Monday, June 30, 2008

baby: agent of s.h.e.i.l.d.

What a weekend! I hope you all had a wonderful time doing whatever it is you did done this weekend.

So, I come back this morning to find this link: (you might want to open it in a new window...there's more about it below)

HA! Stunt Baby! How great is this invention? I know. I can see the genius behind these.

CIA: We need to surprise the enemy somehow...but what do we do that they won't expect?

FBI: Paratrooper babies.

CIA: Holy dirty diaper! That's genius!

FBI: I know.

Gotta love the FBI and all their wacky inventions. do you still have that page open? Good. Now scroll down to see the different categories. Do you see it? In the second row? I'll wait....

Yes! They have a section for "Unicorns & Ninjas!" Who would ever combine those two thing? I mean, if I saw a ninja riding a unicorn, I would totally move out of the way, but I never expected them to work together. If those two groups combined forces, they could take over the world!

And I thought I came up with some weird ideas. This store has just become my new favorite place to shop.

I'm off to toss a baby into the air...let's hope his chute opens!



(ed. note - no babies were actually harmed during this blog entry)

Friday, June 27, 2008

the last son of...melmac

I was reading an article about all those new sites that stream old tv shows. Now, I've been known to watch some tv shows online when I forget to record them or maybe I'm just bored and want to see if the show is any good. I've also bought a few tv shows on DVD because I like them so much that I want to watch them over and over and over again. But, I can't find the time to watch that much tv. I mean, I have comic books to read, plays to act in, candy to eat, planets to save and lions to tame. It's a busy life.

I saw that one of the sites has every episode of ALF on there. Wow...if that isn't just the greatest thing in the world, I don't know what is! I LOVED that show when I was a kid. I actually think that is why I quit acting when I was little.

In the 3rd grade, I was in a production of Oliver. I was a dancing/singing orphan and pickpocket. The problem was that rehearsals were on ALF night. As you may know, I'm pretty whiney. Well, imagine me younger and whinier. was not pretty.

Me: I wanna watch ALF!

Director: But you have to practice you dance moves.

Me: But my Ghostbusters blanket is at home on the couch! And my ALF is on the TV!

Director: Wouldn't you rather entertain the community with your wonderful singing?

Me: I'd rather you buy a tv for me so I can watch ALF instead of telling me to say "Please, Sir. Can I have some more?" Seriously? I don't want any gruel! I want candy!

Director: How would you like a punch in the face?

Me: ...what are the dance moves again...

I was an annoying little brat, wasn't I? Yes I was. It's a good thing I had understanding directors.

So, that's probably why I ended my acting career at such a young age. I was so scarred from missing ALF that I quit (except for a short stint as "Lazy" in the 4th grade production of "The New Year" me, you don't want to know). After years of counseling, I was able to take it up again about a year ago. The audience isn't happy about that, but I am.

I'm off to practice my songs...."Fooooood, glorious foooooood!"



Thursday, June 26, 2008

clock king

Hi again! I hope everybody is having a wonderful time today. I say time because I found my metronome yesterday. Yep. Aren't you excited? I bet you are.

If you don't know what a metronome is, well, I'll try to explain it. Musicians use it to keep time. It makes this tick...tick...tick...tick...sound to keep the beat. I could use it so I don't speed up or slow down when I'm playing a song. If anybody has heard me play a song, you know I don't use it often enough.

Why was I looking for my metronome? Maybe I'll tell you later. It's not terribly exciting. Want to know what IS exciting?!?!?! I found money! Awwww Yeah!!!!!

See, way back in the day, I used to be cool. Ok, I wasn't actually cool, but it was easier for me to fake coolness. I used to be the singer/sometimes guitarist in a punk band. Our music was so hot that we accidentally melted the ice caps...sorry polar bears. Unfortunately, due to our hotness, our music is banned in 33 states and Thailand. A ruling is still pending in Maine.

Anyways, we were called Quit To Win. My college english professor once told me that the name was very zen.

Me: All the pressures of this crazy world are getting to me!

Zen Leader: You must let go of all pressures to enjoy the ride!

Me: How can I do such a crazy thing?!

Zen Leader: You must Quit...To Win.

Me: Wow...I totally get it...and that is a great name for a band...and it's also an homage to Dave Barry. ( I don't know who will get that)

Now, I'm not one to actually know anything about Zenism, but there is no proof that they DON'T use that phrase. Oh...and it's also used a lot in anti-smoking ads.

Anyways, in an attempt to get back on topic, I was looking through my "bag of rock stuff" and found the old band wallet. We used money from selling cds to buy stuff to make new cds. I guess we sold some because I found $21.46!

Now I'm torn with what I should do with it. Should I split it up and find the other guys in the band and give them a few dollars? Should I just spend it myself? Should I buy more supplies and make cds so it goes back into the band? Should I have popcorn at the movies? Should I write my name on the tag of my pants in case I lose them? Should I finally follow my dreams and change my name to Conroy and become the mayor of a small southern town and declare every day Cotton Candy Day?

So many questions and so few answers.

I'm off to court in Maine.



Tuesday, June 24, 2008

pink kryptonite 2: pink rock

Hi everybody! I did it! I wrote a song about pink day. I should have been doing something productive like using spackle to plug up holes. Is that called spackling? I like the word spackle. Or I should have been rehearsing lines for my musical (PLUG WARNING!!! Grease at South Hadley High School July 17-19).

Instead, I wrote this song:

Co-Worker Dina liked it. I don't know what else to tell you. I actually think she is the only person who watched it. Maybe somebody else will like it.

I can't believe my last song, Non-Gender Specific Baby, had, like, 40 hits! That's, like, 38 more hits than I thought it was going to get!

If you missed out on that link, here it is again (or you can ignore it again, I don't mind):

Why doesn't somebody stop me from writing these songs? And, even more importantly, why am I allowed to post them on youtube!? Don't they have censors who should stop this wackiness from being seen by the public! No? They don't? Sweet...nothing can stop me.

I'm off to write more songs. I know you don't want me to, but not even a fake tunnel opening painted on the side of a mountain can stop me now! (nice try coyote)



Monday, June 23, 2008

pink kryptonite

Happy Pink Day!

Last Friday was supposedly the happiest day of the year, but I may have to argue with that statement. I think those "scientists" forgot to put pink into their equation.

How does one celebrate Pink Day? I...have absolutely no idea. I would imagine pink streamers and pink plates and pink cupcakes are involved.

I guess it's an excuse to use pink as a descriptive term. Good things could be "pink."

Person A: How are you today?

Person B: I'm Pink!

Person A: that pizza good?

Person B: It's totally pink!

Person A: Yeah...I'm almost afraid to ask...but why did you bring an elk to the office today?

Person B: Isn't it "bring your elk to work day?"

Person A: No...that's next Thursday.

Person B: Oooooh. That's so unpink!

Person A: Yes...yes it is...

Person B: PINK!!!!!!!! (then Person B runs off with an arm flail)

Wow! Isn't that embarrassing! Bringing your elk to work on Pink Day. Silly B, why would elk day and pink day be on the same day? Exactly...they wouldn't.

If I'm so inclined, I may write a song about it being Pink Day. If I do, I will let you know.

I'm off to find words that rhyme with pink.



Friday, June 20, 2008

happy hogan

(singing) It's the hap-happiest day of the year!!!!!!

No really...scientists have proven that June 20th is the happiest day of the year. If you've ever read my blog, you know that I'll make up stuff and say "scientists have proven that blah blah blah." BUT! This time, I'm not lying. This is from actual research from actual scientists.

Here is the equation: O + (N x S) + Cpm/T + He

O = outdoor activity, they don't say what N is, S = social interaction, Cpm is "positive childhood memories", T is temperature and He is "anticipated vacation time."

At first, I thought He was helium, but when I used that in the equation the answer was "a so-so day with floating balloons." Not as exciting.

So, since I missed a big holiday this week, I decided to create a formula for Mortician's Day! How did we miss this?!?!?! It happened on Monday. I forgot to get my mortician a card. I hope that doesn't come back to haunt me (hey-oh!). Sorry...bad joke.

Anyway, are you ready for that formula? Here it is:

Hu - O (H x M) +Tl = Mortician's Day

Not bad, right? If you're wondering, Tl DOES stand for Thallium. Essential if somebody needs a mortician. Seriously, look for it on the periodic table of the elements. It's pretty. I would explain what the other letters stand for, but it just seems too morbid on the happiest day of the year. I don't want to be a buzzkill. (does anybody even use that word anymore?)

I'm off to kill the buzz.



Thursday, June 19, 2008

all new, all different

Hi everybody,

This is going to be one of the ways to read my blog. I regularly write my blog at work. I am going to post it in multiple locations because some people might like reading it here instead of on my work website...and in case I get fired, I can keep the blog going here!

To read older posts, go here:

To read posts even OLDER, go here:

Now, at work, I just go by Lopez, but most people call me DJ. That is how I will sign off here.

As soon as I start posting new blogs, you'll start getting them.