Wednesday, September 30, 2009

super glue

I hate super glue. Or, if you'd rather, cyanoacrylate. I know it's effective in suture-less surgery and fragging. If you are a doctor or coral enthusiast, respectively.

I also know ballerinas love it when they have a shank problem. But seriously, it's such a waste of money. You buy this little tube that is only good for one use. It's nearly impossible to use the same tube twice.

It also gets all over your skin and pajama pants. Luckily, those two things weren't touching when that happened last night.

And for those of you out there saying that you never have a problem? You're lying. And for lying, I will glue your pants to your shoes.

On the plus side, looking up cyanoacrylate allowed me to use the words fragging and shank. I don't really know what they mean, but they sound fun!

I'm off to super glue a fragging shank.



Monday, September 28, 2009

hand shower

Our sink faucet at work has a button on top that lets you change how the water comes out. Instead of the normal round waterfall, you can change it to a shower-type spray.

When I was a kid, my kitchen sink had something similar, but it was mostly for cleaning dishes because the spray was stronger than the regular faucet spout. The one at work is gentle.

It's like a soothing shower. For your hands. And I love it.

It's like washing your hands under a mountain stream with the wind rustling through the trees. There are bunnies and deer around enjoying relaxing music from a harp. Maybe a few mermaids are resting on the rocks. Stream mermaids, not those ocean ones.

Then I finish washing my hands and I'm back at work. No bunnies. No deer. No harps.

At least the mermaids are still here.

I'm off to the wash my hands again.



Friday, September 25, 2009

the power of one wheel

I bet you were riding your unicycle the other day and thought that it would be so much easier to use if only it had a motor on it. That would save you from all that pesky pedaling that you normally have to do.

Well you can thank the fine folks in Japan for making a unicycle with a battery that will move ON YOUR COMMAND! You can move forward by leaning forward! Want to go left? You lean left! It's that simple!

I bet you never thought you could unicycle with such ease! And with a top speed of 3.7 miles per hour?! WOOOOO DOGGY! Look out world! I may leave a trail of FLAMES behind me!

I may...if I'm directly in front of somebody lighting matches.

Does anybody even ride unicycles? Why would you? To weave through crowded streets better? Or just to look dorky?

I think I'll make life easier for people and create a unicycle with an extra wheel for stability. I'll call it the dual-wheeled unicycle.

I'm off to find somebody with a pack of matches.



Thursday, September 24, 2009

big bears

A company is now selling giant gummy bears. For $30, you can get a gummy bear that is 9.5 inches tall and weighs 5 pounds.

That's about 1,400 regular gummy bears. Or about 90 servings.

They are calling it the world's LARGEST gummy bear. All I can say is, "Really? That's as big as they could get it?"

When I'm being told that the world's largest gummy bear is available, I'm hoping for something that is AT LEAST 5 feet tall. I want something that will allow me to drive in the carpool lane. I also want something I can eat in the carpool lane.

Don't get the wrong idea...if you gave me this 9.5 inch gummy bear, I wouldn't throw it back in your face and say gummy-tinged obscenities. I would still eat it. But after 90 servings, I would crave more. So it's best to buy me two.

It comes in three flavors. Red, green, and blue. I'm fond of red flavor. But I also like green flavor. Blue flavor is good too.

I'm off to find the world's largest gummy worm.



Wednesday, September 23, 2009

run like the wind

Can you run? I can't. It's hard. I've been going to the gym for a while and enjoy the elliptical. I have found out that running is WAY harder than that. I can elliptical for about 30 minutes and not have a problem. If I run for about 10 minutes I'll collapse.

I got up to 13 minutes the other day. I was pretty excited.

I decided to run because I figure running has more real world applications than ellipticalling.

For example: If an elephant starts chasing me and all I have are elliptical skills, it will probably catch me immediately and beat me with its tusk or a lead pipe or something.

If I can run, I may come across a cache of ancient samurai weapons within 7 minutes of my 13 minute limit (and 'minute limit' is also really fun to say!). Therefore, I could defend myself with a wakizashi or a naginata and possibly extend my life a little bit.

Even though elephants are trained in many forms of martial arts, I'm pretty skilled with a wakizashi.

I'm off to run.



Tuesday, September 22, 2009

rock your socks

Hold onto your socks, kids! This news could quite possibly rock them completely off! Even if you have some of those tube socks that go all the way up to the knee. Fully. Knocked. Off.

And if you're wearing ankle socks, then I wouldn't even bother looking for them. They'll be out of orbit. We'll find them on Mars in about 300 years.

Are you ready for the news?!

I bought socks.

Okay, so I was being a little dramatic, but I was going for a whole sock theme. I really wanted to talk about socks because the socks I bought came in a re-sealable bag. Like a ziploc freezer bag. Except for socks. Which I wouldn't regularly put in the freezer to keep fresh.

Maybe you do. I can't imagine the NEED for a ziploc top for my socks. I suppose it would keep them from being knocked off, but only if properly stored and zip-locked.

What the heck is that zip thing really called, anyway? It's not really a zipper. It's definitely not velcro. It's a thin strip of plastic being pushed into another piece of plastic.

Hold on...I gotta look this up...

Okay, I can't find anything except interlocking curvilinear grooves, but that sounds more like a bunch of mathematicians breakdancing.

Which actually sounds pretty entertaining.

I'm off to put on some new socks.



Monday, September 21, 2009

i love nasa

Why? Because they can build light-clouds. Like a sky-firefly.

There are these clouds called noctilucent clouds that light up. They are really, REALLY high up in the sky and are visible ONLY when the sun is below the horizon. This creates a cloud that lights up EVEN AT NIGHT! How cool is that?! The earth does some pretty amazing things, right?

Well, not to be outdone by the earth, NASA decided to create their own noctilucent cloud. And they succeeded! They also accidentally succeeded in lighting up the East Coast with flashes that people thought were aliens.


If we can make clouds that light up the sky, we won't need street lights anymore! We could save billions in electricity. Granted, it probably cost NASA billions to make one cloud, but it's still pretty cool.

Is that the only reason I love NASA? No. NASA is also sweet and caring and writes me love poems. Like this one:

"I've seen the universe
I've seen the moon
but the world is empty
without yoon."

Eh...the thought is there.

I'm off to light up the sky.



Wednesday, September 16, 2009

won't you be my neighbor

I wanted to talk about my neighbors moving away. I wasn't sure what to say, but it seemed so significant that I should write about it.

I don't know why it's important. It's not like I ever TALKED to my neighbors. But I always wanted to. They lived below me in my apartment complex. They seemed really nice.

Of course, they might NOT have been nice, but I'm pretty sure they were. And possibly still are. Now I will never know, because I never went down to borrow a cup of sugar so I could bake a pie.

I'm afraid my dancing caused them to move. Sometimes my dancing is loud. So maybe they didn't want to talk to me either. Since I thumped around dancing. While baking a pie.

So, farewell people who live below me! Or, at least used to! I never actually knew your name even, though we were only separated by a few feet of floor.

I'm off to do the pie dance.



Tuesday, September 15, 2009

weak water

I'm convinced that my water loses pressure throughout the day. You might think I'm crazy, but I'm not.

It all started after I lost water. Then lost hot water. When it came back, the water started getting tired at the end of the day. I suppose I can understand that because I get tired as the day goes on, but water never did that before.

I'm afraid water is tired of giving us so much. We've taken water for granted for far too long. It just doesn't feel appreciated.

Me (to myself): hmmmm...I turn on the faucet, but the water is barely coming out.

Water: Eh...I'm just not in the mood to flow.

Me (to water): But you have to water! I need you!

Water: yeah...whatever...zzzzzzz (that is the sound of water sleeping)

It's time to show water we care! Maybe next time you wash your hands, say thank you. Or when you take a shower, yell out "I love you water!"

Water doesn't have to quench our thirst. But it does.

I'm off to buy a box of chocolates for my water.



Friday, September 11, 2009

fancy friday

Casual Friday was cancelled today. It's true. I have the memo to prove it. I didn't know it could be cancelled, but it was. The reason? Basketball.

Since our studios are located in the Basketball Hall of Fame, a bunch of famous people were coming by for the Enshrinement.

Enshrinement is a fancy word meaning "getting your picture put up in the Hall of Fame."

Unlike school being cancelled, I still had to go to work. Casual Friday was cancelled, but Friday was not cancelled. It just changed its name. Fancy Friday.

I bet fish don't have these issues. Lucky water-breathers.

I'm off to casualate.



Thursday, September 10, 2009

week of jelly bean

Did you know that it takes a week to make a jelly bean?! That's a long time! 7 whole days have to pass before that jelly bean can be enjoyed by your tummy.

Let this be a lesson to you. Appreciate the jelly bean. It went through a lot to give you a moment of happiness.

The jelly bean is born and grows up for 2 days. Then has 3 days of soul searching. Finds nirvana the next day. And finally celebrates a Bar Mitzvah on the last day. Or a Bat Mitzvah. Depending on the flavor.

After they shout "Mazel Tov!" at the jelly bean factory, the bean is packaged and shipped to you.

How do I know all this? I looked it up on the internet. Well, the internet that I wrote on a piece of paper. I call it Papernet Explorerfox.

I'm off to write more internet.



Tuesday, September 8, 2009


I was out this weekend and heard somebody say that their favorite color was orange. That's right, orange. Have you EVER met anybody whose favorite color is orange?! That seems like the strangest color to have as a favorite!

It's just I can understand colors like blue or pink or even yellow. But orange?

I mean, I guess it's okay for sticky notes. You can't miss an orange sticky because you'll look at it and WANT to do whatever you wrote on it just so you can take the sticky down!

I have to admit that orange is my favorite color of juice. I do drink orange juice every morning. Sometimes, when I'm feeling a little crazy, I may even drink it at night. But don't tell anybody. I'm a little ashamed.

Orange is the name of a really good album by Jon Spencer Blues Explosion. I'm pretty sure you never heard of them, but you should listen to that album. It's pretty awesome. Even though it's called orange. And the disc is orange. That was my first CD. that I think about it, my second CD was also orange-colored. It was The Flaming Lips album Clouds Taste Metallic.

I guess orange was a popular color in the mid-90s. At least it was to the bands I liked.

I SUPPOSE orange is an okay color. But a favorite? Eh...I'm still not convinced. Stick with black or green or something.

Is it your favorite color? I can't imagine that it is. Unless it is in juice form, but that's different.

I'm off to relive the mid-90s.



Friday, September 4, 2009

time to go to fiji

Pants are not allowed on Sundays in Bua Island, Fiji. Men have to wear the traditional sarong instead of pants.

Finally! I am SO moving to Fiji! Pants are so "pantsy", you know? You gotta put one leg in AND THEN put the OTHER leg in! It's, like, so much work!

A sarong? Simple. Tie it around my waist. Done. It's time to relax.

Don't like relaxing? That's fine too! Pants hold you back from performing totally sweet kung fu kicks! So, on a Sunday, if you are attacked by angry, mutated prawns, you can fight back with your awesome kung fu moves and win!

If that happened on a Monday, you would be a slave in the prawn empire!

Thankfully, mutated prawns only attack on Sundays. So with my sarong in tow, I save the world week after week. With my funky kung fu moves.

I'm off to pack my bags for Fiji.



Thursday, September 3, 2009

hopped up on jerky

You may know that beef jerky is one of my favorite topics. Ever. The thought of dried beef is so odd to me. I'm just fascinated that it even exists.

Also, I'm always excited when people add caffeine to products.

Well, somebody has finally added two of my greatest joys! Perky Jerky! Oh yeah! It's beef jerky "infused" with caffeine. So when you need to get going in the morning and a cup of coffee is just too much effort, chew yourself awake with some Perky Jerky!

You can get it in original flavor, original flavor, or original flavor. You say that isn't enough choices?! WELL IT IS!!!!! I'll tell you why! They made their beef jerky better than anyone else's.

It's true! They said so! An actual quote from their website says, "the flavor profile keeps you coming back for more."

You can't argue with that, can you? I wonder what my flavor profile is. I hope it's up there with Perky Jerky.

Even though I'm not really perky. Maybe if I had some jerky I would get a little more perky. That may seem quirky, but I'm no turkey because I'm as cool as Captain Kirky. If the waters seem murky, just get yourself some Perky Jerky.

I'm off to go back to worky.



Tuesday, September 1, 2009

440 gallons of gravy

While it's not as tasty as $240 worth of pudding, it may still prove to be entertaining. I know I'm not a big sports follower, but I do remember watching wrestling as a kid. I seem to recall Junkyard Dog was my favorite. I had the action figure.

England, however, has gravy wrestling.

I don't know about you, but people covered in gravy doesn't really get me excited.

Joel Hicks, a competitor, said, "My technique was really just to grab hold of the guy and hope for the best."

Um...I'm not quite sure how to respond to that.

You should just throw that statement out in the middle of a conversation. See what happens.

I'm off to grab hold of the guy and hope for the best.