Wednesday, December 31, 2008

dropping the snow ball

Tonight, things are dropped to signify midnight. Why is midnight so special? I don't know. I think it has to do with some vampire books or something. Oh wait...that's twilight, not midnight. Oh, whatever...

This year, I'm going to drop my head to my pillow to celebrate midnight. I can't guarantee that it will happen at midnight and not 9:30, but that's practically the same time.

Did you know that there are places outside of my bedroom that also drop "stuff"?

In Lebanon, Pennsylvania you can see bologna. Yep. They drop a seven-foot piece of bologna. AND, if you pick it up within 5 seconds, you can eat it. (5-second rule!)

The folks in Wisconsin drop a hunk of cheese. Same rules apply.

Now, if we could just get Indianapolis (the home of Wonder bread, of course) to drop a few giant slices of bread, we could have a sandwich! A giant midnight bologna and cheese sandwich! Vampires would love that!

Maybe you should find something to drop. I dropped my keys this morning. I think that happened around 4:44am. That's pretty much the same as dropping a ball at midnight. I'll call that my celebration. It was a rockin' party. You totally missed out on it. I can barely keep my eyes open...not because I'm tired from lack of sleep BUT because I danced so 4:44am this morning. Yeah...

I'm off to drop the ball.



Tuesday, December 30, 2008

hold on one second

This year we are adding a leap second to our clocks. It seems people are all sorts of messed up about this. I'm not kidding. I just read an article about the problems people are having with this.

We go by Greenwich Mean Time (GMT) and they'll be adding a second to the year. So, when everybody else is counting down to midnight on New Year's Eve, you should wait a second, then start. You will be right on time.

Unfortunately, there is another way to tell time. With Atomic Power! OOOOOOH! International Atomic Time can give us the most accurate time, but using it will cause an uproar. Why? Because in a thousand years, things will be different by an hour. Yep. I don't understand why it works this way, but instead of the sun being at its highest point at noon, it will be at its highest point at 1pm. Oh, chaos will also ensue.

I really don't understand why we couldn't just move our clocks back an hour to line it up with noon again. Scientists haven't figured out how to do this yet with Atomic clocks. I think it has to do with the fact that they are atomic and will blow up if you try to change them.

Anyway, those mean Greenwich people are going to add a second to the clocks this year, so make sure you change your clocks at home...quickly.

Some scientists are worried about the problems that will arise from adding that second. I'm pretty sure all computers will shut down. Then they will come alive and attack you. I know your computer doesn't have any arms or anything, but it might be a good idea to unplug your mouse and keyboard since your computer can use them as weapons.

I'm just trying to keep you from getting a mouse to the face. That can hurt. Some scientists have said that your computer might actually grow arms and legs, so you might want to keep an eye on it. If, at any point, your computer starts to look like a Transformer, I would smash it with an anvil. That's just what I would do, though. You can do whatever you want. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

I'm off to set my clocks.



Wednesday, December 24, 2008

recession eve

I wonder if Santa had to let go of some elves because of the bad economy. Do you think some elves are out there right now looking for a job? What kind of jobs would they go for? Clerical? IT?

"So, it says here that you have magic fingers. What does that mean?"

"Well, I can magically put together a toy train."

"Hmmm...yes...I see. But can those magic fingers help if we lose vital information on our network."


"You're hired!"

YAY! It's a Christmas miracle!

Maybe the Keebler elves are looking for help.

"So what can you bring to this company?"

"Well, I'm a magical's that."

"Right. Can you make a sandwich cookie by putting chocolate in between two elf cookies?"

"Um...I can put together a doll...does that count?"

"Yeah...we don't really do that sort of thing here. How are you at customer service?"

"Um...I'm a magical elf?"

"We'll call you."

I guess that's not much of a miracle. Oh well. You win some, you lose some.

I'm off to see if the Lucky Charms guy needs an understudy.



Tuesday, December 23, 2008

last minute shopping

If you are looking for that last minute gift for the hunter in your family, have I got a treat for you! Ok, so I'm not much into hunting. I'm not a huge fan of guns. I'm more of a light saber sort of guy. I know what you'll say, hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster by your side, but I'm old fashioned like that.

I happened to find this wonderful catalog for hunters. You can order camouflage bedding. Yep. Just in case you are bringing your King-size bed into the woods and you don't want any animals seeing you sleeping.

Another great item is for little kids. According to them, kids love animal heads mounted on walls. I didn't know that. That's the last thing I thought a kid would love. BUT, since they do love that, now they can have their own with these stuffed animal heads that can be mounted to any wall. So, if you hunt stuffed animals, you can proudly show off your trophies.

The best thing about this catalog is that it also thinks about the lovely lady in the male hunter's life. On the cover, next to the waterproof work boots, is a necklace. It is a gold necklace with diamonds in it. It is also shaped like a heart. What better way to say I love than with heart necklace and a fresh kill.

There you go, now I helped you finish all your shopping. Don't say I never do anything for you.

I'm off to hunt for the perfect gift.



Monday, December 22, 2008

one nation under wii

I found this pretty interesting. The headline was "The Nintendo Wii Is More Popular Than God."

Wow. That's pretty bold! I don't think they mean throughout history, but in 2008, Wii beat God in internet searches by 76%.

I guess that makes sense because you already know where to find God, right? I mean, depending on your beliefs, God is everywhere, so it's, like, easy to find him/her/it. I would imagine God hated playing hide and seek.

"9, 10. Ready or not! Here I come! (open eyes) I found God! God's it!"

It's tough to hide when you're everywhere. The Wii, on the other hand, is not that easy to find. So obviously, you would probably have to search for the Wii.

And I'm sure God doesn't care about popularity contests. God's above all that. I bed if God was reading the paper and saw that headline, he/she/it would probably not care.

"Hmmm...Alfred, did you see that the Wii is more popular than I am?"

"I did not see that, God." (I'm pretty sure God has a butler named Alfred...just like Batman. I think God also wears a cape.)

"I bet the Wii can't even make a peninsula...let alone an entire universe."

"I don't believe the Wii can do that, God.”

"You're darn tootin it can't...I still want one for Christmas, though."

"I'll look for it on the internet."

"Thank you Alfred...and maybe you could get me a triceratops for Hanukkah."

HA! I knew I wasn't the only person who wanted one of those!

Did you know that the part of land connecting a peninsula to the mainland is an isthmus? That is such a cool word. I will ride my triceratops over the isthmus onto the peninsula.

I'm off to isthmus.



Thursday, December 18, 2008

christmas cards

Ok, so how boring are christmas cards. I mean, it's nice to get them from friends, but they're SO SAPPY! Picture ones aren't TOO bad because they could have a fun picture from a friend, but they still usually say something boring about love and magic and family.


No offense to anybody who sent me a card. I appreciate being remembered by you and I know your options are limited. The secret greeting card industry has a meeting every year on top of old Smokey to discuss the sappiness of their christmas cards. Usually nobody shows up and they just go with what they got. Well, it is covered in snow, so it's not exactly the best place for a meeting.

This year I decided to spice them up a little bit. Which, after a few of those, I got tired of being spicy so I just said Merry Christmas or something. Eh, I'm lazy. Some folks did get strange messages about popcorn and the color purple and the fact that I want a SUPER AWESOME TRICERATOPS from Santa. See yesterday's blog for details.

Why can't they make cards fun? I know you can buy some with silly phrases on them, but those aren't silly enough for me. Why can't they say stuff like, "Eat lots of cookies when you visit your grandparents because Santa said cookies are good for you and Santa doesn't like to eat cookies alone."

Or, (Front) "The recipe for a good Christmas." (Inside) "Ask for a cookie jar, then fill it with cookies, then eat the cookies, then pass out, then wake up the next morning for presents."

How about this one if you're Jewish: The front just has a picture of a ninja. The inside says, "The Hanukkah Ninja will leave you presents, but ONLY if you remember to light the menorah. If you don't, the ninja will eat all your cookies. And probably do ninja things around your hit stuff with his foot and sword."

Oh well. I guess I'll just deal with good will and all that jazz. OOOOOH! How about a card done in "scat".

(Front) How do you say "Happy Holidays" like a jazz scatter?

(Inside) Scoobie do wop bop bop a shibby dibby do wop pop pop doo doo.

You should hear me sing it. It totally sounds like I'm saying Happy Holidays.

I'm off to scattara dang a boodie doop.



Wednesday, December 17, 2008

oh my gosh! I soooo want one!

Have you seen Kota the triceratops? You HAVE to buy this! This is the COOLEST toy EVER MADE! You may think to yourself, "The greatest toy ever made is the Hula Hoop." But you would be SO WRONG! Kota could totally eat your hula hoop.

Kota is so cool that he even has his own website. Kota is a triceratops that you can actually ride. No joke. With just 6 D batteries, Kota will walk, roar and eat leafy greens! That's not cool enough? Let me quote you something from the website: "Your kids will enjoy their prehistoric journey by flipping a hidden switch that will play adventure-themed songs." SONGS TOO!!!! HOT DOG!!!

(Editors note: That is not an exact quote from the website. They have some mad typos on there, so I fixed them...which is weird because I never fix my own.)

Imagine riding this thing to school. You would be the coolest kid IN THE WORLD! YOU HAVE YOUR OWN DINOSAUR! HOW CAN YOU BEAT THAT?!

If you're not loving this, we can't be friends anymore. It's a baby triceratops, THAT YOU RIDE! DON'T YOU GET IT!?!?!?!

Well, if you don't get it, just go hula with your hoop and I'll be riding around ON A TRICERATOPS LISTENING TO ADVENTURE-THEMED SONGS!

Then, kota will eat you and your hula hoop. And possibly some leafy greens.

I'm off to ride a dinosaur.



Tuesday, December 16, 2008

no memory

I don't know if you've heard about this guy HM, but he had a pretty strange memory. He's been famous for years because he could not commit information into his long-term memory. He died recently and donated his brain to science. We now know his full name is Henry Molaison. Scientists love nicknames, so they called him HM instead. Scientists are weird like that. They usually call each other names like "quark" or "phylum" or "anterolateral temporal cortex."

Anyway, Henry had some brain surgery in 1953 and things didn't go exactly as planned. After the surgery, you could ask him to memorize a bunch of numbers and he would. Then, if you asked him about it later that day, he wouldn't even know that he was asked to look at numbers. He couldn't remember what he had for breakfast or lunch or anything.

I'd say that's a pretty scary way to live, but I'm sure there are some good things to go with the bad.


He forgot the 80's.

He doesn't think he saw Glitter.

He forgot every episode of Baywatch.


He could never remember who won Dancing with the Stars.

He couldn't remember how great Spice World was.

He forgot that Darth Vader is Luke's father.

He did help with a lot of research about how our memory works and what we can and cannot do. He could learn new motor skills. So, I guess he could learn to juggle. Or maybe he learned how to play the Wii.

Oddly enough, he thought Eisenhower knew how to play the Wii. That would have been cool if my boy Dwight actually did play the Wii. I'd vote for him again if he was a Wii-man. I know you would too.

I'm off to...I forgot...



Monday, December 15, 2008

tie a tie

I was talking to somebody about objects that are also the verbs used to create them. It's strange that you can "tie a tie" but you don't "belt a belt" or "drive a drive." Why is that? Did ties get their names because that is what you had to do to put it on? Were people just lazy?

I mean, there are many words that could be used to describe this item. It could have been a sloopy. I have to tie my sloopy today. It could have been a fwip. I have to tie my fwip and then put on my jacket. I would have liked calling in a fwip. It sounds more fun that tie. Fwip also sounds like something Spider-Man would do. FWIP!

I guess you also toast bread to create toast. That's almost the same as tie. When you heat up chicken, it's still chicken. If you were going to heat up some vegetables, you don't change their name. Carrots don't become steamies.

Where was I going with this? I don't know. I might go dial my dial or play my play or read a read or write a write to figure it out. I probably won't do any of those things, though...because what I just wrote doesn't even make sense to me. If you can understand what is going on here, well...I don't know what that says about you. I am so completely lost right now.

I'm off to tie my fwip.



Thursday, December 11, 2008

beat it

Michael Jackson is having some money trouble, so he's selling his glove. That white, sparkly one. He's actually selling about two thousand different items from his personal collection because he's so poor.

He claims that some of the money will go to charity, but we don't know how much. I have a feeling it's going to be a small percentage.

I'm sure there are many Michael Jackson fans out there who would be willing to pay big bucks for that glove. I am NOT sure if it is the same glove that he's had since he started wearing it or if he has been getting a new one every few years. I really hope he refreshes his glove collection. That glove would be pretty nasty if he's been wearing it for the last thirty years.

I would love to get the monkey glove. Remember bubbles? He used to wear a sparkly glove too. I don't think I would actually touch it because Bubbles may have been wearing that glove for the last thirty years, but that would be SOME collector's item!

I would put it in a glass case and tell guests that it was my monkey glove. Then my guests would bow down to me in amazement.

I wonder if Bubbles is still alive. The stories he could tell! If he could talk, that is. I wonder if he lived the rock star lifestyle. He probably had huge chimp parties at the ranch with all sorts of chimp ladies hanging around. It was like Studio 54...monkey style.

Now you know what I want for christmas. No, not a chimp party. A monkey glove! I suppose a chimp party would be cool too.

I'm off to moonwalk.



Wednesday, December 10, 2008

eyelids, not just for blinking anymore

China has gotten a lot of bad press over the past year with reports of tainted milk and deadly toys, but their PR people have to step it up a little bit. The Olympics showed their good side, but it seems like they stopped caring after that.

A Chinese martial artist has put China in the public eye again for pulling a car. You may have seen that sort of thing when a really strong guy pulls a truck or something. Well those guys ain't got nuthin' on Luo. Luo attached a rope to a car, and then attached the other end of the rope to his eyelids. Actually, he hooked it into his eyelids. Then, if that wasn't cool enough for the ladies, he pulled the car.

Here's what he had to say about doing this amazing feat, "I really wanted to do something special."

Really? Did you? That's what you came up with? Not saving a baby from a burning building or something? You felt that pulling a car with your eyelids was "something special?"

Luo isn't a one-trick pony, either. He says he can also (kids, don't try this at home) stop an electric fan with his tongue. I don't know how fast this fan is going, but I'm pretty sure if it's going faster than "stopped", then I don't want to stick my tongue in it.

I probably shouldn't make fun of him because it's not like I have any talents, but if I ever decided that I wanted to be good at something, I probably wouldn't risk injury to my body. I'm pretty happy with my eyelids just blinking and my tongue moving around so I can talk.

If you can do something like this guy, I'd LOVE to hear about it. You don't have to send a picture or anything because looking at this guy with hooks in his eyelids has pretty much scarred me for life. I am somewhat afraid to go to sleep.

I'm off to move my car using the gas pedal. Check it out ladies. vroooooom.



Tuesday, December 9, 2008

valid excuse?

This is brilliant. Some folks have organized a "Day without a Gay" tomorrow. This is not a joke, even though it was thought up by a comedian. A gay comedian. He wants people to "call out gay" for work tomorrow to show the world the importance of the gay and lesbian community. It's true. Look it up. It's been all over the news.

It all started with some prop 8 thing WAY out in California. Now I don't care if you agree or disagree with prop 8 and all it entails, but finding another reason to call out of work is ok with me. I'm just wondering if you are allowed to call into work gay even if you're not. It's almost like faking sick, except you are faking gay.

How can somebody prove whether you were actually gay for one day or not? When you lie about being sick, you always use the "stomach issue" because you can't prove that.

"Yeah, I had this stomach thing going on yesterday, so I didn't come in."


"Yeah, I had this gay thing going on yesterday, so I didn't come in."

Totally works!

There are some people who might not like this, though. There may be a straight male or female who is actually feeling ill and will call out of work tomorrow. Then everybody at the office will think they are gay. I suppose some people would be upset about that. If your husband or wife gets a strange call tomorrow, then you'll know why.

"Debbie...your husband isn't at work today."

"Yeah, he's feeling sick."

"Are you sure he's not feeling gay?"

"No, but if he is, he's also sick because he puked on the carpet this morning."


I'm off to practice my fake cough...or my fake gay.



Monday, December 8, 2008

no candy

I have decided not to eat candy for the month of December. Calm down. Everything is ok. Breathing into a paper bag might help if you're a little freaked out.

Better now? Good. Why did I decide this? I have no idea. I guess I was bored and wanted to challenge myself. I didn't want to announce it until I was sure I could do it, but I'm pretty sure I can get through it now.

On Dec. 1 I went through denial. I tried to convince myself I was ok without candy. Then, that afternoon, I went through anger. I yelled at the candy aisle in Big Y. It wasn't pretty.

"Rows and rows of candy! Why do you taunt me! WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Then, as security took me outside, I tried to make a deal with them.

Me: "I will buy you guys EACH a Snickers bar if you let me back inside. I swear I will only buy one bag of M&Ms."

Security: "No. We were warned that you might be off your candy. We're here to keep it that way."

Me: "I'll buy you a bag of Kisses! Just give me one!"

Security: "No."

Me: "You'll regret this!"

Thankfully, Big Y security is tougher than I am and may have saved my life...from candy.

On Dec. 2 I woke up depressed. Then, I went to work and accepted my decision.

I have been doing well since then.

I don't know how people get through their days without candy. Luckily, I don't count cookies as candy. No, that's NOT cheating. Cookies are a COMPLETELY different food group. They are a grain. Not a candy.

I'm off to eat more grains.



Thursday, December 4, 2008

tales by the fire

I'm a little confused about wood at the Basketball Hall of Fame. There are piles of wood in the basement. I never really explored the place before, but now that work is there, I've found out a few things.

This seems to be wood ready to be put into the fire. Now, it might be fun to work next to a toasty fire, but I'm not sure why it would be needed in a modern business. Is there actually a fireplace? This is definitely fireplace wood. You know, like when you buy a cord of wood. I'm not sure if it is an actual cord because I can't eyeball 128 cubic feet of wood stacked tightly, but I'm going to say it's similar.

So, why would a fame-hall for basketball need wood? Could I actually sit by the fire? Maybe regale you with tales from days of yore?

"Come sit by the fire, children, and let me tell you a story from my youth. I remember a day when video games could only give you 8 bits of data at a time. We called it a Nintendo Entertainment System. I know, strange name, but remember, those were strange times.

We only had two buttons to make our characters do stuff. Sorry, we used to call them characters, now you have avatars that represent you, but back in my day you were an Italian plumber and you liked it.

We also had things called cartridges. You've only seen discs with your games on them, but we had to put one box into another box. It worked well...most of the time. If it didn't, you could blow on it to make it work. And work it did.

Ahhh, kids, the old man is tired. I need to rest my old bones by the fire. Maybe tomorrow I can tell you about the days when we used to listen to cassette tapes. Those will be hard to explain. Boy, do I miss the hiss."

Are you regaled? I thought you might be. I'm too tired to go on.

I'm off to work on my Konami Code. up up down down left right left right B A Start



Wednesday, December 3, 2008


The North American Aerospace Defense Command is tracking Santa. They have been doing this for years. Why? I have no idea.

For those of you who don't know, NORAD tracks stuff in the sky over North America. They also look at the sky over Canada, but they don't see much there. They see lots of planes. They keep looking to make sure there aren't any missiles flying overhead that shouldn't be there. It's like a helmet for North America...and Canada.

I'm not one to criticize government agencies, but shouldn't they just keep looking for missiles instead of Santa? I mean, I'm pretty sure he's not a threat. I don't know for sure, but he's been pretty consistent with NOT shooting missiles at anybody, so I think we're safe.

I would imagine that NORAD would have to spend more time stopping Matthew Broderick from starting a thermonuclear war. It's true! I saw a documentary on it. It was called War Games.

I guess I can't do much about it. They already have a website up at and when somebody makes a website, that means it's permanent.

You can go check it out if you want to track Santa. If you want to do something like, say, save the world, talk to Matthew Broderick and find out how you can track missiles.

I'm off to play with WOPR.



Tuesday, December 2, 2008

no money

It's official! We're in a recession! So...let's have a recession party! Isn't that what people do? You could have a parade and call it a "Recession Procession!" Clever, no?

It's gotten so bad that the CEO of Ford will make his salary $1 a year if he gets money from the government. I can't imagine only getting $1 every year. I think the CEO of Ford has a lot of money saved up, so he'll probably be fine, but what happens when all of us are asked that? After taxes, that's like 64 cents!

"Guess what I bought with my salary this year!"


"A Snickers bar!"

"Hot Dog! Did you get the King Size!"


"oh...sorry...wanna bite of my King Size 3 Musketeers?"

" earned it."

These are rough times. I do hope for the best. I certainly don't want to lose my job and I'm guessing you don't either. Unless you do...well, good luck! If your company has an opening after you leave, let me know. I may need it soon!

If you're looking for some clever ways to save money, you should probably ask somebody else. I'm not exactly a financial advisor. Unless, of course, you would like me to tell you to buy me comic books. That's the best advice I can give!

Oh, and if you want to buy me a sweater vest, I wouldn't say no. I like argyle. I could use some argyle socks too. I'm nothing if not a snappy dresser!

I'm off to buy my one candy bar.



Monday, December 1, 2008

purple potato

Did you do that thanksgiving thing? I did. We had purple mashed potatoes. They were pretty good. I must tell you, if you are looking spice up the colors of your dinner plate, get some purple potatoes and mash them up. My sister found them at the purple potato farmer's market. I believe they have purple farmers as well.

I actually thought she added food coloring to the white potatoes, but I guess they actually grow that way. Maybe the farmers put purple food coloring into the dirt. That would probably work.

We also got to eat some wild turkey and pie. Both were good.

I also found out that a random family will never know how tall I am. A new family lives in the house I grew up in. There used to be a piece of wood in the garage that we would regularly check out height. As a kid you always want to see if you're taller because we have this strange idea that growing up is good. You would think that adults would do a better job of warning us.

I found out that the piece of wood now resides at my sister's house. So, we measured ourselves! Me, my brother and my sister. I found out that I'm the tallest. Trust me, being the tallest hasn't gotten me very far. You remember my new rules for basketball, right? Yeah...tall does not equal good basketball.

That was my thanksgiving. I'm tall and purple.

I'm off to hunt for wild pie.