is why people were so prosperous in 1929. Those were glorious times.

I'm off to freeze some O.J.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, May 16, 2011

when you wish upon a squid or twinkle twinkle little squid

Wanna go to space?! Be a squid! A bobtail squid, to be more precise. Euprymna scolopes to be even morer preciser.

The Endeavour just went into space and it brought a squid along for the ride! The first cephalopod in space, in fact! They want to test the "effects of microgravity on beneficial bacteria." See, the bobtail squid has a symbiotic relationship with a bacteria...bacterium?...stuff that glows! Now they want to find out what happens to that stuff in space!

Symbiotic relationships can be tough. Just ask Spider-Man when he had the Venom suit. Actually, don't ask him. He might not want to get into it. If you do, don't tell him I told you to ask him. I want no part of that!

So this squid is now in space and the spacemen will do some tests on the little guy and then...I don't know. I guess release him into space? That could be bad, though! He could get hit with gamma radiation and turn into a giant squid and have to fight a whale for the control of the milky way galaxy!

Yeah, that joke will only be funny to a few people who like TMBG, but it's worth it to make those 3 people laugh. Giant squid is a palindrome of diuqstnaig. Okay, technically that's not a palindrome, but I like that song and that's the only thing I could think of.

Still, the thought of a giant squid fighting a whale in space would be cool. If only a bowl of petunias could join them. That would make for a pretty picture. It also makes another obscure reference that nobody will laugh at.

Two ducks were in a bathtub. One duck says, "Pass the soap." The other duck says, "No soap, radio!"


Now THAT'S funny!

I'm off to test microgravity on my shirts.

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, May 12, 2011

love the skin you're in

My arm has gotten pretty torn up lately. I've been wearing bandages to help it heal. And guess what? IT'S HEALING!

Skin is crazy, right?! It just starts connecting back together! How cool is that?!

Scientists should really study this stuff. I'm pretty sure skin is an interesting thing. I don't know why they haven't figured out what it's used for.

It's also waterproof. I see water just roll off my arm when it's raining. That's pretty cool.

Skin is probably tied for second on my top 9 organs list.

That's all. I just wanted to make sure you knew about skin. If you never noticed it before, take a look. It's neat.

I'm off to check my skin.

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, May 11, 2011

wash your nose

Have you ever been washing your face and stuck your finger up your nose? IT HURTS! I guess I wash my face to vigorously. But now my nose is clean. That's a first.

OH! Did you see that there is a movie about cowboys fighting aliens?! And there is going to be ANOTHER movie coming out with dinosaurs fighting aliens!

Now my world would be complete if we could get dinosaurs vs. aliens vs. cowboys vs. ninjas vs. robots!

THAT is a movie that I would see! Put that in 3-D and you have a HIT!

Give everybody lasers and swords and stuff! Especially the dinosaurs. I want them to win the fight. Mostly because they look cool when they have swords and lasers.

But partly because dinosaurs are HUGE AND WILL RULE THE WORLD! And build GIANT NINJA-ROBOT-DINOSAURS!

That is all.

I'm off to wash my face...if my dinosaur overlords allow it.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, May 9, 2011

thor uses a hammer

So I saw Thor yesterday. I HAD to. It's in 3-D. And it has Thor.

It could have used some more action and fighting and Thor-hammer stuff, but it was good.

Thor's hammer is cool. Mjolnir. It's, like, a Norse word or something. I don't know how to say it.

I would like a hammer than I can throw at giant metal monsters. And have it return to me. And help me to fly.

I currently only have a hammer that injures me when I try to hit nails. And when I threw it at a frost giant, he laughed and ate it.

I won't say how I got the hammer back, but whatever, it still works.

And by works, I mean it still hurts me when I try to hammer things.


...still nothing. I keep yelling that hoping it will come. So far a paper clip, a cassette tape and some windshield washer fluid have flown to me. No magical hammers.

Eh...I need all those things, so it's not that bad.

I'm off to MJOLNIR!

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, May 4, 2011

let's talk about bread, bay-be

I had some old bread yesterday. (Why do I talk about the least exciting things ever? I don't know.) It was best before Feb. 27. After? Eh...not the best, but okay.

I HEAR that fridge-bread lasts longer. Is two months TOO much longer? According to the bread's owner, from whom I stole the bread, it IS okay. I also found out it is NOT okay to steal bread from her again. Because she has a heavy shoe that is good for throwing. And hitting me. 

Did you have a bread drawer? Like, the metal drawer with a slidey cover? What's the point of those? Don't they have holes? Wouldn't the bread just dry out?

I like banana bread. I would like to try other fruit breads. They are moist.

OH! Happy Unofficial Star Wars Day! "May The Fourth Be With You!" There was a big announcement today. They made it complicated to find out what was going on, but it's just a 9-disc blu ray thing.

I don't have blu ray. I'll stick with bread ray. That I buy and not steal from large-footed women.

I'm off to get fresh bread.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, May 3, 2011

you can still get that typewriter you've always wanted

Now, I have to be honest, I once saw a typewriter at the store for a few dollars and regret not buying it. I mean, it's a typewriter! Why wouldn't I want that?!

One BIG reason NOT to get a typewriter is that they are basically useless. You can't save anything. Or delete. Or, well, most stuff that a computer does for you.

There was a story last week about typewriters not being made anymore. THAT IS FALSE! It seems they ARE still being made. Why? I don't know. They just are. Because there are people who, like me, think it would be neat to have one sitting on a shelf getting dusty.

It makes us feel like we'll write that novel someday. On a typewriter. Because that would be cool.

Full of typos, but cool.

I wrote a novel once. I mean, I call it a novel, but some people call it a notebook full of squiggly lines.

To those people, I say, "Learn my language!"

They usually respond by hitting me and stealing my milk money.

The joke is on them, though, because my milk money can only be used in three countries. And the United States ain't one of them!

Good luck finding milk in Oman!

I'm off to get more Rials.

Enjoy Everything.