Wednesday, November 26, 2008

basketball for thanksgiving

Well, now that my job is located at the Basketball Hall of Fame, I have the opportunity to play basketball whenever I want! How about that!

I totally stink at basketball!

I used to play. That was when I was young and had potential. I could have been anything if I tried. You see how THAT ended up.

Since I stink at basketball and have no real hopes for making to the NBA, I have changed the rules. If you would like with win the Basketball World Series, my rules will probably help.

If you hit the rim or the backboard, you get one point. If the ball goes through the hoop (from the top, not throwing upwards from underneath), then you get two points. And if you get it through the hoop from anywhere behind the three-point line, you get three points!

Not bad, right? You can get points pretty easily. In my head, I got, like, 20 touchdowns and a hole in one. It was awesome.

Ok, now I have to go to thanksgiving. I don't think basketball will be involved. I DO believe pie will be involved. There are no points with pie. Just yummy.

I'm off to practice my dribbling...for the pie of course.



Tuesday, November 25, 2008

the dancing general

I found the greatest story. It is happening in Thailand, where I guess you do what you're told.

A military general, who used to "bomb anti-government protesters and drop snakes on them from helicopters", has been assigned a new duty.

He now has to "promote public fitness at marketplaces." He has become a public aerobics instructor. Kind of like Richard Simmons...except that he's trained to kill people.

He's pretty miffed about it. I mean, that's like sending Jack Bauer to read children's stories. That would be a pretty mellow season of "24", don't you think?

The best part of the story is what our general has ready for his first day on the job. He said, "I have prepared one dance. It is called the 'throwing-a-hand-grenade' dance."

I wonder if that's anything like the sprinkler?

I have prepared a few dances just in case I have to promote public fitness at marketplaces. The first one is called the "I-can-pretend-to-be-like-spider-man" dance. It's pretty tough, so I'll probably save it for my advanced class.

My beginner class will start with something easy like the "look-at-me-mom-I-can-walk-like-a-penguin" dance.

I will try to think of more. Who knows when the Thai government will want me to promote fitness at marketplaces.

I'm off to work on my grenade dancing.



Monday, November 24, 2008

reunions's been a crazy few days around here, but things are finally settling down so I should be able to get back into the world of blogging for the three of you waiting for it.

I haven't really mentioned it, but I've been getting emails for the past few months about a high school reunion. I guess it is happening this Friday. They think people will be home for Thanksgiving and will want to hang out with their old high school friends on Friday. As you can probably tell, I'm not all that interested in going.

Like many of us, there isn't a whole lot worth remembering about high school. Want to know how big of a dork I was? I used to write for the school newspaper. I did a comic book review. Yep. Want to guess how many people read it? If you said zero, you'd probably be right!

I wrote things like, "Did you read Spider-Man #44?!?! It was awesome! I loved the art! I loved the story! I love Spider-Man!" and "I don't know what is going in Batman, but at least the art is good."

It made about as much sense as a giraffe on a Pogo Ball.

Don't worry, not many people care if I actually show up. Trust me. The class photo, which I had successfully blocked from my memory, was part of the evite. I'm cut out of it. No joke. You can see half of me. I'm on the end of the first row and I'm chopped off. Even the person taking the picture knew to cut me out of my own class photo! That was probably a smart move by the photographer.

Ahhhh...high school memories. How I wish I could call them high school forget-ories.

Did you go to a high school reunion? Was it horrible? I imagine that it would be.

If I'm in the mood for some mental distress, maybe I'll head down there on Friday. I'll go...but only if I see a giraffe on a Pogo Ball.

I'm off to see if they still make Pogo Balls. I loved that toy. Hopefully giraffes don't.



Tuesday, November 18, 2008

wet leaves

I was driving home from work the other day and it was starting clear up after a rainy morning. I noticed a large pile of leaves in the park and remembered how bad it was when you would jump into the pile only to find a bunch of wet leaves.

Since the sun doesn't hit all the wet leaves at the bottom of the pile, you'll look at a HUGE pile of leaves on a sunny day and think they are perfect for jumping into. Unfortunately, when you jump in, you'll find yourself with a LOT of wet spots that CAN be explained, but that NOBODY will believe.

Other things about piles of leaves are the risk of rocks and sticks. Both of them cause major childhood injuries.

Want to play a good practical joke on somebody? Bake a gigantic cake, put it under a huge pile of leaves and then wait for somebody to jump in. Then they'll have leaf-cake all over themselves! HA! Then you can give them the nickname "leaf-cake" and it will be stuck with them for life!

If you don't want to be that mean, then wait until a sunny day to rake your leaves. That gives the pile-jumpers a better chance of staying dry when they jump in and mess up your pile. You don't want those poor kids getting a nickname like "Lopez-wets-himself." That's just horrible...and kids will never stop calling you that...ever.

It's too bad leaf piles aren't made of fluffy cotton candy.

Yeah...that would be fun.

I'm off to explain this wet spot.



Friday, November 14, 2008

it's not rocket science

It's just a blog. Well...sometimes it's a little like rocket science. I'm pretty sure when a rocket is in science class, it will write words. I also write words, so I'm a little bit like rocket science.

A bunch of folks at the Oxford University in England put out the "most irritating phrases in the English language." How did they decide on these phrases? I have no idea. It could have been 30 people sitting in a room saying things they hate hearing. So, since these 30 English teachers don't like the words, they have become law.

I personally love English teachers. I took a whole bunch of English classes at college. You wouldn't know it from my blog, but I did Minor in English. No joke. I know it's full of spelling and grammar mistakes, but those don't really bother me. I have a fairly unique writing style that does not require correctness. At the end of the day, I just write my blog to make sure the bosses think I'm working.

Now, I bet you didn't know that I just put three of those annoying phrases in that last paragraph! It's true! Would you like the list? Here it is:

1. at the end of the day
2. fairly unique
3. I personally
4. at this moment in time
5. with all due respect
6. absolutely
7. it's a nightmare
8. shouldn't of
9. 24/7
10. it's not rocket science

Most of those phrases don't bother me at all. Well, with the exception of "shouldn't of." That's just wrong. I am going to try to get all those phrases into a conversation. You should try it too!

Me: At the end of the day, I personally believe that candy is absolutely awesome.

You: I agree.

Me: Who couldn't figure out that candy would be the best thing at this moment in time? It's not rocket science! I mean, I could eat candy 24/7.

You: I agree.

Me: I'm scared...

You: Why?

Me: I was just thinking of a world without candy. I shouldn't of. It's a nightmare.

You: I agree.

Me: With all due respect, you don't talk much.

You: I agree.

Me: You are fairly unique.

You: What does that mean?

Me: I have no idea, but I had to get that last phrase in there.

That conversation isn't irritating at all! Those Oxford dinks don't know what they're talking about.

I'm off to study some rocket science.



Wednesday, November 12, 2008


I'm not one to do a lot of research before I make definitive statements, so if you think I am absolutely wrong, you might actually be right. That being said, why are there so many "Non-Drowsy" formulas for medicine?

I was at the store the other day looking for some stuffy-head medicine and noticed that nothing will put me to sleep. Well, except the "nighttime sniffling, sneezing, coughing, running, jumping, fluffing, glooping, hacking so you can rest medicine." Since there was no fluffing or glooping going on, it seemed kind of excessive to get all that stuff.

Why does most of the sinus and coughing medicine want me to stay awake? Why do people want to be awake? Work? That's a lame reason. Work is for sleeping.

Why don't they make more stuff with a drowsy formula? I mean, I'm sleeping for a third of the day, so they should make a third of the products with an "Extra-drowsy" formula. Also, it might help you fall asleep at work, and seriously, isn't it the best when you fall asleep at work? It is.

That's all. I just wanted to start a drowsy revolution. Which is probably a bad idea because the revolution won't get out of bed (HA! good one).

I also noticed that they don't actually put a lot of medicine out there. You have to bring a card up to the cashier who will then give you the medicine. I remember when I had to deal with that because I used to work at CVS years ago. I loved that job. It was a lot of fun and they let me have a nametag that said Spider-Man. That was cool.

Anyway, we used to leave out cards for a baby formula. I can't remember why, but I think it had to do with drugs. People would steal it to use the ingredients for something unsavory.

Wait...It just hit me that we were selling a baby formula that people would use to make drugs! What the heck were they putting in that baby formula?!

I honestly don't remember if that was the reason we hid the baby formula in the back, but it was a little strange. I do remember baby formula chugging parties in the stockroom, though. I'm pretty sure there were no side effects.

I'm off to get drowsy...zzzzzz...



Tuesday, November 11, 2008


If you haven't heard the news, the stick has finally secured its place in history. The stick has been inducted into the Toy Hall of Fame. Did you know there was a hall of fame for toys? There is. They already have Crayola crayons, Atari 2600 and the cardboard box there.

Finally, after years of enjoyment and eye injuries, the stick was deemed toy-tastic enough to make it into the hall of fame.

I wonder why it took them so long to put the stick in there. I mean, the cardboard box got in there three years ago. How did the cardboard box beat the stick? I do believe that in a battle of a stick versus a cardboard box, the cardboard box would have its bottom flap handed to it.

I actually have this whole story in my head of a stick fighting a cardboard box. It's pretty epic. If you could see this, you would probably be on the edge of your seat. In fact, they are currently making seats that only have a tiny piece on the edge for you to sit on because that it all you will need. That is how exciting the fight my head.

If it helps you to visualize it, the stick and the cardboard box are HUGE. They are, like, the size of Greenland. So, when they fight, the whole world knows. Their fight takes them to the moon, too. Because moon fights are awesome. The fighting is so loud that it wakes up aliens in another dimension who come over to see what all the ruckus is about. They see the stick and box fighting and run back to their alien homes where it is safe.

So, after the stick wins, it goes to the red-carpet event for its induction into the Toy Hall of Fame. Other famous toys are there, like Mr. Potato Head and a kite. The stick will sign autographs and pretend to be a sword, a wand, a horse, a flag and maybe make an appearance as baseball bat. It will be a grand night.

Back in reality, the stick in now in the Toy Hall of Fame. I'm sure you're excited. Maybe next year we can get the rock in there.

I'm off to play with my stick.



Wednesday, November 5, 2008

little beach, japan

Hi! Did you know there is a small town in Japan named Obama? I had no idea! How weird is that? Why didn't anybody tell me this? The word obama means "little beach" in Japanese. The townsfolk are now hoping that this Obama win will bring up their tourism.

Could it? Maybe. They could sell t-shirts that say, "I visited Obama" and "My sister went to Obama and all I got was this lousy bumper sticker!"

They could make millions.

Anyway, I read the story and something caught my attention. The mayor of Obama, Kouji Matsuzaki, wants Obama (Barack) to visit his town. Here is the line from the AP story: "He plans to invite Obama to visit Obama, and dispatched a congratulatory telegram to the president-elect."

Do you see it? He sent a telegram. Yes. Who sends a telegram these days?! Seriously?! How do you even send a telegram? Does he think that Obama has a J-38 in his office? (A J-38 is a telegraph. There is no reason you should know that because NOBODY USES THEM!) Can somebody please put up a cell tower in Obama, Japan?!

There is another option, though. The article doesn't specify how the telegram was sent, so perhaps it was send by messenger. If that is the case, then I hope it was a singing telegram.

me me me.....

Congratulations to Obama,
You are now the winna,
Please come to the town Obama
Because that will totally give us a major boost in tourism and will bring in lots of money.

That's the English translation. I think it actually rhymes in the original Japanese. Unfortunately, the only Japanese I know is "Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto" which means "Please hold onto this large jar of cherries for me, Mr. Robot."

I'm off to work on my Japanese Morse Code.



Tuesday, November 4, 2008

president: secret identity

Did you vote?!?!?!?! Everybody is talking about this election thing! Do you want to know who I'm voting for? Are you sure? Can we still be friends after you see my choice? Ok...if you promise.

I'm voting for...ME!

Yes. I've decided that I'm the best person for the job. My running mate is my teddy bear, "The Mighty Thor," because he understands what the people need. He also has a really cute red ribbon tied in a bow around his neck. Seriously, he's adorable. I figure people would definitely vote for a teddy bear. I don't want to be friends with anybody who could look at a teddy bear in the face and say, "I'm not voting for you."

Wow...that's harsh.

I found these "secrets" about presidents. You can thank PBS for helping me with this. They are little known facts about presidents which may encourage you to run for office yourself.

So, here's a segment we'll call "Did You Know?"

Being the president can be FULL of perks. Thomas Jefferson got a 1,235-pound block of cheese from his fans. Yep. It had a note that said, "The greatest cheese in America for the greatest man in America." Melt that block up, get a few friends and tortilla chips and have a party! Melty Cheese Party!

Millard Fillmore was my kind of fellow. He decided the White House needed a bathtub. So, after years of stinky presidents, he put one in. If he's anything like me, I'm guessing he got some soothing lavender bubble bath and some toy boats and had a nice Friday night to himself. Maybe a few candles around the tubby as well. OOOOH! And a rubber ducky.

James Buchanan wasn't smart enough to get glasses, and we still voted for him. He was farsighted in one eye and nearsighted in the other. He would keep closing one of his eyes to see everything. I looked it up and found out that glasses were around LONG before he became president, so it's not like he couldn't get a pair. And look at that hair! Clearly the man didn't wear glasses.

There are a lot of other little facts, but it would take all day to make fun of all our presidents, so I'll leave that up to you.

Go out and vote for me. Then you can find out about my little secrets. Would you like to hear one? I don't might ruin my chances of winning the election.

Ok...I have a bullet in my shoulder from the Revolutionary War.

Wait...that's not me. That's James Monroe. Close enough!

I'm off to vote for me!