Monday, November 30, 2009


I found this list of things to do when you're bored. I don't know who made this up, but it is some of the strangest stuff I have ever seen.

And I think I love them.

Thing #2: Fry up some marbles and make marble jewelry. Apparently, you can't eat them. My dentist told me that, so I know it's true. BUT! You can fry them and crack them to make jewelry. It does not work as well with chicken. Because the jewelry is too tasty. And it doesn't work well with rubber. Because frying them is very smelly.

Thing #4: Adopt a word. I guess this means you adopt a word. I don't know if there is paperwork to sign or if you're allowed to adopt words from Malawi, but I can't see why not. This is good for those holiday parties coming up. You can impress your friends with your newly adopted word.

Friend: "How are things?"

You: "Great! I just finished all the paperwork for the adoption process!"

Friend: "Wow! I didn't know you were adopting!"

You: "Yep. I just adopted defenestrate. I figured that nobody was really caring for that word. I mean, it's not like you hear it every day. So, I wanted to give it some love and attention."

Friend: "Ooooookay."


Maybe you could adopt a third world word for somebody as a gift. For only a dollar a day, I will use that word. All the money will go to me so your word will get the care it needs.

And rice. I think words like rice.

I'm off to adopt a word.



Tuesday, November 24, 2009

not not

I am not going to not talk about the health care bill. Since Senator Charles Schumer has declared that "We're not going to not pass a bill," I will not make comments not referring to the senate debate not not happening soon. (And since Schumer doesn't care about split infinitives, I may or may not care either.)

I will not be talking without double negatives. Which, I'm pretty sure, is not going to be not annoying.

Actually, if I'm not telling you the truth, I may not be annoyed already.

I'm not sure if that does not make sense, but in my head, nothing already doesn't.

So, when you're not eating too much food not on thanksgiving, do not think about what's going to happen in the senate because they are not going to stop talking about the bill until after the holiday.

Basically, I'm not telling you not to enjoy thanksgiving.

Did I examine this blog to make sure all my double negatives actually negate each other? No, I did not. Now, I'm not going to say that I did not mean anything I did not say, but I'm not sure if I didn't actually say anything at all.

I'm off to be more positive.



Monday, November 23, 2009


Would you want dynamite stored near your house? The people in Westfield don't. The latest Westfield scandal is that the town wants to store dynamite on the border of a residential area.

Adults do not want dynamite near their homes because they think it's dangerous.

And it probably is. BUT, when you were a kid, how much would you have loved to have dynamite stored near your house!

Would I have snuck into this place to steal dynamite? Probably not. But I have friends who would have done it for me.

Would I have blown up a tree or something? Absolutely.

Would it have been stupid and dangerous? Oh yeah.

Would it have been worth the trip to the emergency room? Totally.

Oh, and in case you're worried about this facility blowing up, the dynamite explodes vertically. Seriously. That's what they said to make us feel better about it being there. I guess standing next to it will prevent any major harm.

I'm off to see what happens when you blow up a pile of leaves. Vertically.



Friday, November 20, 2009

new moon

So there's a new movie out this weekend. From the Twilight series. Pre-sale tickets outsold Star Wars: Episode III.

And I'm the geek?

Let's compare. Vampires and werewolves are cool. Not the ones in Twilight, but I'll give them credit for trying.

I'd like to see Jacob fight Chewbacca. Who would win? CHEWBACCA! Chewie is one bad mutha!

I'll admit that Luke Skywalker is kind of a wuss. He toughens up, but still, Edward could probably beat him up.

Yoda, though. Not. A. Chance. I mean, seriously! Did you see Episode 2? Yoda SCHOOLS Dooku in lightsabering! Edward would look at Yoda all broody and say something lame like, "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb."

Yoda would stare him down and say, "Stake your shiny chest with a lightsaber, I will. Mmmm."

Then a couple of "vvvvvvvvmmm....vvvmmmmm...vvvvvmmmms" later, Yoda is standing over Edward. And Jacob. And any other lame people in the movie. And then Chewie and Yoda chest bump. Because that's what hardcore people do.

I'm off to make more lightsaber noises.



Thursday, November 19, 2009

really? bacon again?

Do people really need everything to taste like bacon? Couldn't they have picked something yummy like cherries? Or sugar?

Mmmvelopes are envelopes that have a "bacon design" and when you lick the glue to seal the envelope, you get the taste of bacon in your mouth.

If I never wanted to use the mail again, I would buy these. Do people really like bacon THAT much?!

I did create "flavored glue" for envelopes for a science project once. I don't remember what I called them, but I put Kool-Aid onto the glue so you could taste grape when you licked it. They didn't really work. Maybe I should have made them bacon-flavored.

Perhaps I should make bacon bagels. And bacon coffee. And bacon gummy bears. Bacon is where the money is.

If money tasted like bacon, I bet more people would eat it. I wouldn't, so I would be the richest person in the world. Except, I would never carry money around because I don't want to smell like bacon. It's a Catch-22.

Don't ask me why.

I'm off to bring home the bacon.



Tuesday, November 17, 2009

thank you wall

I have a birthday and I have a facebook page. Since I have those two things, everybody knows it is my birthday and is posting, on my wall, some sort of happy birthday message.

I do appreciate this. Especially since I never post anything on anybody else's wall. Not because I don't like them, but because I can't mentally spend that much time on facebook. I wish I could, but I just can't.

But, what is proper etiquette for facebook birthday messages? Do I send back a thank you comment? Should I just leave the wall alone? What if I really like one wall post and I want to comment on it? Will that make the other posters jealous?

Anyway...I'm bored with facebook. I was wondering, can a taxi go to a drive-thru window? And if they do, who orders the food? Will they drive up allowing me to talk into the speaker at Wendy's? Or, do I tell the taxi driver what I want and give them the money?

I always wondered this. I also wonder if I could ski to work sometimes in the winter. I never tried, but I would like to.

I'm off to sign on and off facebook.



Monday, November 16, 2009


I was lucky enough to have a TV in my room when I was a kid. It was great. It was pretty small. 12-inches maybe. It had a small speaker under two channel-knobs. I don't know what they're called, but one knob was VHF and the other was UHF.

This amazing TV gave me cartoons and sitcoms and spanish movies in the full spectrum of black and white. That's right, black and white.

Now, that was a long time ago, so it's time to move on, isn't it? Not to some folks in England, I guess. 30,000 people in the UK still use a black and white television! 30,000! That's a lot of people!

Color TV was invented 50 years ago! I know there are some stubborn people out there who won't get a cell phone or an email address, but seriously...holding onto your black and white television is BEYOND stubborn.

Unless they are color blind. Then I'm sorry.

If they are NOT color blind...then it's time to make the change to color! Look around your TV. What do you see? Red curtains? Maybe a blue rug? Yellow knick-knacks? Well, you have all the makings of a color TV set!

Of course those folks will never read this because they don't have a computer. Granted, nobody reads this, but them even less so because they still believe computers are powered by Uranium. Heck, they might not even know that Uranus has been discovered. If the Earth isn't the center of the universe, then they don't want to hear about it.

I'm off to watch TV in magical colors.



Thursday, November 12, 2009

built for two

I was in my automobile and I saw some folks riding a bicycle. Multiple people riding one bicycle. It was a bicycle built for two.

Now, that's all fine and dandy if you're old and want to ride through a park on a sunny day with pretty piano music playing, but to make that your main form of transportation? Is that normal?

Granted, I don't know if it was their ONLY form of transportation, but it sure looked like it. The couple, in their 40's maybe, was riding the bike with some grocery bags. I guess it allows the two of them to still shop together, which is sweet, but still...who decides that a bicycle built for two is a better idea than a car?!

I guess it's a better choice than a bicycle built for one. Then one of them would have to ride on the handle bars, and that's not very comfortable on long trips. It wasn't so bad when I was 10, but my behind isn't as resilient as it used to be. Not as resilient, but still fantastic.

I'm off to ride on the handle bars. (Or, for you Messiah fans, Handel bars. HA! I just thought of that joke.)



Tuesday, November 10, 2009

comic books are full of nutrients

Some amazing scientists have figured out what most of us knew all along. Comic books are just as sophisticated as other forms of reading.

BAM! Take that Dan Brown! Let me put a whole bunch of words on a page with no pictures. Blah, Blah, Blah, LAME!

The research found that, and I will quote them, "if you really consider how the pictures and words work together to tell a story, you can make the case that comics are just as complex as any other kind of literature."

If you can't understand that scientific mumbo jumbo, let me explain. Comic books are awesome.

The end.

We are one step closer to my own personal utopia. Now I just have to keep funding the research that proves candy is good for you.

I'm off to (I'm sure you can guess this time) read comic books.



Monday, November 9, 2009

the shredder

Here's a lesson for ya...don't put things on paper shredders unless you want them shredded.

I know it seems simple, but it's a lesson that I, and my bag, had to learn the hard way. Some of you may know that I always have a large bag with me. Call it a man-bag, murse, purse, messenger's always with me. I like to have stuff with me all the time.

This bag has two straps that will hook onto the top flap so I can seal the bag. At least, it USED to have two straps. Now it has a strap and a stump.

I put my bag on one of those big paper shredders and it started to eat my bag. It was quite dramatic.

Shredder: GRRRRRRRRR! (eating my bag)

Me: NO!!!!! Let go of my bag your multi-toothed monstrosity!

Shredder: GRRRRRRRR!

I pulled out my (nerf) sword and stabbed the shredder until it gave up and spit out my bag.

I was kinda like a ninja. If ninjas beat up office appliances.

Which they do if the appliance is eating their ninja purse.

I'm off to unplug the shredder.



Thursday, November 5, 2009

i'm so pretty

What luck! I can plug my latest play AND do a regular blog because it's all related!

I've been doing local theatre for a few years now and learned how to do my own makeup. Nothing fancy, just some foundation and powder.

Well, I needed more foundation and decided to shop for it. Alone. It took longer than I thought.

I have no idea what skin tone I am. I grabbed a few, went to a mirror and held them up next to my face. I still couldn't tell. So, not only did I look odd staring at the foundation section, but then I'm trying to match my color. In the store.

I took the two colors that looked most like my hands and brought them up to the counter to ask the lady which one matched my skin.

She told me. AFTER I explained that I wear makeup because I'm in a play.

I really don't think she believed me.

I then left proudly with my cosmetic wedges and my creamy beige foundation. Never to return again.

Now, to plug the show, and show off my makeup skills. It's in Enfield for the next three weekends. It's called "The Curious Savage" and you can get info and tickets at We'd love to see you there!

I'm off to put my face on.



Tuesday, November 3, 2009

stay together

The Malaysian government cares about your marriage. They are doing everything they can to keep families together. Including some helpful advice to keep the marriage fresh.

They encourage women to wear lingerie and perfume. That sounds like some decent advice, right?

They also encourage men to bathe and wear clean pajamas.

What?! What are men doing in Malaysia?! THAT'S their advice?!

I'd be a stud in Malaysia. I even change my underwear. Daily. Look out ladies.

I may even put on deodorant. Whoops...I think some of you ladies just fainted. Sorry about that, I should have told you to sit down.

I'm off to put on some clean pajamas.



Monday, November 2, 2009

taste my words

Have you ever heard of gustatory auditory synaeshesia? (Can we just call it GAS for short?) People with GAS (I promise I'm not trying to make a joke there) can taste words.

So, if you are talking to someone with GAS, then your words will make them have a particular taste in their mouth.

Supposedly this is real. Some guy in England has it and says that The Lord's Prayer tastes like bacon. And when people speak to him in German, he can taste jam. (Sounds made up, I know.)

My speaking voice tastes like honey and gummy bears. I mean, I don't know for sure, but I think it does. That's what I taste when I hear myself talk.

I bet the word unicorn tastes like cotton candy! And giraffe tastes like caramel!

But does the word cherry tastes like a cherry? Or does banana taste like banana? And do snozzberries taste like snozzberries?! Hmmm...

I'm off to listen to myself talk...mmm...honey...