Thursday, March 31, 2011

don't hit jupit-awww...that's gonna leave a dent

An interesting question was posed the other day. Why do UFOs have lights? I found this article online. Basically, he said if beings from another planet wanted to make themselves known, they would just land and give us candy. But, if they wanted to just OBSERVE us and not chat, why would they have SUPER BRIGHT LIGHTS shining from their space craft?

It's a good question. Why DO aliens need headlights? If they can travel millions of light years to get here, don't you think they could avoid hitting a planet without the need for lights? Are they really not going to see the Kuiper Belt without some illumination going on?

I mean, if humans can create a Roomba, I'm pretty sure somebody with a background in intergalactic travel can figure out how not to hit an asteroid while moving!

Unless, of course, they just come here to disco. Which is understandable. All those flashing lights ARE pretty. And who doesn't love a good disco?

And that's why cows are always missing after a UFO comes by.

I'm off to boogaloo.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, March 29, 2011

i can totally believe it's not butter

I cleaned out my fridge this weekend. I didn't even know I HAD stuff in the fridge that needed cleaning out! I don't really use it too often. I think I use it for 4 things. Orange juice, apple juice, rice milk and spinach.

But! It turns out that I bought a "spread" a few years ago and never used it. It wasn't butter. I don't really know what it was. It's in a tub that is similar to what they put butter in. But it wasn't butter.

It was VERY stinky when I opened it, though! The kind of stink that makes you open all the windows and light 5 candles. Even after that, I could not get the stink out of my nose.

AND this thing was...a thing. I don't know how to describe its form. It was this thing that looked kinda like a chunk of melted plastic. But breathing. I'm pretty sure it was breathing.

Or pulsating. Or something. I don't know what it was doing, but it was doing it. Also, I think it was trying to contact other alien beings. Or maybe trying to take over my mind. I KNOW that I heard it talk to me using telepathy.

It told me to buy more spread.

Out of fear, I hammered it down the sink into the pipe blades that reside under the sink hole.

There it met its timely death.

You don't have to worry about it taking over your brain or telling you what to do.

Let's hope it did not get its message to the others.

I'm off to buy more spread.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, March 25, 2011

lance stardust: comet hunter

In 1999 NASA launched the space probe "Stardust." A "comet hunter" that followed a comet and sent us samples of the comet trail.

I want to be a comet hunter! I would change my name to Magnum Chase and ride a space sea horse! I could have a laser lasso that would catch comets that go rogue!

Like if a comet tied a damsel to some intergalactic train tracks! I could swoop in to save the day. With a laser lasso!

That would be awesome.

I would also only eat toast. Because I know how to make toast. Even in the frozen depths of space. Where it would stay fresh. Since it would be frozen.

I used to want to be an architect. I think I'll go for "comet hunter" instead.

Thank you Stardust. You're an inspiration.

I'm off to make toast.

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, March 24, 2011


I have a sister-in-law. Which is cool. I got her a little while ago. It didn't really register until the other day, though. It started when my brother got married. I guess there is no law saying he is my brother. But we do share the same parents. As far as I know.

But this "sister-in-law" thing sounds kind of demanding! I mean, does there really need to be a "law" for it? I actually think she's a cool person and would happily just say she IS my sister! She's pretty much family! She does all sorts of stuff WITH the family.

Even if she didn't want to be my sister, she is still the wife to my brother. So why "sister-in-law" instead of "brother's wife?" Why does the law have to get involved? Every time the law gets involved, I'm usually getting handcuffed. I don't like that part.

If she owned a pet, would that be my llama-in-law?

OH! If she owned a sword, would that be my sword-in-law?! So legally, she HAS to let me use it! Since, in law, it is my sword!

I hope she has a sword. Made out of diamonds. I should ask her. Maybe the llama has it.

I'm off to check with the law.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, March 21, 2011

tis the season to be vernal

I always heard of this equinox as the VERNAL equinox. The other things were the summer solstice, winter solstice and autumnal equinox. So I was GOING to ask why we call this Spring and not Vern!

BUT! I found out that summer and winter are NOT the official seasonal names! They are estival and hibernal! I know! I had never heard that before, either!

I gotta admit, I DO love the word "estival." It makes me think of a festival. But less effy.

If I ever got a pet hedgehog, I would name him Estival.

"Estival! ATTACK!"

That's what I would yell a lot. Estival would be an attack hedgehog. Kind of like Sonic the Hedgehog. But meaner. And faster. And he could shoot molten lava from his hands. And fly.

That's why you don't mess with Estival.

Vernal tried to mess with Estival once. Vernal doesn't do that anymore. Vernal also doesn't walk in a straight line anymore.

Happy first day of Vern!

I'm off to celebrate the season.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, March 18, 2011

like like like like like like like

Okay, I know you probably already know this, but I just wanted to make sure you knew this.

You can "like" anything you post on facebook. Really. Because, the fact that you posted it did NOT imply that you liked it. You have to officially like what you wrote.

Why would I post something I didn't like? Do you post things you don't like on the off chance that somebody else might like it? I didn't know facebook posting was so altruistic!

Yeah, I said it. Altruistic! I have no idea what that means, but I'm pretty sure it means "posting things on facebook for other people to 'like' and stuff."

I think I'm going to "like" everything I post from now on. Because some people might not think I liked what I posted if I don't officially stamp it with a "like."

And why is there still a "poke" option? Does anybody even do that?

People used to poke me with a stick. I didn't "like" that. I didn't like it either. Quoted or not, it was painful and annoying.

Maybe I shouldn't let my emotional scars ruin my facebook time.

I'm off to "like" a "poke."

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, March 16, 2011

of course they're real

So some people did a study asking other people whether they thought lightsabers were real or not. Do you know what they found? Only 24% of people thought they were real!

What?! Don't they teach kids science anymore?!

That's like saying unicorns and water don't exist. Hello! They're practically everywhere!

I'm pretty sure I'm made up of mostly water. And restly unicorn.

I also may or may not own a lightsaber.

If you prefer to (correctly) choose the "may not" option, please feel free to purchase one for me for my birthday. Or just because it's Wednesday.

I may or may not already own a ninja sword, but just in case I lose that, a lightsaber would be nice.

So if I were to ask you, "Are koala bears and lightsabers real?" You would have to answer, "Yes."

That's how we do it in science.

Also, in science, we know 42 disco moves that can reboot a computer.

Don't hate it. It's just science.

I'm off to conduct surveys.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, March 14, 2011 monkle

I almost forgot about this! I love sharing my dreams! Isn't it fun to talk about your dreams with people?

I don't know why. I guess because they are so odd.

So, I was auditioning to be a monk. Because, like American Idol, you have to audition for it. But, in my dream, monks have to take a vow of silence.

For part of my audition, I had to teach another monk some very important monk history. And I couldn't say anything while doing it.

Luckily, monk history was Batman. So, in my dream, all I had to do was think about the comic book picture and the other monk understood what was going on!

I don't know if Batman is really an important part of monk teachings, but I truly believe it should be.

Oh, after teaching some Batman stuff, the head monk asked me if I was ready to be a monk forever.

Then a school bus pulled up and I decided that I couldn't not talk for the rest of my life.

If a school bus shows up, you know some major decision will be made. It's just the way of the universe.

And my dreams.

Happy Pi Day. 3/14

I'm off to do more Batman research.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, March 11, 2011

rollin' with my oaties

Why are there rolled oats and oatmeal? Are they different or something? Should I just look it up on Wikipedia to figure out what is going on?

Okay, so I did. They're kinda the same thing. Except that the oatmeal usually has the bran coating removed from the rolled oats.

Wow. That was interesting.

I don't think I've ever had rolled oats.

That's all I got. Nothing exciting.

OH! Have you ever taken a bath in oatmeal? That's supposed to be good for you! Or stop chicken pox or something.

Rolled oats might not be good for that. With all that bran. Maybe they're better for a sore knee.

OMG! I TOTALLY have a sore knee right now!

I totally want some rolled oats. For my knee. And to eat. They sound yummy.

Rollllllllled oats.

Wouldn't it be cool to have an oatmeal sword or something! I could fight is oatmeal good for again? "It may prevent heart disease." Okay, so I could fight evil heart disease! With an oatmeal sword!

I could see that in World of Warcraft.

I'm off to meal my oats.

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, March 9, 2011

don't panic on panic day

It's panic day! Don't Panic! Or Do!

I really don't know what you do on panic day.

I've heard that people panic at the disco. I can't understand that! The disco is all about fun and bubbles!

How can you panic when there are bubbles?!

I guess you might panic if you were in Disco, Wisconsin. Mostly because it's an unincorporated area. And if you ever get a flat tire there, you never know what kind of cell signal you'll get.

But, if you take a short walk east-northeast, you can go to Black River Falls and enjoy the Hoffman Aquatic Center with their heated pools, body slides and tumble buckets!

That's what I call an accidental vacation!

Panic at the disco? More like Party at the tumble bucket!

Tumble Bucket would be a good name for a band.

I'm off tumble my bucket.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, March 7, 2011

a cold and the flu

Why is it "A" cold and "THE" flu? Why does cold get such a "it's one of many" title?

There are all sorts of different flus! Fluse? Flues? ... Types of flu!

"THE" makes it sound like it's the one and only. Like: THE Batman. THE Mona Lisa.

Not: "A" Crime Fighter or "A" Painting.

The cold doesn't get enough respect. That's right. I called it THE cold. How often do you get a cold?

A LOT! It has EARNED your fear and respect!


That should be a t-shirt.

I don't think I'll give flu the title of "THE" anymore. It's just a flu. One of many. Every animal has one, so WHOOPIE DOO FLU! You're so UNspecial that you give a flu for every phylum!

I'm off to wash my hands.

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, March 2, 2011

watch out for my death ray

Scientists have a death ray! And they are giving it to the Navy?!

It's a super powered laser that can fire blasts of energy at the speed of light! Why give up that power?!

Scientists could rule the world! That would be sweet! There would be a holiday for EVERY element on the Periodic Table!

Why celebrate Arbors and Labors when we could celebrate Thuliums and Astatines! Happy Rutherfordium Day!

Sure Rutherfordium has no practical use, but does St. Patrick's Day? It's just fun to celebrate different halogens and lanthanoids! Maybe YOU could become "reasonably stable" like Thulium, if you know what I mean (because I don't).

Of course, if scientists ruled the world with their death ray, we'd probably have to all wear lab coats. Luckily, I hear that style is all the rage these days. Scientists will read this and LOVE my ideas. Remember me when you're looking for a vice-ruler.

I'm off to find more yttrium for my TV.

Enjoy Everything.