Tuesday, November 30, 2010

promotional consideration paid for by the letter x

A friend of mine texted me over Thanksgiving and told me to have a nice "X-Giving." How great is that!?

"X" is a cool letter. It's tied in first place by the letter "Z."

I think I like Z because it is in my name. But it also has that cool ZZZZZZZZ sound!

X is cool because...well...it just is! Mostly because it's at the beginning of the X-Men. And X-Force. And many other X-Teams from comic books.

So, X-giving is like a part of the X-Men! Like Wolverine! Except...a turkey...WITH ADAMANTIUM CLAWS! AND BEAK!

I'm a big fan of writing X-mas instead of Christmas. For the same reason. I NEVER thought about doing it with EVERY holiday! Now I am TOTALLY going to do that.

X-ukkah. X-entine's Day. Xthday (for birthday). X of July. X Year's Day. Xster. X-umbus Day.

And so on.

That is how you celebrate a holiday. With mutant powers.

And adamantium claws.

I'm off to mark the spot...on my x-endar!

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, November 29, 2010

rhubarb: the other root-lookin' stalky vegetable-fruit

I thought everybody had pie.  But, it seems like pie isn't really what Thanksgiving is all about.  It's about turkey and stuffing and...stuff.

My family has always had a LOT of pies at Thanksgiving.  Like, ten pies or something.  Cherry, blueberry, multi-berry, crunch berry, apple, pumpkin, lemon meringue, etc...

I always ate very little turkey and mashed potatoes because I wanted pie!  But this weekend, a non-family member said, "You guys have a lot of pie.  There's almost one per person!"

I said, "Yeah...isn't that what you do on Thanksgiving?"

Little did I know that most people do not do that.  And that is why I love my family.  Because we have pie-tacular traditions.

Even though I've had lots and lots and lots and lots of pie over the years.  Lots of it.  I never had strawberry/rhubarb pie. 

I found out that it would be featured at this year's feast and was a little skeptical.  With a name like rhubarb, it doesn't really sell itself. 

HOT.  DIGGITY.  DOG.  It is so good!  Strawberry/rhubarb pie has the potential of becoming my third favorite pie.  THIRD!  And if it keeps getting better, we may have to have a tie for second. 

With websites, festivals and t-shirts, rhubarb is a very popular vegetable-fruit.  I say vegetable-fruit because it's a vegetable, but it's taxed like a fruit in the United States because it is used like a fruit.  I don't know how fruits and vegetables are used differently, but fruits have lower taxes. 

I don't know if that's fair or not, but I don't care.  As long as I get my pie. 

I'm off to find a vegetable-fruit.

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

where does chicken soup come from

I like soup.  It's good.  I buy it a lot.  But I have only bought tomato-based soups lately. 

You may say, "Well, chicken soups are great!  You should buy them, too!"

Okay, I get that.  But where does chicken soup come from? 

I've seen tomatoes.  They have juices in them.  In fact, you can buy whole containers of tomato juice!  I can see where the liquid for soup might come from. 

But a chicken...isn't juicy.  Well...it is...but it's in a way that makes my mouth sweat.  And not in a good way. 

So what DO they do to get chicken soup?  Do they squeeze a chicken so the juices come out?  And people are okay with heating that up with some rice? 

I'd much rather squeeze a tomato than squeeze a chicken. 

But that's just me. 

You can squeeze all the chickens you want. 

Oh yeah, Happy Thanksgiving. 

Do they squeeze turkeys, too?  I hope not.

I'm off to find a tomato. 

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, November 23, 2010

it makes my mouth sweat

Okay, so I heard somebody say that phrase today.  The "it makes my mouth sweat" phrase.  And I wasn't sure if it was totally gross or a compliment. 

Like, does it mean something is "mouth-watering?"  Or is it supposed to be totally gross? 

It SOUNDS like the grossest thing possible!  And now I feel the urge to say it all the time. 

But if it's a compliment, then I'm not sure where to say it.

You: "How do you like my new plaid and striped outfit?"

Me: "It makes my mouth sweat!"

You: "..."

Me: "That's a compliment...right?"

You decide! 

Also, I saw three jugs of milk outside my apartment the other day.  It was chilly out, so I think they would stay fresh.  It's just not something I'm used to seeing when I get home from work. 

I don't think the milkman/milkwoman leave the big one-gallon jugs, either.  They usually have glass bottles.  If they even have milkpeople anymore. 

Maybe they only deliver to houses with smokey chimneys.  Those are mouth-sweat worthy, right?

You decide!

I'm off to sweat in my mouth...it just sounds so vile, but I don't know!

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, November 22, 2010

can you even do that anymore?

I was driving yesterday.  In my car.  Because that's how I drive.  Unless I'm driving something else.  Like a goat.  With a steering wheel. 

But yes, my car.  So, I was driving my car and saw smoke coming out of a chimney.  I know!  I didn't know that happened, either! 

I mean, I've seen it on TV and movies, but in real life?  Is that even legal?  Do people actually heat their homes with an open flame? 

That seems really dangerous.  I mean, fire burns things.  Like wood.  And the house was made of wood.  That's just ASKING for trouble! 

Now, it might sound romantic, but really, take a look around your house.  Anything flammable?  ALL OF IT! 

So that's your lesson.  Fire kills comic books.  It's dangerous to have fire around things of value.  Like comic books.  And people.  And my collection of dry wood in the shape of Disney characters from the 1940's. 

Yeah...they seemed like a good investment at the time. 

I'm still hoping they go up in value.  If you're looking for some, I can sell'em at a good price.  The Harry Horse is very rare.  Ten bucks and it's yours.

I'm off to put out the fire. 

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, November 18, 2010


The Dieci.  That's Italian for "El Ten." 

What is it, you ask?  It's a brand new coffee/espresso drink in New York.  It's 10 shots of espresso in JUST ONE CUP!  That's right!  It's the best way to start your morning if you have to do A LOT of stuff!  It also saves TONS of time!

For example, if you have a business meeting, chug a Dieci and watch the meeting just fly by!


Thank you."

And THAT is how you get a meeting done. 

By the way, that employee just got promoted to President.  OF THE WORLD!

That's why you should drink the Dieci.

If anybody actually reads that, you are REALLY dedicated.  And I love you for it.

I'm off to find my espresso.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, November 16, 2010

let's just get some correction fluid on that degree

Years ago, I went to college.  Westfield State College, to be precise.  And now they have changed their name.  They are now called Westfield State University. 

For a while, I wondered if I went to Westfield State College or Westfield State University. 

I have my answer!  They sent me a letter asking for money.  And they should know by my degree that I don't have any.  BUT, they had a little letter telling me that I can get my diploma changed to reflect the new name! 

Awesome!  Can I also get it changed to reflect my studies in dragon-slaying?  I'll have to ask about that. 

If I knew where my diploma was, I might make that change.  I'm pretty sure I have one.  I remember wearing a cap or something and walking up to shake somebody's hand.  So, I think I graduated. 

I really can't remember.  I was too busy trying to figure out where I was going to live the next day. 

I found a place.  I wonder if my diploma is still there?  If I find it, can't I just write University on it somewhere?  I have a blue crayon that looks like the same color as the writing on the diploma. 

I can also draw a picture of me slaying a dragon.  THAT'S a diploma worth hanging up!

I'm off to change my name...and degree.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, November 15, 2010

bathrooms and bottles of milk

What a CRAZY weekend! 

I would love to tell you about my adventures in bathroom cleaning, but you don't want to hear about it.  Seriously.  It was very frustrating. 

I mean, I've always cleaned my bathroom, but I've been feeling the need to make my bathroom cleaning time more earth-friendly.  That plan...did not work out...

But I DO have a nice collection of wet, dirty towels now!  And a nasty sponge! 

ALSO!  I was driving on 91 this weekend.  I think I was going south.  Yeah...definitely south.  And the sunset was really pretty behind the mountains.  So, I wanted to pull off the highway and find a good spot to take a picture.  Well...that also...did not work out.  After a few twists and turns, I found a large milk bottle. 

I think it was fake.  I have no idea WHERE I was.  Somewhere rural.  And somebody had a large monument to bottled milk on their property. 

Sadly, I did not get a picture of the pretty sunset.  Also, I got a little freaked out by the large bottle and did not take a picture of that, either. 

You would panic, too!  I thought I entered a land of giants or something!  I had no idea what was going on!  I was lost, it was getting dark, and all I could see were giant milk bottles everywhere!  Nothing is scarier than giants who get plenty of calcium.

It's enough to make a grown man cry. 

Which I did not do.  Much.

I'm off to find some tub cleaner.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, November 12, 2010

the outer space tastes like raspberries

Scientists were licking around space and found out that it tastes like raspberries.

Okay, so they weren't actually using their tongues.  They were using a tongue that looked more like an IRAM telescope that could see electromagnet radiation. 

Similar to a tongue.  Mine, at least. 

While they were tasting space, they found an abundance of ethyl formate!  I know!  Amazing! 

Oh, ethyl formate is the chemical that gives raspberries their raspberry flavor.  But you probably knew that already. 

So if you were to go lick space, it would taste like a raspberry!

Unfortunately, they also found a lot of the deadly chemical propyl cyanide. 

So, I guess space tastes like RASPBERRIES OF DOOM!

If you buy some raspberry jam and it says "Manufactured in a facility in space with propyl cyanide," I wouldn't eat it.

But that's just me.  I don't like raspberry jam...of doom.

I'm off to lick some space.

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, November 11, 2010

lint rollin' in my homey

Have you ever used a lint roller on your carpets at home?  It's amazing what a vacuum cleaner doesn't pick up! 

There are a surprising amount of shimmery things.  I don't know WHERE they come from, but almost every time I roll the sticky sheet across the floor, something is shiny. 

There are also a lot of hairs and pebbles and dusts.

It's really quite interesting.  You should try it sometime. 

You'll almost feel like you can eat off the floor! 

I wouldn't, though.

Unless it was something really good.  Like a pie-cake.  Then it's kind of okay. 

Also, part of my finger went numb.  It just happened, like, a few seconds ago.  I don't know what's going on with that.  I hope the feeling comes back. 

Huh...weird...I keep pinching it...aaaaaaand...nothing...

I'm off to roll my lint.

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, November 10, 2010

kosher dots for christmas

I got some Christmas Dots yesterday.  You remember Dots, right?  Those gum-drop things that taste SO good! 

The great thing about Dots is that they are Kosher. 

The GREATER thing about Dots is that they come out with fun holiday flavors.  Like the Christmas Dots that I just bought that are cherry, lime and vanilla!

The GREATEST thing about Dots is that they all taste the same!  No matter what flavor they say they are! 

I once had a manager at CVS who would have Tropical Dots and a Coke for lunch every day.  He would always sing some line from a Jimmy Buffett song.  "It's all about the water, don't ya know.  It's all about the water, the H20."  I have no idea why I remember that.  He was nice.

Still, you gotta love Dots.  Really.  YOU GOTTA!  Dots are always a go-to candy.  You can NEVER get sick of them.  NEVER. 

Dots are also sticky.  So they're great for making a funny face on the wall. 

I'm off to put Dots on stuff.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, November 8, 2010

when a pumpple just isn't enough

A little while back I talked about the Pumpple pie-cake.  It's a pumpkin pie and an apple pie in-between layers of cake.  But since that wasn't enough to satisfy people's appetites, we have the Cherpumple!

The creator, Charles Phoenix, has made a youtube video on how to make it.  Basically, you put a whole apple pie into a spice cake batter.  Then bake it up for your bottom layer.  So it's just a coating of cake around the pie.  Then, you put a pumpkin pie into a yellow cake batter and bake it for the middle layer. THEN you put a cherry pie into a white cake batter.  Bake it.  And that is your top layer! 

I'm not sure why people should stop there, though.  There are so many more wonderful pies to add!  Like blueberry, for a Blucherpumple!

Maybe throw in a Rhubarb for a Rhublucherpumple!

Or just go crazy with a Raslemkeystrawpecsweepocochocreampeachrhublucherpumple.

Then just find 15 different cakes to bake them all into.  And that is what you can bring to every party you have over the holidays!

Just make sure people have sturdy tables. 

And very large plates.

I'm off to open a bakery.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, November 2, 2010

votes in space

Three American astronauts on the International Space Station voted from space.  I THINK that means they had to vote for the governor of space.  And maybe some representatives or something. 

Space elections are tough because you have to put on your space suit before you go into the booth.  The booth is usually floating around.  You just have to be ready for it when it goes by. 

I voted in space once.  I voted for Galactus.  The ballot didn't say much.  It just said, "Who do you vote for?" and under that it said "Galactus." 

So, I figured I would go for the winning team.  He won.  But then the Fantastic Four had to get rid of him for trying to eat the planet. 

Well I didn't know he was going to do that when I voted for him!  Sheesh.  If I HAD known, I would have written in Silver Surfer or something. 

I am NOT an advocate for planet-eating. 

Unless the planet is a cupcake.  Then I might look the other way.

I'm off to vote it up.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, November 1, 2010

so a nerd walks into a...oh wait, that's me

I broke my glasses.  I don't know how it happened!  I was just cleaning them before I went out so I could have a clear view of the world.  And "snap!"  They just broke in half.  Right on the bridge of the nose. 

I'd get new ones, but my insurance doesn't cover...um...stuff.  Like glasses and doctor visits and whatnot.

So I taped them back together.  Luckily, I have white tape.  Because, from what I've seen, that's the only way you can really tape your glasses together. 

Well, if you want to look like a total nerd.

I know it's old-school, but that's how I roll.  And, really, any other color tape might just look funny. 

Okay, so the white tape looks funny, but it's better than purple.

Or maybe not.  Hmmmm...I should get different color tape and change it up!  That would be totally cool! 

But maybe I should look up the word "cool" in the dictionary first.

Just to be sure.

Oh yeah, and nerd stands for "Never Ending Radical Dude."  Like me.

I'm off to clean my glasses...gently.

Enjoy Everything.