Thursday, December 23, 2010

in case you're interested in my year

A lot of people write letters to their friends and family about what they did during the year. Or maybe they talk about their kids or their pets or whatever. Well, I decided to do one to! So, this is what I sent out with my xmas cards this year. And I just HAD to share it with everybody!

Christmas Letter 2010

So the year started off pretty normal. Then the vortex came. Granted, the psychic goose told me to expect a rift in time/space, but not so soon!

So, in January, I had to take a few days off of work for extra-dimensional adventures. The world of XhrT was under the rule of a tyrant and they needed a hero to save the day. Luckily, under their weak star, my normal human strength was pretty hardcore. So, I took down the evil ruler and ushered in a time of peace and prosperity. It was cool.

In February, Cupid needed help dealing with a gang of mutated eagles from the sewers. Luckily, I’m pretty great with a bow and arrow and we took out the whole gang. AND made a few people fall in love. Only two people fell in love with the eagles. Cupid’s fault, not mine. I can thread a needle standing on a haystack from 80 clicks.

I also ate a lot of apples with peanut butter. It is really good.

Then, the epic battle for Christmas began! See, not a lot of people know this, but Santa has a doppelganger.

An EVIL doppelganger. So, this Atnas and I had to battle it out. Atnas wanted to take over the world. Unluckily, the big star we call the sun is the same here as it is here. That means no extra strength.

I had to do it the old-fashioned way. With an army of Fabulous Robots, lasers and swords.

The Fabulous Robots are a gang of swanky robots who know how to take care of business. By that I mean they could beat up Atnas’ goons lickity-split.

The battle raged for months. Between work, reading comics and battling the evil Atnas, it was a pretty busy June-November.

As Atnas and I were battling over the burning ruins of the lost Arctic city of Amarcta, we knew one of us was going to walk away a winner.

I looked into his eyes as our swords clashed and smiled.

He said, “Why are you smiling?”

I looked at him and said, “Because I know something that you do not.”

He said back, “And what is it.”

I said, “I am not left handed.”

BOOM! Christmas was saved. For this year.

And that’s what happened in 2010. What’s next for 2011? Well, the psychic goose did tell me that I should expect a visit from the clouds. But that can’t be too bad, can it?

Until next year.

THAT is how I spent my year. I hope your year was just as exciting.

I'm off to take a break and celebrate.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

return to sender by looking on the back flap

Not to sound like a 90's comedian, but what's up with the return address on the back of the envelope flap?  I've noticed it becoming more popular over the last few years. 

It might be old news to you.  Maybe people have been doing it for years, but I'm not used to it yet.  I look at the envelope and I get all excited to get mail and I can't see who it's from. 

THEN!  After 20 minutes of looking at the front of the envelope and seeing my name.  And a stamp.  And my name.  And a stamp.  And then my name again.  Then the stamp again.  Aaaaaaaand...yep...that's my name.  What about...nope...that's the stamp again.

(flip letter)

There it is!  On the back!  NOW I can open the letter because it is from somebody I trust.  Or not trust, but at least know well enough.  Well enough in the sense that my mail won't have an angry fish or something in it. 

There needs to be a "mail-looking-at" training course for people like me.  I'm skilled in many things.  Being a ninja.  Being a pirate.  Being a ninja pirate.  Being a pirate ninja.  But looking at envelopes is NOT one of my strong points. 

I also didn't know that you COULD put it on the back.  Do they care where the stamp and return address are on the envelope?  If not, can I just stick it in random spots?  Maybe put a few of them on there?  Is that okay?

SEE?!  I don't know the rules! 

Sometimes life is just too complicated.  Next time I'll just send a telegram.  Perhaps a singing one.  That will be much easier. 

I'm off to lick my stamps.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, December 17, 2010

salsa under the tree

Do you know what I LOVE?!

Holiday Tortilla Chips!

I think Tostitos makes them.  They are red and green!  NICE! 

Who wouldn't want to eat that?  It's perfect with a tomato salsa OR guacamole! 

This is why I love the holidays!  Red and green are great colors.  And they look even better on a tortilla chip. 

I do know that tortilla chips come from corn.  I guess they have to breed red and green corn.  That corn only blooms in December.  Lucky for us, it's just in time for Christmas! 

It's weird, but that's what I heard. 

If you are having people over for anything holiday related.  Or just red and green related.  You should buy these chips.  They will add a level of sophistication to any party. 

Maybe some day they'll be able to invent a green tomato and you can use that if your guests don't like guacamole. 

Or perhaps a red guacamole!

What is science doing?  Why aren't they working on this?

I think I'll write a letter to science letting them know what they should do.  It worked last time when I asked them to invent a green apple.  They're cool like that.

I'm off to get a stamp.

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, December 15, 2010

just follow the moving light to the action

What is it about spotlights that make you have to see what is going on?  I saw some of those bright spotlights from the highway the other day and just HAD to see what they were promoting!

Or are they searchlights?  I don't know.  They're the same thing.  Those BRIGHT beams of light you see swiveling from some sort of red-carpet event. 

I see those and just think they are amazing! 

And sometimes, if I pretend real hard, I can see the bat signal.  So, I kinda think they are summoning Batman. 

Okay, I don't know if they are for sures, but I HOPE they are! 

I just like the bright lights. 

Like a moth to the flame.

I like that song, The Flame.  It's good.

I'm off to be the flame, I will be the flaaaaaaaaaame.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, December 14, 2010

you would say that it glowed

I'm a little confused about this "Rudolph" character.  If he's so "famous," how come we can't "recall" him? 

See, for many years, nobody remembered this guy.  As they say in the song, "But do you recall, the most famous reindeer of all?" 

If he really WAS the most famous of them all, why couldn't we remember him?  Should we really need to "recall" him?  That's like asking, "Do you recall where your rib cage is?" 

The rib cage is pretty famous.  And we all know about it.  No need to ask.  Nor recall.

And this "nose" that he has.  It doesn't ACTUALLY glow.  But every time I see him on TV, it's like a flashlight.  But technically, it's just shiny.  So, in order for his nose to give off good light, light has to hit it first.  I don't understand much, but I do understand basic specular reflection.

So this "famous" reindeer isn't so famous at all, but we're told to believe he is.  And you would SAY that his nose glows, but it's only shiny.  Which, really, couldn't guide a sleigh unless it was sunny out.  And when it's sunny, do you really need a shiny guide? 

Is there a conspiracy in the air?  Maybe.  Or maybe this "Rudolph," or whatever his real name is, just has a really good marketing team.

Either way, I have no idea what I'm talking about.

I'm off to shine my nose.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, December 10, 2010

hello, my name is robot, and I'll be your server

A new restaurant in China is run by robots!  There are six robot waiters and two robot hostesses. 

I guess they have genders, since there are no waitresses and no hosts.  I don't know.  I'm just telling you what I saw in the article. 

You go to this place and eat food that was delivered to your table by a robot.

Which SOUNDS awesome, but haven't they ever seen "2001: A Space Odyssey!"

Do you really want a robot telling you what you can eat or not?  Because, really, you KNOW they are correct.  They're robots.  And robots are never wrong.

Except that one time a robot told me that my tight leather pants didn't look cool on me.

That robot was just jealous of my totally rad, rock and roll style. 

I bet that after I left that party, the robot got a pair of leather pants just like mine.

Those robots.  What do they know.

Unless they take over the world, then I'm all for leather-panted robots. 

You robots look totally swanky.  Seriously.  Leather pants AND a fedora?  Awesome.  Please don't shoot me with lasers.

I'm off to buy my fedora. 

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, December 9, 2010

from diamond sea to...whoa, diamonds?!

One of those random planets that planet-looker-forers found is REALLY big.  And FULL of carbon!  That means, according to no scientists and one headline writer, it could be MADE OF DIAMONDS! 

Wow!  Diamonds everywhere!  Imagine what we could do with that! 

We could make cars out of diamonds that run on diamond fuel!

I could make a Fortress of Solitude like Superman.  Except made of diamonds! 

I could wear underwear MADE FROM DIAMONDS! 

The world could be run by DIAMOND ROBOTS!

The possibilities are endless! 

Endless...until we run out of diamonds.  So...kinda endless.  But with a possible end.  More like, endlessish.

Yeah.  That.

So, if you want to live on this possibly-covered-in-diamonds planet, you'll have to travel about 1,200 light years.  Which won't take long IN YOUR DIAMOND SPACESHIP POWERED BY DIAMONDS!

I'm off to my fortress of solitude.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, December 7, 2010

banana concerto No. 82 in B minor

A fruit company in Japan plays music to their fruit.  They get bananas.  Put them in a "banana ripening chamber."  Then pump Mozart through the loud speakers.

The bananas prefer Mozart's String Quartet No. 17 and his Piano Concerto No. 5 in D major. 

The fruit company has found that it makes for a sweeter banana.  Not a banana that will walk you across the street, but rather a banana with a sweeter taste. 

Does this work for all fruits?  I don't know.  BUT!  The folks in Japan say that it does make for a better sake! 

I think I will try playing some Mozart in my freezer.  I have a lot of frozen veggies.  And they taste like vegetables.  But if they tasted like SWEET vegetables, they would be so much better! 

I don't think I can get my stereo in my freezer, but I DO know that my laptop fits just fine.  I'll just have to download some Mozart to my laptop and put it in there...again. 

Unfortunately, I can't check twitter while my veggies are getting sweeter. 

That's okay.  I'll just post "veggies getting sweeter so I can't be a tweeter." 

I'm sure all of my one follower will understand.

I'm off to hire a quartet for my fruit bowl.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, December 6, 2010

boring doesn't even begin to describe it

Scientists have used giant computers and complex algorithms to figure out the most boring day of the 20th century!  April 11, 1954 had nothing going on!  There wasn't any major news.  Nobody famous was born.  Nobody famous died.  Nothing interesting happened! 

Of course, you may disagree.  Perhaps you were born on April 11, 1954.  Sorry, but you are boring.  The scientists at Cambridge told me so. 

But now we have hit a Catch-22.  We just made the most boring day more interesting by calling it the "most boring day!"  How do we get around that? 

I have no idea.  And honestly, I don't care.  It's a boring day.  Can't we get these scientists and giant computers to give me free wi-fi instead of trying to figure out what's boring?  I can tell them what's boring: My day when I can't get online! 

How about fixing that?!  Do you know what's on the internet, Cambridge?!  Digital comics!  Recipes for pie!  Shakespearean-to-Modern English (not the band) translations of Shakespeare's plays! 

Okay, so that last one isn't really exciting, but it does help me understand Macbeth.  Which is really funny, by the way.  I just read it.  You should read it, too.  That whole part with Macduff trying to get Malcolm to come back to Scotland?  Comedy gold!

Heh..heh...I'm laughing just thinking about it.

Good times.  What was I talking about again? 

Who knows.  If it's my blog, I'm sure it wasn't important.

I'm off to laugh at Shakespeare.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, December 3, 2010

arsenic and old phosphorus

Did you hear about that new life form that they found?!  They found some microbe that has arsenic in its DNA! 

This is, like, a HUGE find in science!  Usually, life is made with phosphorus and some other ingredients.  Arsenic is usually toxic.  But not for this microbe! 

This means that life could be formed from totally different chemicals!  Life could be anywhere!  Made from anything!  Like cotton candy, pepper and cinnamon! 


That's not the ONLY discovery I heard about!  Did you hear about Dark Energon?  Yeah!  I saw that on the new Transformers tv show the other day!  The Decepticons totally found some Dark Energon, which is WAY bad!  I can't wait to see what happens!

I don't know why that's not in the news, too.

OH!  And I also had a great pear yesterday!  That's cool because getting a pear when it is PERFECT to eat is tricky!  THAT should be in the news too!

Phew!  A lot of excitement going on these days.  I hope I can keep up with it! 

I'm off to study my phosphorus.

Enjoy Everything.