Friday, May 29, 2009

too much going on

I have no idea where to start today! There is so much going on!

First off, I didn't shower today. There was another water main break. You never think it could happen to you, then it does. I used all the water in my water bottle to brush my teeth and wipe down. And by wipe down, I mean a bar of soap in a wash cloth. It was not very cleansing. And don't even ask about my hair. I can't talk about that right now. I may need therapy.

Also, the spelling bee was on last night! Awesome! That is my kind of sport. And the sentences were really funny. Good times.

Finally, my coworkers and I at wmas got all over the gossip news yesterday! Pretty cool stuff. We had an interview with Candy Spelling, and her words got us everywhere. I don't know how it spread so quickly, but it did. The radio show was mentioned on tv and websites. Any publicity is good publicity, right? Maybe now I can ask for that raise. Somebody's not gonna eat generic peanut butter anymore! (That somebody is me. Just in case you missed that. If I get the raise. And I probably won't. But I like to dream big. I like peanut butter.)

I'm off to shower...I hope.



Thursday, May 28, 2009

do not eat tin foil

If you have metal fillings, do not eat tin foil. It seems like a strange comment, but it's a lesson I learned a few years and I am still a little scarred.

I don't even like using tin foil because of the trauma.

Just thinking about it again makes my jaw tingle. And not in a good way. Good jaw tingle is when you think about how great lemons taste, but bad jaw tingle is when you get an electric shock in your head.

I checked it out online and it looks like that is what happens. Tin foil and saliva and metal fillings create electricity and that electricity will shock your head.

I don't know why I tried it. I think somebody told me that a shock would happen and I had to find out if they were telling the truth. Now, you might think I was a child when this happened because kids do stuff like that all the time.

I was an adult. And I still had to do it. Some people never learn. I am one of those people.

I'm off to check a 9-volt battery with my tongue.



Wednesday, May 27, 2009

ketchup or catsup

I tried ketchup potato chips yesterday. They are great. I had to smuggle them in from Canada because they are very hard to find in the states. They taste like ketchup. Like you just ate a spoonful of ketchup. It's so good.

What's up with Canada allowing so many different kinds of candy and chips to be sold everywhere? Do they have an FDA? Do people in Canada just like more snacks? Do they eat more junk food to make up for all the calories they lose from shivering?

I have so many questions, but I can't find any answers because everyone I ask can only answer in Canadian and I don't have a translator.

Vive la bouffe? What the heck are you trying to tell me?! Live the hair?!?! I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

I'm off to eat some ketchup chips.



Tuesday, May 26, 2009

fond du lac

What's up with Fond du Lac, Wisconsin? I don't really get this city, and yet, it is constantly in the news for all sorts of weird stories.

The city is pretty famous for having a lot of lottery winners. They also have odd news stories like the most recent one about somebody wearing a monkey suit and stealing bananas.

Here's my theory: Fond du Lac is fake. They say it is near a lake called Lake Winnebago. Seriously? I'm supposed to believe they named a lake after a motor home company? I don't think so.

Also, they are proud to say they are the home of Dan Gorske. He is a Big Mac enthusiast. Do you see what I'm saying? Is there REALLY such a thing as a Big Mac enthusiast?

It is rumored to be the location for the Walleye Weekend. Now, I never saw that movie, but I'm pretty sure that Walleye was a fictional robot invented by Pixar last year and could NOT have been around in 1978 when this festival SUPPOSEDLY started.

Clearly this is a made up town by somebody who overdosed on cheese. It is documented that when people eat way too much cheese, they create whole new realities for themselves and never want to leave. I guess a lot of people in Wisconsin have eaten a lot of cheese.

Mass hallucination.

So there's your lesson. Don't eat too much cheese.

Oh, and if you are from Fond du Lac and you are reading this. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you are imaginary. I'm sorry, but it's true.

I'm off to tell 43,460 people where they really live.



Friday, May 22, 2009

hot sauce unicorn

Have you ever heard of sriracha? It's a type of hot sauce. It's pretty good with pho. Pho is a beef broth and noodle soup popular in Vietnam. Apparently, it's also good with just about everything else.

There's a guy who makes a sriracha called "Rooster Sauce" because there is a rooster on the bottle. This guy has become pretty darn popular. Due to his popularity, other folks have tried to market their sriracha in a similar fashion. Including "Unicorn Sauce." Not made from real unicorns.

Since unicorns are magical (and real), that must mean Unicorn Sauce will make all your food TASTE magical! AND different things will happen if you put it on different foods.

If you put some Unicorn Sauce into your tuna fish sandwich, then you will turn into a fish-person. It will only last for a little while, but it's cool if you ever wanted to swim in the olympics and win a bunch of medals. (I'm looking at you Phelps!)

Also, if you like your sriracha on pizza, then you will become a large turtle that is trained in the art of ninjitsu. That's probably my favorite one.

Or, if you would like shoot fire out of your eyes, you have to drink a whole bottle of Unicorn Sauce. This is only suggested for people in a battle with a giant frost monster. Otherwise, you will probably burn your furniture and your couch won't be very soft.

Another cool one happens if you eat it on leaves. You turn green and don't need to eat because you can now photosynthesize. Which is cool. Unless you do it at night.

There are others, but they aren't very fun, like if you put some in milk, you will turn into a cow. Not very exciting.

So go get some Unicorn Sauce and try it with different foods. I can't actually prove that any of these things will happen, but I believe they do, and in my imagination, everything is real.

I'm off to get a pizza and become a ninja turtle.



Thursday, May 21, 2009

candy contests

I like the idea of candy contests. A kid in England got the chance to be a taster for a candy company. He wrote an essay about his favorite candy and they told him to come on over and test out three of their new candies.

One: I think more kids should have to write essays on their favorite candy. I probably would have done better in school if I did that.

"What I did on my summer vacation...I ate candy. Let me describe all the candy I ate..."

Two: How come all this stuff always happens in England? Why aren't there any candy companies here looking for me to test out their candy? I could write an essay about lollipops.

Three: Candy is yummy.

There you have it. Three good reasons why I should be a taster for a candy company. Clearly I am qualified. The kid in England is only 12! He doesn't even have any life experiences with candy! I know WAY more about candy than this kid! I have lived a life of candy! It's been hard at times, but I suffered through all the sugar highs and lows to get where I am today. I must have that job. I will battle that kid in a duel if I have to.

A candy duel. Maybe we'll throw Skittles at each other. Tie a few Twizzlers together and put a Gobstopper on top and you have a pretty deadly weapon. It's called a Twizzstopper...or maybe a Gobwizzle. heh...gobwizzle...

I'm off to get my candy arsenal ready.



Wednesday, May 20, 2009

truth in advertising

A town in Croatia has elected a new mayor who PROMISES to rip the people off as much as possible. He says that he is just trying to be honest.

I guess that's not too bad, but why not find somebody who is honest AND will not rip people off? Is that possible?

Also, I don't know if this story is true. The town is called Prolozac. I'm pretty sure Prolozac is an antidepressant for people with ulcers, not a town in Croatia.

I tried to be class president in high school once. I didn't come close to winning. Maybe I should have told the students that I would take all their milk money. Instead, I told them that they should brush their teeth and learn math. I also remember putting up posters saying cake is good.

I still don't know how I lost.

I'm off to get my Prolozac prescription.



Monday, May 18, 2009

things in space

Sometimes we forget that there is stuff in space. You can't see it, so you might not think it's there. Like people. In space. That's pretty amazing.

Not a lot of people have gone into space. This group of astronauts has to fix the Hubble. I love the Hubble. It's a pretty awesome camera. It's even better than my Fisher Price 110 camera. Mostly because I can't buy the film anymore. But partly because I am not in space.

The astronauts have to remove 111 small screws to replace a spectrograph on the Hubble. First of all, when designing the Hubble, why didn't they make, like, 4 big screws. Didn't they know that if repairs were needed to be done in space that people would be wearing space suits?! IN SPACE! Where you can die pretty easily! So you kinda have to wear this giant suit with large gloves!

I know how those guys feel. It's like trying to thread a needle when you have the shakes. Unlucky for me, I always have the shakes, so if I had to thread 111 needles, I might explode. Luckily, though, I AM helpful when a beverage needs be shaken well.

So, they're in space. Fixing stuff that moves 7.7 km/s. (about 25,000 ft/s) I wonder if they are moving that fast. Do they not notice because everything is that fast? Does it not really feel like anything because there is no gravity? If I were running in space, could I catch up with the Flash? Does eating a cherry pie count as a fruit and a whole grain?

So many unanswered questions. Hopefully the Hubble can help us find the answers.

I'm off to walk in space.



Friday, May 15, 2009

chips for breakfast

A lady in England has created potato chips that you can eat for breakfast! The chips are bacon, buttered toast, egg and tomato flavored. Now that sounds like a good breakfast!

I don't know if they have 9 essential vitamins and minerals, but if they do, they're probably just as healthy as most cereals!

I would like a cherry pie flavored chip. That would be yummy. Why not just get a cherry pie, you ask? Because it's kinda hard to eat a cherry pie while I'm driving, isn't it?!

Maybe they could have gummy bear flavored chips.

What would you like for a chip flavor? Blueberry? Snozzberry perhaps? Yellow-flavored?

I like chips. I also like pie. Rainbows and unicorns are good, too.

OOOOH! Rainbow and Unicorn flavored chips! I bet those would be awesome.

I'm off to buy some chips.



Thursday, May 14, 2009

the bearded men

I'm trying to grow a beard. Thank goodness I'm not in space because you cannot grow a beard in space. Or so I've heard.

It is itchy under my chin. I don't know how I feel about that. I think I want to grow a lot of hair on the sides so I can look like Wolverine. I also want to grow claws from my hands, but that hasn't happened yet. I don't know why.

If you're wondering how Wolverine can move his wrists when he retracts his claws, they actually hang out in his forearm. So, in the second that it takes for them to come out, he cannot move his wrist. But they move pretty quickly, so it's cool.

I wish I had claws in my forearms. Or at least A claw. I guess a fork and spoon would do. I'll take what I can get at this point. Maybe the fork on one arm and the spoon on the other. Then I could have the mutant ability to eat soup or small chunks of chicken anywhere I went.

That would be pretty cool. You could call me Kinda-Like-Wolverine-Except-Not-So-Sharp. It seems like a long name, but I think it's catchy.

I'm off to x-ray my forearms.



Tuesday, May 12, 2009

dries clear

If you're looking to be the coolest person in the room, the kids in Romania can help. College students in Romania are putting deodorant on their clothes. Like, on the outside of their t-shirts. Because they think it makes them look cool.

One of the kids is actually quoted as saying that it makes him feel "as tough as Wentworth Miller and Bon Jovi combined."

I have no idea why he feels that way. I'm guessing he buys stuff that leaves a white residue. I mean, those clear deodorants wouldn't really do anything. Nobody would be able to see that you're wearing it. And who wants that?

Are we sure that it didn't start because people didn't know what to do with deodorant? Maybe deodorant is new in Romania. I have no idea what their views are when it comes to underarms. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to the Romanians. Then, Speed Stick wanted to make a move over there and started selling deodorant. Unfortunately, nobody had seen it and just started spreading it on their clothes.

It seems overgarment deodorant makes you feel tough as well. If you recall, it's a combination of Wentworth Miller and Bon Jovi. That's pretty tough. Almost as tough as Chuck Norris.

Maybe I should try putting deodorant all over my clothes. I could probably beat up a tree. I'd like to see Chuck Norris do that.

I'm off to buy some deodorant.



Monday, May 11, 2009

baby sumo

Did you hear about this?! Nakizumo is a Japanese contest where two babies stare at each other until one of them cries. The two babies are held up by sumo wrestlers. So, it's also a contest for them because holding a baby in front of you really works the shoulders.

Nakizumo means "crying sumo" in Japanese. I guess the baby that does not cry goes to the next round.

I would watch this sport. I don't follow a lot of sports, but this one just sounds so entertaining that it would be worth getting ESPN: The Hachi.

Forget your college basketball bracket, go for the crying sumo baby bracket!

I'm putting all my money on "Dry Eyes" because he's been kicking major diaper. I know a lot of people are looking at the underdog "Tear Free Fighter" to cause a big upset, but I don't think he's gonna be able to pull it off. Nobody is betting on "Sir Bawls-A-Lot." Of course, we have to watch out for "She Who Doesn't Cry" because that lady is a tough cookie. And she also has won a lot of cookies. Because that's what you get when you win. A cookie.

I want to win some cookies. I could probably stare at a baby and not cry. Though, it might get uncomfortable when the sumo wrestler holds me up. But it would be worth it.

I'm off to dry my eyes.



Friday, May 8, 2009

tips for mom shopping

No, I don't mean actually purchasing a mother! Shopping for your mom since mother's day is coming up.

Buy her stuff that she likes and/or needs. That is the only tip.

Here is what I am doing for mother's day. I am going to buy my mom poison-tipped throwing stars.

Because my mom is a ninja. And she flies a rocket ship to get to places where she ninjas things. (ninja can be used as a verb)

Last year I got her a bumper sticker for her rocket ship. It said "If you can read this, you are too close to my rocket ship. So if you don't back off, I might have to ninja you!"

She loved it. It is on her rocket ship right now.

I can't wait to go to the ninja store because they also sell maple syrup. The maple syrup is not poisoned.

I'm off to check on throwing star shipping charges.



Thursday, May 7, 2009

let's go ride a bike

A man in China has created a bicycle! It's a spiffy new invention where you can sit down on a contraption and use your feet to make it go! Genius, right?!

Okay, so you've seen a bike. But not like this. An "inventor" in China, named Guan Baihua, made a bike with a five-sided pentagon as the front wheel and a three-sided triangle for the back wheel. I give you the side counts to make sure understand that THE WHEELS ARE NOT ROUND!

Hold on. I have to look up the word wheel. I have a feeling that in order to be a wheel, something must be round. Let's see...

Ok, so I looked it up. It has to be circular and rotate. Is a pentagon circular enough to be considered a wheel?

Anyway, some guy made this. He said it's not as bumpy as you would think, but it is harder to pedal. He wanted to give people an alternative to the standard bicycle with two round wheels.

So, I have alternatives for people bored of useful objects.

How about a phone without an earpiece? You don't want to hear what anybody is saying, so why pretend to listen? Just call your friends and tell them what they need to hear!

Perhaps you are looking for a spoon with hole in it. That way, you will never burn your tongue on your soup because it will never make it to your mouth. AND! You will have a very warm lap!

And finally, for those who really want a challenge, a keyboard where every key is a different size. The "J" will be bigger than the space key, but the "T" will be smaller than a needle point. Perhaps I will keep "Q" the standard size. It's not like anybody likes the letter Q.

I'm off to deal with the calls from The Q Appreciation Association.



Wednesday, May 6, 2009

pork cake

At a wedding in England, the new couple decided that, instead of cake, they would have a 22-pound, four-tier cake/pie made out of pork.

I don't know what else to say. I now know that pork cake is cheaper than a traditional wedding cake. I also know that pork cake sounds disgusting.

Do you think they smooshed it into each other's faces? That's gross. Not just regular gross, but the kid of gross that only comes from people smearing pork products on their face.

In order to get that image out of our heads, I'm going to tell you a story.

On a sunshiny day, all the rainbows decided to come out and play. All the people in the land came out and danced on giant cakes made of sugar and frosting. Then, when everybody was done dancing on cake, we all jumped in the pools of pie! Pie-pools filled with sugary, fruit sweetness. Finally, the day was completed with movies about stuffed animals eating cupcakes and gummy bears.

The end.

Don't you feel better?

I'm off to buy normal, sugar-cake.



Tuesday, May 5, 2009

the detector of metal

I was watching one of my cartoons-for-kids-under-the-age-four the other day and it reminded me of something that I had when I was a kid. A metal detector. And much like Kipper and Tiger, I didn't actually find anything.

I'm pretty sure I really wanted one. For some reason. And I'm willing to bet my parents told me that my backyard did not have any buried treasure. Of course, as a child, I did not believe them. I was pretty sure that they didn't even check the premises with their own metal detector and therefore they were under the impression that no treasure existed. Little did I know that pirates do not hide treasure under a blueberry bush in the suburbs.

Still, it seemed like a good a place as any when I was a kid.

I don't know if you ever owned a metal detector, but I'm pretty sure nobody finds anything with them. Well, except maybe that my parents found the beeping annoying, but that's not really a treasure.

Did you ever find anything with a metal detector that you or your parents did not hide underground? I think I once took some quarters and threw them onto the yard to see if I could find them again.

I did not.

Well...not until my dad was mowing the lawn and found out a bunch of quarters were messing up the blades. I guess the lawn mower worked as a better metal detector. That's fun to say, "better metal detector."

I think mine broke soon after I got it. It may have been out of frustration. I can't remember.

So, maybe you were lucky enough to find a Kenner Kiddie Fondue Machine in your yard, but maybe you only found a paper clip. Either way, you found more than I did.

I'm off to look for buried treasure.



Friday, May 1, 2009

dancing dangers

There's a club in Austin with a fancy dance floor that you've probably never seen before. It is a 20,000 gallon tank with sharks in it! It has blacktip reef sharks, leopard sharks and four species of stingrays. And you get to dance above them!

Some people are unhappy about this. I don't know why. It's a well known fact that sharks love dancing. Have you ever seen them wiggle around in the water? It looks like they have music going on in their head all the time. They're probably mixing beats as they swim.

I bet if you gave a shark two turntables and microphone, it would show you where it's at.

And stingrays! Their pectoral fins flow like a sine wave! Put some glow sticks on those fins and it will look like you just entered a rave!

So there you go. It's actually more crueler to keep sharks in the ocean than in the dance floor. And I hate it when people are more crueler.

Seriously, you can't start a fire worrying about your little world falling apart. This gun's for hire even if we're just dancing with the sharks.

And possibly in the dark.

I'm off to work on my sine wave.