Monday, August 31, 2009

watching traffic

I was driving on 91 yesterday and saw a loveseat on the side of the highway. I also saw a deer. But the loveseat was more exciting, so I decided to talk about that instead.

I can understand that some people might feel that watching traffic is more entertaining than TV these days, but is it legal to put a loveseat on the highway?

What's the strangest thing you've ever seen on the side of the road? I guess a loveseat isn't too strange. If the deer was sitting on the loveseat drinking a root beer waving to the cars passing by, that would have been strange.

That wasn't happening, but I kinda wish it had.

Looking up to make sure that loveseat was one word and not two, I found out there are websites dedicated the loveseats. I don't know if that's stranger than a deer drinking root beer or not.

I'm off to love my seat.



Friday, August 28, 2009

internet lost

I lost the internet at home. I can't find it. I don't know what happened to it. It just went "poof!"

I looked everywhere. In the phone jack. Under the microwave. Even under the chair. Nothing.

I had to call in a professional. Unfortunately, the professionals don't have specific times when they can come find my internet. They can come someday Monday-Friday between 9 and 5. If I am not home when they come, I will have to make a new appointment.

Is it really an appointment with such a broad spectrum of time? Maybe I shouldn't bother.

I'll just go back to mailing letters instead of email. I'll tell everybody around me what I'm doing instead of twitter. I'll actually grow rice instead of farmville. I'll watch TV instead of youtube.

Maybe I'll even go outside!

Okay, I probably won't do that. Weird stuff happens when I go outside.

I'm off to go back to the stone age.



Thursday, August 27, 2009

summer hike

I saw Santa the other day. He was hiking through West Springfield.

How did I know he was hiking? He had a large hiking stick. And he was wearing hiking clothes. I think he was hiking for car parts because he was standing in front of a car parts store. I don't know what Santa needs car parts for. Especially since he is such an avid hiker. Maybe he was doing some shopping for you.

I wanted to ask him for stuff, but I was in my car and didn't have a good spot to turn around. He was probably tired from hiking, anyway. Still, it would have been nice to get my requests in early. I know it might take a while to build a giant robot dinosaur, so I don't want him to feel rushed.

I also didn't have my list prepared. It's not like I was expecting him to hike through town in the summer.

Did you see him hiking the other day? Did you give him your list? Lucky. You're always prepared, aren't you. Fine. Maybe you'll get your giant robot dinosaur and I'll just get a dolphin.


You don't have to be such a showoff.

I'm off to get my list ready.



Tuesday, August 25, 2009

dear appendix

Did you hear the news?! The appendix is the biggest thing to hit humans since the thumb! An immunologist is telling us the appendix isn't useless, but actually use FULL!

They are saying that good bacteria would chill out in the appendix and come out when needed. Take that liver!

I've always been a fan of the appendix. I think my appendix bursted a few years ago, but I told the doctors to leave it in.

Actually, that's not true. I do think it burst, but I can't afford medical bills, so I didn't go to the doctor.

Okay, so it might have been a stomach ache, but I'm pretty sure my appendix burst. It hurt. A lot. For, like, a day.

Treasure the appendix! I love the appendix so much that I wrote it a letter:

Dear appendix,

I love you.


your host body

I'm off to vestigial organ.



Monday, August 24, 2009

something smells different

I think I smell different. I don't mean that my nose is confused, but my actual body odor. I don't like it.

I got used to my old smell. Now it's different. Can that happen? It started a few weeks ago. I really don't know why.

I want my old smell back. I also want a tiger. I wonder if a tiger would like my new smell better than my old smell. Maybe my smell changed because I'm supposed to get a tiger.

I like that idea. Tigers are cool. They go "roar."

I'm off to smell myself.



Friday, August 21, 2009

heavy fish

A new report said that every fish tested in these United States has mercury in it. Not just a high percentage. Every. Single. One.

If it makes you feel any better, only 25% of them have mercury levels so high that they are unsafe to eat. So you have a 75% chance of only poisoning yourself a little bit.

Don't eat fish. I don't really care about the mercury. Fish just taste NASTY! It's like eating solid salt water. I don't like licking the ocean. Maybe mercury would actually make fish taste better, but I doubt it. Unless mercury tastes like sugar.

I remember once in high school we got a vial of mercury. It was cool because it was really heavy. AND it is a metal that is a liquid at room temperature! How cool is that! No wonder fish eat it all the time. I would have, but the vial was sealed shut.

I thought it might give me super powers. Maybe make me faster. (that's a mercury joke Latin students will get)

I'm off to NOT eat fish.



Thursday, August 20, 2009

no water

Last week the town informed me that I would be without water from 10pm to 4am. So I prepared. I filled the bathtub and a bunch of bottles with water.

The next morning I woke up with a working shower and thought that they finished early. I was happy.

Last night, I got home and saw that there was construction happening. It seems they postponed their work a week. And didn't tell me.

I tried the water. No luck. Then I brushed my teeth and tried the water again. SUCCESS!!!!! I knew I had to work fast, so I started to fill the tub and water bottles. I only got two bottles full and about an inch of water in the bathtub before the water was gone again.

This morning, that inch of water was cold. So I had a shiver bath this morning. It's not as fun as it sounds.

And my hair isn't perfect.

Otherwise, the day is going great! Just call me Mr. Positive!

I'm off to shower...finally.



Wednesday, August 19, 2009

cake car

Some guy got cake smeared on his car. The police report said that it was “very moist and fresh to the touch.”

It is the fourth time that this car has been attacked by food. The moist and fresh cake, twinkies, again with twinkies, and finally with chinese food. So, the question you gotta ask is, "What did that car ever do to food?"

You see, food doesn't just randomly attack cars. I know it happens all the time in the movies, but in nature, food is docile and only attacks a car when provoked.

Maybe that will teach you a lesson about food safety.

I'm off to eat cake.



Tuesday, August 18, 2009


There is a show on NBC called "Merlin" about a young Arthur in Camelot. One day Arthur shoots a unicorn and gives the horn to his dad as a gift. Then all the crops in Camelot die and the water turns into sand.

All because you're NOT SUPPOSED TO KILL A UNICORN! How did he not know that?! Did Arthur even go to school?!

I was cursed once. It wasn't really that bad of a curse, but they called it a curse. I was walking in the mall and the escalator wasn't working. A guy at the bottom said that I would be cursed if I walked up it. I did. And all my crops died. Which was fine because I was only growing basil with my Chia herb garden.

Then my water turned into sand. That was also cool because I had a sandbox in the bathroom.

The last curse was that I could only eat candy for 21 days and 21 nights. Clearly the curse-giver didn't really think about his cursing.

After riding a working escalator, I was found to be pure of heart and my water became water again. I grew many herbs with my Chia and I didn't have to eat candy. I did, but I didn't HAVE to.

Your lesson? Don't go to the mall. Weird people will curse you.

I'm off to shop online.



Thursday, August 13, 2009


Not much going on around the ol' office today. Yep...not much at all.

I don't think I've ever had a corndog. Or is it corn dog? Maybe corn-dog? Let me look it up.


Ahhh...corn dog. Got it. I just found it online. Did you know that in Japan they call the corn dog an "American Dog?" They do. Tell your friends.

I bet you were thinking that this blog entry would get more exciting. It really doesn't. Seriously, nothing is going on.

If you're waiting for me to shout about some sort of invasion of the Mosquito-People here to suck our blood, it's not gonna happen. Unless it does. Then I'll be sorry that I said it's not. Because you won't believe me.

If you're looking for something exciting, I would do an online search for baby otters. That's probably more exciting than me right now. They're so darned cute!

I'm even boring myself, so I think I'll go search for baby otters!




Wednesday, August 12, 2009

meat cards

A man has created business cards made out of meat. They're flat pieces of beef jerky with your contact info lasered onto it.

I don't know what else to say about it.

Person: "Here's my card."

Me: "This is meat."

Person: "It's a meat card."

Me: "You handed me a piece of meat. With words on it."

Person: "So you can contact me."

Me: "It's meat."

Person: "It's so you'll remember this meeting...with meat."

Me: "This is disgusting. You're trying to get business with animal carcass."

Person: "You can snack on it later."

Me: "It's old meat that was sitting in your pocket."

Person: "Well, I know you won't forget this meeting!"

Me: "I really wish I could."

And that is my conversation from yesterday. Then I threw a steak at him and ran away. Don't worry, I put a sticky-note with my contact info on the steak.

I'm off to eat a business card.



Tuesday, August 11, 2009

again with the star wars

I always get distracted when cool Star Wars stuff comes out. I know you probably think most of it is boring, but this time I KNOW you'll love it.

Lightsaber Chopsticks. That's right. Little lightsabers that are perfect for enjoying General Tso's Chicken. You would use lightsabers on General Tso because he was a follower of the Sith Lord, Darth Sidious.

It may be great chicken, but it's still evil. Unless you eat it with lightsaber chopsticks.

Not only are these great for eating, but you can have tiny lightsaber battles with your friends.

I think I would use these everywhere. If I had to go to a fancy dinner for work or something, I might enjoy a fancy salad with my lightsaber chopsticks.

Server: "Your fancy french-named salad, sir."

Me: "Thank you."

Sound FX (made by me): "VVVVVVOOOOM WHOOSH"

Server: "I can get you a fork, sir."

Me: "If you get me a fork, I will lightsaber you so fast that the millennium falcon wouldn't even be able to save you."

Sound FX (made by me again): "VOOSH! ZOOM! WHOOSH!"

And that is why I will never be asked to go out to dinner again. Which would be awesome, because I hate fancy dinners. They never let you have any fun.

I'm off to practice my chopstick form.



Monday, August 10, 2009

nothing at all

There is a small town in Arizona named Nothing. It has two residents. There is a pizza parlor and a mini mart. The town is five to nine acres in size.

What does that even mean?! Five to nine acres?! How does a town change size? Is there some sort of tectonic plate there? Does it constantly shift? Are they located next to an unstable multi-dimensional shift?

Why doesn't another real town just absorb Nothing? I'll tell you why. Pizza Man Mike.

Pizza Man Mike is trying to keep Nothing going strong. He wants to create Nothing into a private community. I guess for the two people who live there. Mike wants Nothing for himself and his neighbor.

I'm not sure Mike gets the joke. I do.

So, if you're looking for a family road trip across the states, then be sure to stop in Nothing and have a pizza. Tell Mike I said hi. And to give up. Nothing isn't worth it. And not in a double negative sort of way.

I'm off to shift a tectonic plate.



Friday, August 7, 2009

they're in my head

There is a store that gives out coupons when you get a receipt from them. I won't say who they are, but if you have good aim, you probably hit this a lot.

And this store is stalking me. I swear! They are!

Okay, so a few weeks ago I was running low on laundry detergent. I went to that store and got a coupon for THE EXACT KIND THAT I USE!

Weird, right?!

THEN! Yesterday, I went to that store again to get my laundry detergent. I was putting stuff onto the conveyor belt and got a paper cut from one of the tags hanging off a shirt I bought.

I bought my stuff and the coupon I got was for band-aids. BAND-AIDS! It's like they knew I just got a cut!

How did they know? I think they tagged me. Or they can read my mind. I'm not sure yet.

It's scary, but at the same time, I save money on things I need, so I can't really complain.

I'm off to buy what they tell me to.



Wednesday, August 5, 2009

cracker jack

Does anybody eat Cracker Jacks anymore? They seem like such an old snack. I can picture kids in 1956 eating them, but they don't have the same pizzazz as today's snacks.

Kids in 1956 might have also said pizzazz when referring to their Cracker Jacks. Today, kids might say their candy is da bomb.

I liked how the old box was a present. They wrapped a plain box in their packaging and you could unwrap it and find a gift of...CRACKER JACKS!

Did you ever get anything cool in a Cracker Jack box? I didn't. I'm pretty sure I got the same prize every time. It was a small, square piece of orange plastic with a convex circle on it. So I could magnify things. And make them appear orange.

It was lame. Like, really, really lame. Maybe kids loved it in 1956 when everything was in black and white, but I needed more stimulation than that.

So, I liked collecting glittery stickers. Because I was cool.

I'm off to add some pizzazz to my life.



Tuesday, August 4, 2009

space program

In space, everybody can smell your breath. Or so I'm told. By China.

China has some strict rules for their astronauts. If you want to get up to that space station in the sky, you must NOT have bad breath. And that is only one of their requirements.

Some of the other rules are that you cannot have a runny nose, no scars, and no cavities. They also said that your wife has to allow you to go. Implying that women aren't allowed in space.

Why? Well, we all know how it is in space. If you were a woman with a runny nose, scars and cavities, you don't know. There's nothing up there! Do they think some alien life form (or ALF, as the government calls them) won't talk to you if you have scars? Aliens might love a good scar story!

Female Astronaut: Hello ALF!

ALF: I'm not talking to you.

Female Astronaut: Why not?

ALF: You have a scar. And a cavity. And you are a woman.

Female Astronaut: Yeah, but you should hear the story about how I got the scar! It involves a samurai and a pile of waffles!

ALF: (holding his hand in front of her face) See this? This is me not talking to you.

Female Astronaut: Jerk.

And that is why China is leading the way in space travel! They know how it is up there! You have a degree in space travel? WHO CARES! You didn't brush your teeth enough! OUT!

I like brushing my teeth.

I'm off to apply for a job in the Australian space program. They'll take just about anybody.



Monday, August 3, 2009


I may have mentioned in the past that I'm bow-legged. It's pretty exciting. I walk like a cowboy. Though, clearly I am not that rugged. I have a rug at home, but I don't think that counts.

If you don't know, a bow-legged person can't put their knees together if their feet are touching. Try it. Stand straight up. Put your feet together. I bet you can get your knees to touch. I can't. Thus creating a "bow" effect.

I tell myself that this happened because my legs needed the arch in order to support the major awesomeness of my upper body. I encourage you to tell me that as well.

Back to the point: I heard a bow-legged joke this weekend! I know! I didn't think there were any! But there is at least one. I'm pretty excited. I would like to use it at cocktail parties and social gatherings. Not that I go to either, but if I ever accidentally enter one, I can use this joke.

Why did the cowboy lose his job?

Because he couldn't keep his calves together!


Tell you friends. Do you know any bow-legged jokes? I'd love to hear them. And steal them so I can be popular at parties.

I'm off to ride a horse.