Friday, July 30, 2010

snail races

England has snail races.

So...there you go. Yep. They race snails. Because it's fun...I guess...

They have to go 13 inches. Why 13? Because any longer and people would fall asleep.

Sidney, this year's winner, did the course in a speedy 3 minutes and 41 seconds.

That almost seems too fast, but Sidney was tested for "speed enhancers" and was found clean. He's just a fast snail.

It would be cool if snails had, like, a jet engine in their shell. And a laser gun. OH! And missiles!

The shell could open up into a whole battle station! On their back!

If they could use all those things in the snail race, THAT would be pretty hard core! Like Snail Death Race 5000!

But it's not. So...there you go. Snail races.

I'm off to trick out my snail.

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, July 29, 2010

leg window

Did you ever get into a hot car and just open all the doors to air it out a little? Isn't that breeze against your legs nice?

It is! So why don't we have leg windows? Just a little window that opens up around the knee area? Crack those open in the front of the car and feel the breeze!

Sure, there might be more rocks blowing into the car, but whatever. I can deal with a few bruises when I have that extra breeze!

And sure, at a stop sign, a small mammal might crawl into your car. But again, there is a comforting breeze! And who wouldn't want a friendly lemur or armadillo or anteater to come along for a ride?

Good idea, right? I'm pretty sure I'm a genius and should probably get tons of money for this idea.

Pretty sure.

I'm off to breeze my knees.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, July 27, 2010

lost stuff in space

A few cosmonauts (that's Russian for astronaut) were hanging out at the International Space Station this morning and...well...dropped a few things.

Fyodor and Mikhail were working on the station's new research room and things got slippery. Woops!

What did they drop? They weren't sure. Looked kinda like an attachment fixture. No biggie. They got some wire they can use to attach the new cables. Kinda like a twisty-tie.

Then an hour later, ANOTHER "something" started floating away. Uh-Oh! Butterfingers!

It's a good thing they have plenty of wire up there!

Mikhail: "Oh crackers." (translated from Russian)

Fyodor: "What?"

Mikhail: "Uh...nothing. Hey, you said we got some extra wire, right?"

Fyodor: "Yeah, why."

Mikhail: " might wanna get that extra wire, though. And maybe a twisty-tie."

Phew! Problem solved.

I'm off to learn more Russian.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, July 26, 2010

crab queen

Ocean City, NJ is holding their 37th Annual Miss Crustacean Beauty Pageant for hermit crabs.

This implies that they have done it 36 times already.

1. After 36 years, how have I not heard about this yet?

B. What is going on in Ocean City that they decided to have a beauty pageant for crabs!?

It's based purely on good looks. No questions or bathing suits or anything. The prettiest crab wins. They win a crown and a cucumber trophy.

Hermit crabs look like they'd be good knights. They already have a suit of armor on. They have pointy legs. It would be pretty cool to have them fight stuff like evil demons or jellyfish. The crabs of the round table with King Crab Arthur.

OOOOH! And one could have a wizard hat! Merlyn the Hermit Crab! Or maybe he would be Hermyn the Hermyt Crab.

I'm not very good with English to Old English to Hermit Crab translation. I didn't even know there was an English to Old English to Hermit Crab conversion until I made it up just now.

Do you have a pretty hermit crab? Well you better get to Ocean City! The contest starts soon! But if you miss it this year, it seems pretty likely that they'll do it again next year. I mean, if nobody stopped it yet...after 36's prolly gonna happen again.

I'm off to decorate my crab.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, July 23, 2010

ninja time

Are you a ninja? If you are, that's cool. If you are NOT, welllllllllllll then, have we got a deal for you!

There's a guy in New York who will teach you "effective methods of self-protection" including "how to avoid the assault of a sword."

He can teach you how to be a ninja for only $195 a lesson! That's a bargain!

So, if you're looking for something to do this summer. Why not become a ninja?

Or maybe get a gift certificate for a loved one so they can become a ninja? I heard grandma wanted to learn some kenjutsu.

Even if she didn't say that, she was totally thinking it. All grandmas love ninjutsu.

I'm off to practice effective methods of self-protection.

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, July 22, 2010

jelly vs. pitch

Or Fish Versus Fork! A jellyfish started attacking people at a beach in New Hampshire so a lifeguard grabbed a pitchfork and forked the jellyfish!

I want that lifeguard at my pool! A pitchfork?! It's like a trident! Maybe the lifeguard is actually Poseidon, God of the Sea! He used to carry a trident around.

How cool is that?! It's like Clash of the Titans around here! Giant mutant jellyfish are attacking the people and Poseidon, dressed as a lifeguard, is protecting humanity!

Can you imagine fighting off those tentacles with a pitchfork? Pretty awesome! I bet people tried shooting it with lasers first, but that didn't work.

OOOH! Maybe there was a damsel in distress, too! But Lifeguard-Poseidon (scuba gear sold separately) forked the giant, mutant jellyfish and it let her go. Then he caught her. And she looked into his eyes as his long hair was blowing in the breeze and said, "Help Poseidon. You're my only hope."

The battle went on for days, but everybody is now safe.

So, that was pretty epic. Oh, and if you actually read a news story about this, it might be different than what you just read, but mine is the truth. Newspaper people just didn't get all the facts. I did.

I'm off to find my trident.

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, July 21, 2010

chuck e. cheese

So there's a mouse named Chuck E. Cheese. He seems like a decent guy. He owns a pretty sweet business. Pizza AND games! Now THAT'S how you make money!

But what is his middle name? E. That's all we know about him. I did some research and found two possibilities. And it took me a LONG time to find these! Mr. Cheese did NOT make this easy!

One rumor is that it stands for "Entertainment." Now, that seems fun, but not likely. When have you EVER met anybody with the name Entertainment? Never. It's barely a real name.

The other rumor is that there is no middle name. They just wanted it to sound like Chucky. But instead of calling him Chucky, they made sure you said his middle initial. That seems odd, too. Why even bother? Why not just call him Chucky Cheese? It's the same thing, isn't it?

There seems to be a lot of rumors and half-truths surrounding this Chuck character. I'm kinda thinking he might be one of those Russian spies. Or maybe he's a U.S. spy working in the Pizza and Gaming Agency.

Or the P.G.A.

WHOA! That's also some golf thing! This conspiracy goes deeper than I thought! It's a good thing I'm writing this from the safety of an underground bunker. I can already tell that they're after me.

So be careful. Golfers who love pizza and using coins to win things with tickets are a very dangerous group of highly trained ninjas. You have been warned. Hopefully you'll hear from me again. You never know who's listening.

I'm off to get some "pizza" and "games" and "secrets."

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, July 19, 2010

write like right

I heard about this site called "I WRITE LIKE" or something and I tried it. Basically, you copy and paste some of your writing onto the website and it will analyze it and tell you who you write like.

Turns out, after trying three different blog entries, I write like three different people! Dan Brown, Chuck Palaha-somethingish, and Stephen King.

I actually haven't read anything by any of them. I did use my UFO blog from last week and that was the "Stephen King" write-like. Maybe I got SK because I wrote about UFOs. But I also wrote about baby ducks, which aren't scary. Unless he wrote a book about ducklings that kill you with quackness.

Or maybe they have eyes that turn into knives and shoot out at people! Those would be some scary ducklings! I would call that movie "What The Duck?!"

It would also be in 3D. Like "How To Train Your Dragon." But different...because it doesn't have dragons.

Turns out this blog is also written like Stephen King. I guess it's scary. But not in a "Cujo" kinda way. More like a "why do they let this guy write blogs" kinda way.

I'm off to write like me.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, July 16, 2010

the china ufo

Wow! Did you see that? It was a UFO in China! I watched the video. It's totally cool.

I guess it happened last week, but the videos and pictures are just coming out now. And nobody seems to know what it is.

If they do know, they aren't talkin'!

They had to shut down the Xiaoshan Airport for an hour to let this thing pass! It was like when you have to wait for some stray ducklings to cross the road.

Maybe it was a little lost ship crossing the space. It just needed to get across the sky to get to its mommy. And that stopped air traffic.

So don't be mad! It's just a baby! It doesn't know any better! Give it a break!

Sometimes you can lure baby spaceships across the sky faster with bread crumbs and plutonium. I don't know why they didn't try that.

Baby spaceships are cute. And it's funny when their feathers get all ruffled up.

I'm off to find some bread crumbs.

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, July 15, 2010

cow day

Today is Cow Appreciation Day!

To that I say, "What has a cow done for me lately?"

You may think a lot, but I'm not so sure. I don't really eat burgers and I don't drink milk. Not because I'm a vegetarian or anything. I just don't like them very much.

I do have a leather wallet that I bought about 12 years ago. It's a "Legend of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time" wallet. I got it from Nintendo. It's a good wallet. It has lasted a LONG time. I guess I appreciate that. I'm pretty sure it's made from cow. I don't know for sure, though.

Did you know that there is a I just found out! I haven't played a Zelda game in a long time. I used to love that game. I loved it so much that I bought a wallet about it!

Cows are cool, I guess. They do seem to like Shakespeare. So, they're cultured.

Anyway, hug a cow today. Unless that's dangerous. Then don't. I don't know if they have boundary issues or not. I do. If a cow wants to hug me, there may be a problem.

I'm off to cow town.

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, July 14, 2010

feel the bastille

Bastille Day needs better PR. Did anybody even know that it was Bastille Day? I barely knew it. I found it on a scrap of paper on the sidewalk. That's how little people care.

But they SHOULD care! In 1789 people in France turned off TV and stormed the Bastille dungeon!

The monarchy was all, "You don't like French Idol? YOU GO TO JAIL!"

And the people were all like, "That's not fair! I want to watch NCIS!"

And the Kings and Queens were all like, "That's not a bad show, but you HAVE to watch French Idol! Until they invent some sort of device that lets you record two programs at once, you will watch what we tell you to watch!"

Remember, this happened way back in 1789 and they didn't have the dual-tuner DVR yet. They also yelled a lot.

So, they started a revolution.

But nobody even cares! In honor of my love of French stuff like fries and dressing and Renoir, I'm starting a new ad campaign for Bastille Day.

Loud sound of thunder: "BADOOOOOOM!"

Deep voice guy: "FEEL THE BASTILLE!"

Thunder again: "BADOOOOOOM!"

Then a bolt of lightning flashes across the screen: "FLAZASH!"

Deep voice guy: "IN FRANCE!"

Then big explosion sound: "BOOOOOM!!!!!!!"

And that is what gets people excited.

I'm off to record two things at once.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, July 12, 2010

it sounded good

Soooooooooo...I was reading some stuff about food this weekend. I came across an article with the 10 best things to do with Nutella.

Now, as you should know, I'm a HUGE fan of Nutella. I started using it very recently for pretty much everything. Sandwiches, dipping, frosting, scrubbing, cleaning, mailing, you know...everything.

One thing I never tried was putting a spoonful in my coffee! I don't know how I missed that! This article told me to do that. They said it would taste great!

It! Did! not. Which is really weird because it totally should. Instead, it just tasted kinda icky. So I made a new coffee and just snacked on the tub of Nutella separately. That was MUCH better. Nutella makes a pretty good breakfast. Not a pretty good coffee.

Now, I won't stop you from TRYING this, but you have been warned. Warn-ed!

I'm off to Nutella the sink.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, July 9, 2010

secret agents

I always KNEW that the government had secret agents, but did you know that they have secret, SECRET agents?

Like a chupacabra? If you don't know, a chupa is kinda like a vampire, hyena-looking-ish creature that drinks the blood of goats. Most people thought they didn't exist, but they do. The government has them. Well, they WORK for the government, at least.

Obama put one in Arizona to "encourage" them to repeal the new immigration law. It's true! I read the news story online!

I'm pretty sure the government also has dinosaurs working for it. I saw a picture once of Obama riding a triceratops to work.

And Rahm Emanuel has a unicorn that he races with on the weekends. He doesn't ride the unicorn. They race each other. Rahm is very fast.

Oh, and there's an unconfirmed report that General Patraeus has an army of centaurs. Just in case they are needed...for something.

I thought this only happened in comic books! I didn't know it was real! (And it does happen in comic books. For related stories about "mythical" creatures working for the government, feel free to read the comic books "Proof" and "Perhapanauts.")

I'm off to race a unicorn.

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, July 8, 2010

bring me 3-D

I love that movies are in 3-D now. It's so much better. I can't even watch a movie if it isn't in 3-D anymore. It doesn't look real. I can TOTALLY believe a 3-D movie.

And that is why I want comic books to get in on this 3-D action. Comic books are a tough sell these days. BUT, if they were in 3-D, I bet EVERYBODY would buy them! Why would you read a book when you could read a comic book in 3-D?!

I know there is all sorts of new technology for the new 3-D movies, so there has to be some way to make comic books look totally rad in 3-D.

That's all. I just kinda want that to happen.

Maybe if we all join hands, we can make it happen. Or an online petition. I've heard of both of those things working in the past.

I'm pretty sure 3-D comic books would bring world peace. I saw a study on it once. I may have done the study in crayon on the back of a paper placemat, but it was still a study.

100% of the people I asked said that it would create world peace. I asked myself and that was my answer. 100%.


I'm off to start holding hands.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, July 6, 2010

poet laureate

There is a new Poet Laureate! Yes! I also have no idea what that means! I think it has something to do with lassoing a poet. But maybe it has to do with rhyming cowboys.

Wonder Woman is cool because she has a golden laureate.

Whatever it is, W.S. Merwin is the new Poet Laureate.

I like this guy. Wanna know why? He feels that punctuation is too confining. I'm not talking about being on time. I'm talking about all these periods and question marks and apostrophes that we use. They hold him back! He says that we don't use them when we talk to somebody, so why use them in writing?

Love it. Punctuation is SO yesterday. No punc. is the new black. I don't even know why I'm still using them now.

Non-poets probably think Merwin is a loose cannon. And they'd be right. I think he's the inspiration for Jack Bauer from 24. When Jack would recite poetry. Which he did often, but it always looked like he was yelling at people. Remember: loose. cannon.

I'm off to punctuate.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, July 2, 2010

fire to the works

LOTS of fireworks are happening these days! It is the 4th of July weekend where we celebrate the Byzantine Empire's arrival in America to find freedom of interchangeable parts.

And they beat up a bunch of robots that ate trees. Which was helpful to the paper industry. Along with interchangeable parts.

It was a good year for paper.

And we celebrate with fireworks! Yay! I love fireworks. My favorite thing is waking up 4th of July morning and finding fireworks under the tree.

Remember Jubilee from the X-Men? She could kinda shoot fireworks from her hands. Okay, so they weren't EXACTLY fireworks, but close enough. They were plasmoids that exploded. Still pretty cool.

I dressed up as Jubilee for a 4th of July party one year. They told me it was a costume party. I SWEAR they said that!

I guess they were joking. You should look up a picture of Jubilee and then imagine that on me. It was pretty hot. Especially the jean shorts.

I'm off to fire up the works!

Enjoy Everything.